From the peanut gallery...
Think all these responses here are worthy of consideration, especially that for one there are no secrets as expressed and the admonishment to 'ponder', [i]slowly[/i], especially regarding scripture, but if anything the word that jumps out to me is; [b]letting[/b].
Give yourself permission to shut off the brain for awhile in the sense of hurried activity, it will likely prove to be an effort to do so, can attest to that. There is freedom to let go into God's thought if that is your aim and He certainly has the ability and the desire to protect that within you... Cliché, gobbledygook? Certainly hope not, but maybe we can turn the tables on you here a bit.
Has it ever dawned on you where this desire stemmed from? Did you 'choose' to become hungry or did it come from somewhere else? Wouldn't it seem a bit odd that this hasn't grown old or stale yet, that despite this particular season of confusion, past history, present study here you are asking this searching question?
For what it's worth I see a couple of things going on and reading this brought out a sense of joy, not of your confusion but just in similarities. It seems to me that you are being purged and it is a blessed thing though that won't come till this particular kiln experience has the work accomplished that God wants accomplished...whew, you have no idea how much of a limb I feel I am going out on here. The reason being that if I have learned anything whatsoever it's that the Lord doesn't stamp out exact duplicates from ourselves of ourselves... A recent line towards that thought:
"God grant we may get to the place where the only thing we take seriously is the place God has put us in, watching, waiting stedfastly for Gods goings. Never take anything that is said by any man or woman, or in any book, without waiting and watching before God. Try the spirits, test them, see if they be of God. I want you to beware of a mistake I have made over and over again in days gone by, of trying to interpret Gods plan for other lives along the way He has led me. Never! Keep open-eyed in wonder. My brother, my sister, can God do what He likes in your life? Can He help Himself liberally to you? Can He take you up and put you down? Can He introduce His schemes through you, and never tell you the reason why? Can He make you a spectacle to men and angels, as He did Job, without giving you any explanation? Can He make you a wonder to yourself and to others, while He gives you the implicit child-like understanding that somehow or other things are working out all right?"
Would never give a false sense of enthusiasm to anyone, but I tell you I am excited for you just by way of your own expression here. There [b]will[/b] be an 'end' to this particular season and then there will be another altogether different, sometimes wonderful and beyond words and other times back into the purging fire, count on it and let yourself be refined by it, it is precisely what James meant when he stated:
Jam 1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Jam 1:3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
Jam 1:4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
For all intents and purposes it is impossible to trick your brain into something in and of yourself and usually it will be a case of looking back upon it, perhaps that's what he meant by "[i][b]count it[/b][/i] all joy", as in chalk it up to the fact that in hindsight it will be worth everything that it may 'cost' you.
Brother, just went through another shorter season of this purging, which ultimately is the process of becoming 'conformed into' that image, you surely know which and certainly your own expression is to know Him:
2Co 3:18 But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.
Think about Paul near the [i]end[/i] of his days, still stating:
Phi 3:10 [b]That I may know him, and[/b] the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;
Phi 3:11 If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.
Phi 3:12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.
Phi 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
Phi 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
Phi 3:15 Let us therefore, as many as be perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, [b]God shall reveal even this unto you.[/b]
Another that has taken root of late:
Joh 3:8 The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.
For your encouragement:
1Co 2:9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared [b]for them that love him.[/b]
1Co 2:10 But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.
1Co 2:11 For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.
1Co 2:12 Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God.
1Co 2:13 Which things also we speak, not in the words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.
1Co 2:14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
1Co 2:15 But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.
1Co 2:16 For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? [b]But we have the mind of Christ.[/b]
You [b]have[/b], present tense. You may not understand it, I certainly don't and can confide with you, that in some ways feel that I don't know Him at all and would defer right back to Paul again, [i] that I might know Him[/i], what, after all these years Paul? You, that man struck blind and hearing His voice? How can you say that?
Let mystery and wonder be a part of this brother. Be assured He knows you and it shows that you do indeed know Him, perhaps not in the way that you or I may like, to our own satisfaction. But do let this also be brought to bear in your musings:
Joh 17:20 Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;
Joh 17:21 That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, [b]that they also may be one in us[/b]: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.
Will He not answer that prayer? Absurd! Of course He will! Ask the Lord to help you let go of everything that hinders and to glean what is necessary from everything you hear, read, listen to or get 'advice' from, including and especially your own thought's, [i]those[/i] can be the greatest snares of all.
Be encouraged brother, you are without a doubt, growing.
You have my prayers, today especially. Wish I could explain it better, but you have tremendously encouraged me by all this, the paradox of it all! 8-)