Since coming to SI in August 2004, my definition of salvation has been dismantled and rebooted. I have seen that I was not a Christian for all those years that I said I was. After all, I had prayed the "sinner's prayer". I can't even put it into words, this change that has taken place in my thinking, but I know it has transformed my heart.

The problem is, now I see this tremendous situation that Christians face of all the 'false conversions' that have given people a 'false security'. I'm looking at dead religion all around me. It's everywhere! It's become a treat to me to meet someone who is truly born again who posesses the fear of the Lord and is humbled by their salvation.

Now that I am able to see it so clearly, I'm talking about it with others. I'm finding myself more and more alienated from people. My own family is angry with me now because my definition of salvation has left them in the category of unsaved. A real stink has been created in my so-called Christian family. My mother is angry. My two sisters are angry. They think I have flipped. Today, my sister asked me point blank, "do you think I am saved?" I had to answer honestly, "no". I realize it doesn't matter what I think, but shouldn't we all be thinking what God thinks? Is salvation that cheap? You can go right on through life with blatant, unrepentant sin, and yet you're going to spend eternity with the Holy God of All Creation? Should we be talking about this? I am in deep waters now. I've never been here before. I feel like God has shot me out of an airplane into a jungle and I've landed in a tree. My feet are just dangling. I feel like something really big has ahold of me, but my feet aren't touching the ground. I can't go anywhere and even if I could, I don't know which direction to go in. I've never been through anything like this before. Love, Dian.

My Family thinks that way too. Even though they came in the same way I did, yet because I don't act like them I am classified as a goody goody two shoes.

But the strange thing is even though they think that way about me, I don't feel saved myself. When you go thru so many fiery trials and when you have gone so many years not feeling the presense of the LORD it's difficult to say one is saved.

But I know in whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day. Having said that, I do believe that.

What I have been learning in the last few years is that it doesn't matter how unfaithful I am, it's that He is faithful. That doesn't mean that I am to remain unfaithful, but what is important and what is paramount is that He is faithful, my faithfulness is secondary, lest any man should boast.

I can see Abraham in the same boat. Here was a man longing for a son to carry on his name and take over his property. Yet no son, even when he obtained a son thru his own means and schemes he was told that Ishmeal was not the chosen seed. So he had to wait. Years and years passed by, until Sarah's womb was dead and he no longer was able to perform.

I don't see Abraham standing there year after year just basking in the promises of God as some reed blowing in the wind for spirituality. He was just a human as you and I, frustated and disappointed, love and laughter. It doesn't matter if all hell comes against you, there remains a pocket of faith in your heart that you believe what God hath spoken He is able to perform.

If anyone remembers the testimony that Watchman Nee left on a piece of paper in his prison cell before he died. After all those years of torture and trying to persuade him with brain washing techniques, he said, "I still believe that Jesus Christ is the saviour of my soul". (words to that effect). With all that comes against you, you still have that belief that God is God.

It's down right frustrating when all your life you've heard about the power of God, been in the prensense of God when it was like a heavy quilt over the congregation, and people getting up healed, someone who was in a cast from head to toe starts moving around the place completely healed.People being filled with the holy Ghost right in the pew. And you long for this manifestation to take place only to find that your dying and there is not a thing that you can do about it. You fast and pray, but still nothing. You try to hang unto everything that you know and believe, only to have it all snatched out from underneath you. What you once cherished has become dung. What was once joy has become sorrow. Your left in the dark regarding His plan and His purpose and His desire for your life.

Though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me, surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

Is anyone else experincing this, or am I alone on this?

Karl

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God. Dian rejoice in that you have tasted the goodness of God. Your relationship with Him comes first. I say rejoice!

Now when you have this mind, this mind of Christ, He will show you how to love those around you. Imagine how Christ felt when He said O Jerusalem O Jerusalem how many times have I wanted to gather you under my wings. His heart's cry is yours. Your are becoming one with Him. Do you see how He suffered? Do you see what Paul speaks of when he talks about sharing in the sufferings of Christ. Do not condemn but exhort. Love God with your whole heart, and He will show you how you should minister to those around you. Listen to Isaiah 35:

3 Strengthen the weak hands,
And make firm the feeble knees.
4 Say to those who are fearful-hearted,
“Be strong, do not fear!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance,
With the recompense of God;
He will come and save you.”
5 Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
And the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
6 Then the lame shall leap like a deer,
And the tongue of the dumb sing.
For waters shall burst forth in the wilderness,
And streams in the desert.
7 The parched ground shall become a pool,
And the thirsty land springs of water;
In the habitation of jackals, where each lay,
There shall be grass with reeds and rushes.
8 A highway shall be there, and a road,
And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness.
The unclean shall not pass over it,
But it shall be for others.
Whoever walks the road, although a fool,
Shall not go astray.

Listen again, [b]whoever walks the road, although a fool, shall not go astray.[/b]

He is with you to guide you and to strengthen you. Again, rejoice for you have seen the Light of Life!

In Christ
Jeff

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Jeff Marshalek

My dear sister Dian, (from Diane)
What a confession!!!!!! Your words blow me away; because just today I submitted a similar testimony (Revival begins with ME) sharing how I too discovered (a few years ago) that I wasn't really saved all these years that I thought I was!!! I still find it hard to actually admit it - but I finally took the big plunge and confessed it on SI.

Like you, I too discovered that others don't want to hear it, and are quick to sugar coat it. My best friend said, "Of course you were a Christian!!"

I discovered that I didn't fit the criteria of a saved person through my study of Scripture. I was not trusting not in Christ's redemption like I assumed it was.

My repentance has involved giving up my trust in the world, others, the church, and esp my own works and righteousness. God has been stripping me of all that - a gruesome process indeed.

Before anyone cries out to God, they have to face the horrifying reality about themselves - that no one seeks God. see Rom. 3:10 ff.

I praise God, he rescued me and led me to Christ.

I share your burden about the many who THINK they are saved, but are not. Dear God, please open the eyes of the blind! Please rescue them - for your glory.

PS - You're NOT in trouble now!!! It's when you are oblivious that you REALLY are in trouble!

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Diane

I think what is really neat (and God ordained) is that over the last couple of years that SI has been online, many people (from different countries) have come on here with the same confession, or at least looking for others who feel the same.

They are looking for that deeper life, that they know must exhist. I just thank the Lord, that He awakened something within us to see the truth, to cause us to seek the truth and to want to live it out. Praise God for His mercy! :-)

Don't worry Dian, since my "awakening", my mom still thinks I am wacko and will hardly talk to me- and she is also a christian (confesses to be).

After awhile you do find a balance, more of a sense of peace (almost) about it all. You learn patience and more wisdom and how to know when to say things and when to just pray about it instead.

One thing I have learned more than anything this year is that what i once thought was zeal - was many times flesh.

You will question everyone (their faith and motives)and everything at first, but now, I don't as much. I "know" what is and what is not of God, yet I judge less and have confidence in God's ability to do what He does best.

I guess what I mean is that I used to think it was up to me to let everyone know the truth and that it was up to me to show others their errors. I still see those errors, but through different eyes. I see them through the potential they could have when Christ is done working with them. :)

After many harsh words and being quick to judge, I see that I had taken the wrong approach many times. I've learned to leave many people and situations in the Lord's hands. To be available when needed, but most importantly just to LIVE CHRIST DAILY. This is the best witness, the best way of saying anything to anyone.

I have found that even just living a more Christ-like life is an offense in itself :-)

I think I came to the conclusion that i never wanted to be a hypocrite, so I better make sure that I search my heart in all areas before saying something to someone else about their lack of living a Christ-like life.

The one word, more than any other that the Lord has taught me to learn these past few years is "forbearance". He told me very clearly that i "needed" to learn it. :-)

Now I know why. I didn't have much two or three years ago. But I did have zeal and i thought everything had to be said and done RIGHT NOW.

I was foolish and now see that God is sovereign. He has it all under control.

Blessings to you Dian! Keep pressing in and pressing on. We are all doing the same right along with you.

In His love, Chanin

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Chanin

I praise God that you are changing sister! That is great encouragement to see people changing, changing to be more like Jesus.
I can see the Lord is doing great job in your heart sister.

If we never know that we are bad we really dont change thank god for what you have done here!!

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Dominic Shiells

Hi Dian,