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Discussion Forum : General Topics : Assessment of a suitable helpmate

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Joined: 2009/2/11
Posts: 179
Los Angeles, CA

 Assessment of a suitable helpmate

Hi guys,

As a single guy in his early thirties, I have been feeling more and more pressure from friends, coworkers, and loved ones to "hurry up and just find someone and get married already", haha... I've read several different books on godly courtship, and though I've gained a lot of insight, I also found that they represent viewpoints that are polar opposites to one another. Some lean toward a "just pray and God will send the right one" vs "you can't just sit around and expect someone to descend from the heavens" which I find a bit frustrating because the Bible doesn't seem to give specific instructions on this topic, though several examples are given. I've definitely come to appreciate the traditional view of courtship, ie. parents and church super involved all throughout the process, and when I would listen to brother Paul Washer's and other's sermons regarding the topic, I would be blessed but also discouraged at the same time because that unfortunately seems to be pretty much nonexistent here in socal, probably due to the steady breakdown of the family structure and church discipline over the past several decades. I would love some input/words of advice from you if you have the time, especially those who are already married and have gone through the courtship process.

One particular subtopic within the broader topic of courtship that I have been particularly wrestling with is the consideration for attraction (physical as well as personality, etc.) in selecting a potential spouse. Say for example that a person seems to be godly and has the attributes of a Proverbs 31 woman, but that you aren't attracted to her (physically, personality, etc.). Should one completely disregard attraction initially and just hope that one's heart will change eventually allowing attraction to grow over time? Some people have told me, beauty is just skin deep, and that attraction can be disregarded over godliness, but I couldn't help but think, "didn't God create beauty and attraction, and aren't we somewhat unique in our attractions because God made us that way (exclusively in the heterosexual sense of course)." And of course, I am not saying that attraction ever trumps godliness, but shouldn't there be a combination of both, I mean this person is not just some ministry partner, or a sister in Christ, but one's WIFE, haha. It really seems like the whole arranged marriage thing made life MUCH easier back then in this regard, but it is clear, or at least it appears to be, that we have a choice in the matter, which definitely complicates things...sorry I'm beginning to ramble, but yeah, I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter, and as I am sure there will be a wide range of opinions on the matter, let's be as civil and cordial and winsome as possible, also so that my own feelings won't be hurt as I am taking a step in faith here and being vulnerable and open with you guys. Thanks and blessings!


 2015/2/8 21:56Profile

Joined: 2011/11/11
Posts: 703
San Diego

 Re: Assessment of a suitable helpmate

" Hurry up and get married" is probably one of the worst pieces of advice you will ever get, ranking right up there with Nancy Pelosi's "We have to pass the bill to see what's in it."

I come at this with a marriage of 48 years, a relationship that started in the youth group in church. I was smitten, obsessed, goofy in love, doodling her name on my school workbooks, waiting the long hours for another chance to see her and have my breath taken away. To make her smile or laugh was my richest thought of what heaven must be like. I remember it like yesterday!

And a good thing, too, because she turned out to be human after all! Loving, aggravating, smarter than me when I didn't want that- dumb as a rock when I couldn't get her to see things my way- moody and selfish, then generous with my stuff- all the best, all the worst... just like me!

Do not rush into this! Your wife, before you marry her, will be drop-dead gorgeous in your eyes, will laugh at all your dumb jokes, will occupy all of your thoughts when you are awake and fill your dreams as well. If the woman you are considering lacks any of that- run!

Marriage is tough, but to try and work it out with someone you only like in moderation will be like a great millstone around your neck!

But the one God gives you will challenge and change you into something greater than you could ever imagine. It is not good for a man to dwell alone- the bible weighing in early on this one, so chase the mystery woman with a completely open heart- and ask God specifically to introduce her to you. I believe the Father cherishes a prayer like that, and is more eager to answer than you can imagine!

Let us know how it all works out. She is going to be a real babe, I am excited for you!

Tom Cameron

 2015/2/8 22:57Profile

Joined: 2009/11/7
Posts: 1439

 Re: Assessment of a suitable helpmate

On the other side, I encourage you to look at the biography/testimony of Derek Prince and his first wife. It certainly doesn't fit the mold. Or you can look at Art Katz's wife, Inga, their marriage carried more meaning and the work of God in the formation of Art's call and character. You mentioned Paul Washer's wife, Charo (spelling?). Based on her testimony, she wasn't even born again for quite awhile. So she appeared a lovely Christian lady and despite Paul's love of the Truth and discernment in other matters, he was blindsided and for a season unequally yoked.

I have found that until the Lord gives me direction in a matter, I can see many options that appear mutually acceptable and even desirable. When He speaks there are no other options, the Word has come.

 2015/2/9 0:29Profile


I'd strongly suggest you fast.

God works miracles. Sometimes He isn't ready to give us something because He knows us better than we know ourselves.

If you want a wife with the social settings but feel you can't do it in socal. Guess what? You serve the Living God. He can make fire come down from heaven with the effective and fervent prayer of a righteous man.

Pray brother. Don't get faint of heart. Pray. Pray. Pray.

Jesus told us to 'ask, knock, and seek'. Those greek words connotative something, constant asking, constant knocking, constant seeking. Seek the God of above and don't let go until He either blesses you or gives you peace in your heart on the way you should go.

 2015/2/9 18:04

Joined: 2007/4/25
Posts: 1529
Scotland, UK

 Re: Assessment of a suitable helpmate

I guess you all have heard of those famous artists "making a deal with the devil". Well I did the opposite of that and made a covenant with God.

This was all before I was a christian, going through a tough time in life mostly brought on because of my own doing and was searching, so I started reading the bible; in it I saw how God made a covenant with Abraham.

So I set out to make a covenant with God, now I am not going to give out all the details of the covenant, however I will let you know that one part of it was for a wife and I can tell that I asked for very specific details and God gave me the desires of my heart.

So I encourage you to pray; be specific in what you want and don't miss out in the smallest of details and ask God to confirm to you both you that this is God's will for your lives, that in itself will give strength to your relationship.

Colin Murray

 2015/2/9 23:24Profile

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