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 Karl's Testimony

I thought it was time for me to share my testimony.

I sometimes wonder if I have any testimony because I am still His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that I should walk in them.

I want to take this time to apologize to all of you who are well advanced into the Kingdom of God and know far more than I could ever dream possible and I come and post these pathetic rebuttals and to what end?

But regardless of that, I hope you can see past my own frailties.

I was born into a Pentecostal home, where Dad had one wife and one mistress. (they were both sisters). The mistress is my Mother. Ten years before I came on the scene, Dad and Mom gave their hearts to the LORD(and were both filled with the Spirit) at a revival meeting this was before Dad knew Mom. She was 14 and came from a dire poor family and she was there to help raise her older sisters kids. I was Mom's first son and her third child.

I learned later how Mom became Dad's mistress thru him raping her. In those days there was no welfare system or anything like that and being very poor you did what you what you had to do.

Since the get go, I was very much dispised in my Dad's eyes, Mom told me he had a terrible jealous streak in him and he saw you as a threat by being close to me.

I never knew Him to be my Dad until I was about 10. Because of the family situation, alot of things were hush hush. When other family members would come and visit Mom would either take us some where or if anyone saw us at the house, we be the next door nieghbours kids or something.

But as years progressed those lies surfaced and of course that kind of news spread like wildfire, but no one seemed to care afterwards, Dad was a wealthy man and I think that is why no one bothered to say anything because no one complained of him not being a good provider.

My Mother and I were very close we'd spend much time together. I helped her with the farming and every morning we'd get the old tractor and take the water barrel into the woods were there was a natural spring and used the PTO on the tractor to suck the water up into the barrel, because the barn water supply would always go dry in the summer time.

My Aunt who was Dad's legal wife had a hateful spirit, but this wasn't due to the aranggment with Dad and Mom she was always like that. I remember seeing her Mother and she had the same ways she had, bitter.

She had 10 children while Mom had 5.

Dad was called into the ministry, and because he didn't go, us kids paid for his error. Dad had a way of persuation, he could persuade you into the kingdom of God and he had a great voice. But he used that those giftings for the world. His singing voice he never used and lost it later on in life.

We had a 3 story house and it was very spacious, and plenty of rooms with an apartment in the basement.

Dad wouldn't go to Church, but he would send us kids to the local United Pentecostal Church.(I glued myself to the Sunday School teacher she had a love that was like a magnet). I went to Sunday School every Sunday but I never came into a relationship with Jesus Christ. Even when I was baptized at age 12 I did it because everyone else was doing it. But I knew what sin was, but didn't know how to get rid of it.

When I was 9 years old, I had two half brothers who were a couple of years older than me and I had one half brother just below me and another brother who was just a tot.

But one night, one of the half brothers forced and sexually abused me. This was the turning point in my life, for 3 years he sexually abused me and I lived in fear of him thinking that he was going to hurt me phsyically if I told Dad. Needless to say, when I told Dad, he did nothing about it because he feared his wife who was very good in revealing secrets at opprotune times.

But the abuses had stopped, but the damage was done. I became a homosexual. I knew that something was wrong, but didn't have the resources to deal with it. Thru puberty I slipped in and out of depressions left right and centre. I just barely passed in schools, I couldn't perform in sports I don't know how I managed to jig that class for 3 years. My self esteem was in the toilet.

I had a father who couldn't understand me, he tried to arrange female encounters to get me straigtened out and the very thought of it grossed me out.

On top of that Dad kept telling me that I was stupid and wouldn't amount to nothing, and I believed him. He'd whipped me and smash me up against the wall. One time he rammed my head on the fridge door because I was asking Mom for a glass of water (I think he was in one of his wicked moods). My mother couldn't do anything she was powerless.

Mom told me once, everytime she got down to seek the kingdom of God, I would act up, and she had to stop what she was doing and deal with me, because your father wanted me to be there.

When I turned 15 I was digging around some boxes of old books that was in a closet and found a bible called "Reach out". It was the living translation and I took it too my room and started reading it.

It was here that I came into a relationship with Jesus Christ. What I read, I knew that I was filthy and rotten, I didn't ask Him into my heart, but I knew that He accepted me even with the sin that was in my life. I read that New Testement 3 times and wept thru it all 3 times.

I knew that He forgave me, but I felt no change. All I knew is that I loved Jesus Christ. That is all I ever cared about. I still knew that I had a serious problem with same sex attraction. I would spend hours everyday walking thru the woods talking to my Saviour, everyone around me couldn't understand me, so I took my problems to Him and He comforted me, and I would sing to Him. Until one day the United Pentecostals told me that your not saved unless you speak in other tongues. Well in my condition that was the last thing that I needed to hear, so my relationship with the LORD went from Love to fear. Instead of seeking Him I sought this tongues.

But nevertheless, I was able to overcome and a few other things as well and I begin to have a deep hunger for the Holy Spirit, so I sought the holy Spirit and I when I received Him, I did speak in tongues and I lived in that glory for awhile, until this ugly part of my life reared it's ugly face again.

In time the LORD caused me to see me the way He sees me and I realized that I was not stupid and that I am going to amount to something someday in Him.

I began to ask the LORD to give me friends that would do me some good, and he caused me to meet older people in the LORD, those who had been hermits and have received great knowledge and wisdom from God. These people were nobodies, they didn't have a name, but they had a power in the name of Jesus.

I hated my Dad, but I also knew that this was wrong and I needed to forgive him. With my own strength I tried to write a letter saying that I was sorry, and I'd end up writing something nasty, and with disgust threw it out. But the time came when I said, "LORD, I can't do this, I can't write this letter". And it was there that I felt the hand of God on me and I began to write in the spirit of His grace and wrote a letter out of sincerity and truth, and at the end of that letter I said, "Dad I forgive you".

It was a triumphant moment, that I can't do anything without Him.

Dad was a controlling freak, and I learned later why God had me write those words, because had I said, "Dad will you forgive me?", he would have held that over my head and made sure that I paid whatever thing that I had committed. You see what I mean by us paying for Dad's error for not going into the ministry, he grew worse, he was like a madman at times. The love of money robs you of your sanity.

He became wealthy and very successful but had no peace, he'd lay awake all night,popping pills to ease the ulcer or the heart burn, and couldn't get any sleep. The holy Spirit would prick his heart at times, but pride kept him from repentance. The devil robbed him of his reward and died poor in spirit.

After that I sought deliverance, I went thru several sessions, there was no manifestations whatsoever. I asked my Pastor, "maybe there is nothing there", and he said, "Oh it's there all right". I got discouraged about the whole thing and never went back.

Homosexaulity is the worst form of sin imaginable, it literally changes your chemistry in your body.
When a man should be desiring the opposite sex as being normal, the same holds true for the homosexual, the desires he feels is normal to him.

The only thing that seperates this is the truth of God's word. Once you know that truth, the only thing is either to fight against it or conform to it and allow God to work this imbalance into normalacy.

This is why I can't really call this a testimony because it doesn't lead anyone to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, because I am still not changed in this area.

If you knew me to talk to me you would know in your spirit that we are of the same breed of believers in Christ.

We have the same Spirit. I have prayed and have fasted 24 days once (not boasting) for freedom from this desire, weeping, and at times I thought my whole insides were going to burst. Only to come back to it when the fast was over.

But not all was lost, I received other things from the word and man you couldn't give enough money to take that truth away from me.

My chief joy is wisdom and knowledge and understanding and love.

I am not an Apostle, nor have I prophesied, I am not an evangelist, I have not led one soul to the LORD, I am not a Pastor nor am I a teacher. I have no biblical giftings, and I don't even know if I have any fruit. But if you put me in front of the Army of the LORD I could sing and praise the LORD in the beauty of holiness.

The LORD has done a lot of work in me, he lifted mine head from a sorrowful state, and caused me to be more bold, by giving me a brother in the LORD who didn't mind being touched (in a clean way). This was very important to me. He was secure in who he was and he was as straight as a board. But God used him to mold me into what He would have me to be. He had a charisma about him and that feature rubbed onto me. You see I was very insecure of my own sexuality and still am in some ways but not as it was in those days I needed to reach out and touch someone, and they not being offended if I did.

There is alot of in between things that happened, but that kind of stuff is not appropriate, I need not glorify the devil.

This word has caused me to do one thing and that is I am going to be careful how I respond to your posts, seeing that I have nothing to offer......yet!



Sincerely in Christ

Karl

 2005/4/6 22:02
moreofHim
Member



Joined: 2003/10/15
Posts: 1632


 Re: Karl's Testimony

Karl,

wow, I don't really have any words to say. I do want to thank you for opening your heart for everyone to see. The life that we have been given (our past), we cannot always understand- only the Creator does. my heart goes out to you for the pain you have been through. I do know that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted.

May the Lord lead you into His fullness. May the Lord Jesus be your victory. May you continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ.

bless you brother.

In Christ, Chanin


_________________
Chanin

 2005/4/6 22:52Profile
lastblast
Member



Joined: 2004/10/16
Posts: 528
Michigan

 Re: Karl's Testimony

Quote:
I am going to be careful how I respond to your posts, seeing that I have nothing to offer......yet!



You are WRONG brother.........you have much to offer and have shared some right now in your testimony. Thank you. The Lord is good and know that His Word is True that what He has begun in you He WILL finish..........as He will with each of us.....til the wretchedness is no more. Blessings in Him, Cindy :-)


_________________
Cindy

 2005/4/6 23:43Profile
crsschk
Member



Joined: 2003/6/11
Posts: 9192
Santa Clara, CA

 Re: Karl's Testimony

Dear Karl...thanks man.

This is really an incredible testimony brother and you know why?

Quote:
I am not an Apostle, nor have I prophesied, I am not an evangelist, I have not led one soul to the LORD, I am not a Pastor nor am I a teacher. I have no biblical giftings, and I don't even know if I have any fruit. But if you put me in front of the Army of the LORD I could sing and praise the LORD in the beauty of holiness.


That's why. Not one of those "I"'s can do any of those things, neither can I.

Joh 15:5 I am the vine, you are the branches. The one who abides in me while I abide in him produces much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Be sure brother, there is fruit, much fruit.


_________________
Mike Balog

 2005/4/6 23:48Profile
Compton
Member



Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 2732


 Re:

Quote:
...I don't even know if I have any fruit.



Brother Karl,

There is profound kindness in you. You have other fruits of the Spirit too. Don't you doubt that. Your post displays courage and hope in the Lord.

I rejoice that you are tenacious enough to fight for complete victory in the area of sexual purity. I think most everyone here would agree that before any of us finds victory over besetting sins, there must be repentance from pride. Pride is where the gloves must come off. We comfort and aid the enemy of our soul with too much padded religion...by sharing your struggle you show a heart for bareknuckled repentance. You have honored, and perhaps even challenged, this community by being humbly willing to entrust your story to us. My guess is that your post will generate many powerful prayers from these sincere saints who are eager to fight with you in your spiritual battle. You are not alone!

I believe you have chosen a fitting name for yourself and your unfolding testimony...Healing Waters.

Blessings,

MC


_________________
Mike Compton

 2005/4/7 0:04Profile
PTywama3
Member



Joined: 2005/3/1
Posts: 156
Tacoma, WA

 Re: Karl's Testimony

Karl,

Don't ever believe you have nothing to offer. One thing my father is fond of telling me is that even a ditch digger can tell you how to better dig a ditch. And although my father is not of sure footing, I find the same to be true.

We are all made in the image of God, albiet some believe a fallen image via Adam. I can say this: I believe God has invested in every one of his children. And that is valuable. It may take some time to find out what it is, more time to let God refine it, and yet more time until it is polished enough to where men find it pretty. But God knows its value now, He put it there. He can use it now with more affluency than we can know.

I am unpolished, and unpracticed. I think many of us here would find ourselves that way. Your comments are valuable because [i]you[/i] are valuable.

God bless,
David


_________________
David Reynolds

 2005/4/7 0:06Profile
Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re:

Quote:
Pride is where the gloves must come off.


Oh!!! Ain't it the truth!!! That's good Mike.

Karl, your testimony left me speechless. I'm so glad that you shared it! Thank you. I'm really glad you are here with us. Please interact and post your thoughts as often as you would like. My prayers will be for you. Love, Dian.

 2005/4/7 6:44Profile
InTheLight
Member



Joined: 2003/7/31
Posts: 2734
Phoenix, Arizona USA

 Re: Karl's Testimony

Awesome testimony brother, my prayers are with you, remember victory isn't a "thing" we are given, it is a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ!

Quote:
I am not an Apostle, nor have I prophesied, I am not an evangelist, I have not led one soul to the LORD, I am not a Pastor nor am I a teacher. I have no biblical giftings, and I don't even know if I have any fruit.



I'm thinking this is how Gideon felt while threshing wheat in a winepress to hide it from the Midianites, and then he heard this;

And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, [b]The LORD [is] with thee, thou mighty man of valour.[/b] (Judges 6:12)

In Christ,

Ron


_________________
Ron Halverson

 2005/4/7 10:34Profile









 Re: Karl's Testimony

Praise God, Karl... isnt it wonderful that He can saved scumbags like us?

I've given tidbits of information concerning my testimony, and tho quite different from yours, we all come to God with issues. His transformation in me was overnight in some things, and in others not so quick. Even a decade later there are still things that He has chosen to take His time on. (a lot of that is my being a very stubborn individual. A blessing in some ways.. a curse in others)

Stick with it, Karl... God is faithful to complete what He has started.

Thanx for sharing!

Krispy

 2005/4/7 10:50
MrBillPro
Member



Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 3229
Texas

 Re:

Would post my Testimony but it's on going everyday
and don't look for it anytime soon it will probably be on going until God calls me home. :-P


_________________
Mr. Bill

 2005/4/7 12:02Profile





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