I just want to encourage you bro. the struggle is a good sign it means you're not defeated. i can relate to the passion you have for purity--Keep your eyes on the hill from whence comes your help--for God wants us to be with Him and he will empower us to.
| 2005/4/5 15:12||Profile|
I am finishing the first year second time of my degree and my head is in a mess and I cant concentrate. i failed the first time and i dont want to fail again. i have tried to do my work but cant concentrate. my usb pen broke. I am doing a computing degree and need some help in the realms of computing and programming. I need to have a clean heart and a pure head and be dead to temptation. i am finding it so hard to pray. I have recently downloaded esword on to my palm top and all I listen to is the bible and christian music. I need Jesus. One of my favortite teachers is Clay Mclean and I havent got any of his teachings to add. When comng to turning Tapes to Mp3 I find it hard and need to have peace of mind and sort all my problems in canterbury which I need prayer for. I am scared of going back to church and got banned from the cu for worship god probably for stupid things which were all my fault. In canterbury we past by a place where fourty martyrs died for jesus in the early centuries. I am scared. I need Jesus I feel like a complete and utter failure, I probably looked up the wrong things on a website and that has made me impure, I have to pack tommorow and will not have a computer connected online. I need the joy of the Lord back. I need to come out of self pity. Last Year one of my close friends died and it is coming up to the anniversery of his death he used to pray with me all the time and I have not found anybody like. i normally am quite afraid of people and normally say a few things in meetings but the leaders get afraid of me I do not know why it is normally a day when I have been praying hard and I am called a disturbance. Jesus said I will give you life and in all its abundance. I feel as dead as a doornail and useless for nothing the big things to me are forgiving. With not watching television it was amazing how many times I got attacked more. I used to be an avid star trek fan and friends fan and used to watch them to the early hours of the morning until I actually met people who were broken as them in real life and then all the television and films did not seem so funny. When you have lost someone dear to you. it is not so funny. I just want to bring this issue tot he cross and lay all the things on my heart. Last term my private prayer journals were taken and inside I felt as if I was hurt inside and I wanted to bless so much the people hurting me. C
Clay Mcelan ssay that when you write out hte story of your life it is only the hollywood version and that it is not completely true but when you do write out your life story you are blessed as with brother Karls Testimony. These cold embers need the fire of God when I was into pornography there was a time when I would not sleep for say three to four days in a row until the issue was sorted out and when I was doing my computing a level course which I failed. I was in such a state that I was demonically attacked along the road it saddened me when I realized that the programs that I were listening to on the raid did not glorify God I stayed up till 1:00am in the morning to listen to a foul show at night and then relaized if that is bad then god convicted me on television.
I was halfway doing an art course and computing course and I had relationship problems I got banned from a camp because my state got so bad that I ran of as a leader into a field crying becuase my head was throbing and i didnt have a clue what was going on.
Memories were rotating round my head like a constant videotape I went into paronia. I could not handle it. Along time ago I did a stupid thing at a youth camp which the whole of my churhc and my firends were present it made me feel so low and I could not get rid of that memory for 4 years until god healed me. I realized studying art what effect it had on me and I realized that if I was getting depresse reading ream upon ream of art litrature some of it pronographic in nature. I love art and drawing and would love to do it for a living but was refuse to do it at degree level.
I was at the soul surviour church in watford at the time where people like Matt Redman and mIke Pillivachi preach and the Lord was convicting me to get baptised and I got baptised at 20, I was brought up in a christian school which did me alot of good and had to stand up for what I belived in for years on end even thou there was christian it does not mean everyone is a christian and had to move church after the toronto blessing hit and ended up having to move schools and then being placed back into that enviroment and leaving church.
What I am saying is that past things even along time ago effect me and finding out who I am and what god wants for my life
I am crying at the moment. Recently I got stuck outside with slugs crawling along the floor and my housemates did have pornography on the walls and everytime I went home I was attacked. I love praying outside because I find that I can have a closer relationship with god and I used to pray outside but now I am finding it hard ven to say a few words to god or Jesus.
Crying again. Since the loss of my prayer partner I am finding it hard to talk on a deep level because I would phone him up every single day of the week sometimes not as regular. Me and him used to listen to the KJV version of the bible together and all the old hossana cds. I finded that I didnt need to talk to him. When I used to struggle with pornogrpahy I used to talk to my dad about it and pray with my dad but I am finding it hardeer to relate because I dont watch television and it is almost a language barrier. Me and my dad hugged in a prayer conference along time ago and my dad sanctified my last house where I was living but I need my inner house and my temple of the holy sprit to be sanctified, I want my house to be a witness for people so that when they come round they can experience the love of Jesus from the posters that I have up on the wall and the music playing. I have one person called Keith in the church here I find can pray for me but would like more prayer support. I have also a christian girl called Amy I find is a fantastic prayer and wants to go for Jesus 100% like I do but she is leaving soon and I am scared. I want to carry a ghetto blaster and play christian music and the bible around with me but I have a pda which I can play sermons from this website.
Generally Guys I need Your support I need Jesus to sen his B52 bombers to break through in my life. Is it Ok Greg that I talk about my personal struggle with god because I find that my personal life is my public life as E M bounds says I cant remember the quote I want to relate and be normal which is Jesus again and get my work done.I find that letting all your personal issue goes relaxes you and purifys you. As John Newton said I am a sinner who needs a savior.
I am not anybody important I just want to know why I am I here and what purpose has god got for me? I know the bible probably not well enough, I have listened to most tapes,I just want answers. I just want to be pure and holy. I just want to be honest with god and he with me.
| 2005/4/7 20:01||Profile|
| Re: Computing|
My precious Brother in Jesus
I have read your story and I can share in what you are going thru. What your going thru is called co-dependency. It means you need someone else's emotions for your to be stablized. Most people including myself needs another for emotional support to survive. I was very much like you especially if someone that I had attached myself too is no longer there. And this seems to be the case for you.
We turn to the beggerly elements of lust and pornography because we think that that might hold some support, but we find out that it delivers a seaons of pleasure but not everlasting peace, and peace is what you need in your soul that is raging.
The holy Spirit is looking for you to turn to Jesus, and to talk to Him, so that He can be your true source of stablity. As a group here at Sermon Index we can pray for you but it is finally up to you to make the decision to want to be helped. That sounds like slap in the face doesn't?, but that question was poised at me one time and I took great offence to it, but I realized that tho my head was saying I wanted help but my heart was not looking for a way out, it wanted to feel justified and righteous, my condition is a result of someone else let them pay.
I am glad that the LORD showed me the error of my ways and I repented of this evil and now receive His help and the help of those around me whom He sends.
If you still have internet access, I HIGHLY recommend you get a filter www.integrity.com and when you install this get someone else to put in a password, so you can't tamper with it. Once that is in place your desires for pleasure on the internet will become dim and you won't even think about it anymore. I know, this has helped me tremendously.
I would put it off and put if off for months, because I thought I could handle it, but each time I fall into it time and time again.
The reason why you can't concentrate in your schooling is because God is trying to get your attention. You won't fail again, if you put God first in your life. Jesus said, "Without me you can do nothing", Paul said, "You are not your own, you have been bought with a price".
What you have been doing as I see in your letter is that your frustrating the Grace of God, by doing things that you know is not good for you but do it anyway.
I was a Trekky fan like you, I would watch all the TNG everyday, but the holy Spirit spoke to me and said "I don't want you watching this anymore the idea's and concept are antichrist in nature". I obeyed.......for awhile, and I went back into it when I felt just like you, lonely and full of despair.
Sometime later, I got away from them altogether.
God is wooing you to Himself, respond to Him. He doesn't expect you to get on your knees in some pious fashion so you can talk to Him, just open your mouth and cry to Him, even if all you can say is "LORD Jesus, Save Me". He will comfort you, He will come to you, that I can promise. He will blanket you with peace, and you will sleep with that knowledge that all is well.
I know what I am talking about, I've been where you have been. Your a work in progress, and God wants to work on you, what you need to do is to obey Him.
Brother we all want to know the will of God for our lives, but believe me you don't want to know it all, you only want to see a little at a time.
There are seasons when some of us don't pray at all, it seems like we just entered a desert of extreme loneliness and we just sit there and don't say nothing. We long for things to happen, we desire the changes to occur, but nothing happens.
Then there are other seasons when we can't get enough of prayer, there seems to be a pot roast of His word on the table everyday to gnaw on.
Other times we wonder if there is anymore food left. These times come and they go, but all are there to try us, what do we want? Him or the things He supplies? Of course it is Him that we want. And we continue to endure.
My friend let me tell you something about myself and my walk with Jesus. I haven't felt the Spirit of God move upon me in a great way in years. I told Him years ago, "LORD, if I don't know you, I don't want the power". I have got to know Him and His ways. Those two things are the most important things in my life as a believer, I careless about anything else, but that knowing Him and His ways.
I have gone thru many dark valleys of extreme loneliness, I have made my bed in hell, and found the LORD to be right beside me.
You see all your ills can be solved, just by repentance. Willing to turn away from everything that your doing and allow the holy Ghost to snip those things from your life. For me, somethings was instantanously, most have been over time, but it was worth it.
You don't need to keep giving your heart to God, you are His child, you just need to repent.
A bit of fasting wouldn't hurt either, this clears the mind and helps the Spirit speak to you. Feeding the flesh with food keeps our appetites for the things of our flesh active but when we obstain for a season it gives your spirit man a chance to grow and you will benefit greatly by doing this.
If you plan to do this, I highly recommend you start out with soups and vegetable or fruit juices to wean yourself off of solids. If you are a coffee and tea drinker you will experience headaches, so you may want to take aspirin for the first couple of days. If you can endure to the fifth day your home clear. You won't feel any hunger pangs but drink plenty of spring water.
I too had a prayer partner and we used to pray every night for revival and we prayed for hours, and the holy Spirit met with us. But that was stopped because of circumstances that was beyond our control. I long to have that again and I have prayed that that might happen but that prayer has never been answered yet, I think I know why.
After you have fasted for a least 14 days or more it's up to you and you won't die, you'll do your body a world of good and your spirit man will be stonger because your appetite for the word will increase and you WILL feel more secure in Jesus.
Just as you started the fast, it is the same way as you end it, start with watery soups, for the first two days and then eat thicker soups. Don't drink any coffee or tea or fruit drinks, doing this will give you a "high" that you won't like. You can start drinking those when you start eating solids. Solids meaning bread and vegetables etc.. meats should be eaten a week after the fast has been broken.
But they also say to consult your doctor if you go on such a fast, I have never did.
I hope some of this has helped you brother, and take heed and open your heart to the other brethern who will offer hope and enouragement as well. We are all here to help in some way, not willing any should leave discouraged.
| 2005/4/7 22:35|
Cany anybody pray for me as I need help in my computing degree to keep my mind focussed and get a finance piece of work done to keep my mind pure. I have alot of work to get done
| 2005/4/12 12:34||Profile|
hey man keep the faith, and its our perseverence that in the end matters!! I have very simular expiernce that you have and am in the midst of the end so to speak,lol! But yeah man, keep things up look to the Lord, and yeah i'll be praying for ya!
Ps. I noticed this is like at least the third our forth time your making the same request, ya need to make it and turn it over to the Lord, you continue to pray and be persistant with Him on your end, you've made your request known, and when you continue with the same request it makes me weary, lol, but love ya man, TOTALLY feel for ya!
| 2005/4/12 13:33||Profile|
I was ministering to my family, and I asked one of my sons to go get a "clear glass" and fill it almost full of water. When he returned, I asked him to take a small drink of it which he readily did.
Then I went outside and got just a pinch of dirt. I came back in and dropped the pinch of dirt in the glass of water. It quickly settled on the bottom of the glass. The water still looked really clear. I asked him to take another drink. He of course balked quickly. I asked him why wouldn't he take a drink. "Because you put dirt in it". I challenged him that it was only a very small amount of dirt. Yet he insisted that the small amount of dirt rendered the entirety of the water unfit to drink.
I then asked him was this not like going to a movie with only a "few cuss words" or only "one sex scene"? You see, it does not take but one small sin to render our vessel impure. Purity should always be our goal. God will clean us up when we repent. But we have a responsibility to keep guard over our vessel and keep the dirt out. Had my son placed his hand over the opening of the glass, I could not have put the dirt in.
Take note that the small pinch of dirt did not displace the water inside. The water was still there and 100% water. But it was no longer useful for quenching a thirst.
It's the same thing with the living water, beloved. It only takes a small sin or disobedience to the leading of the Holy Spirit to render us ineffective in our witness. Oh you may get a desperately thristy person to drink. But you will generally be refused and ignored.
Oh God how I long to be holy and pure. Help me not to confuse the evil thoughts and temptations of my already crucified flesh with the joy of knowing that the blood of Jesus has made me Holy and Pure. Help me oh God to guard my holiness imputed to me. Help me to value it as a great treasure. Give me the heart and mind of Jesus, that would even suffer death rather than mar the honor of Your glory oh Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen and amen.
| 2005/4/12 21:12|
Lahry Thank you for your post this is very use full to thew one who read this. I paste copy and print it, if you don't mind I'm going to share it the the home group we have here.
May God bless you, and your family.
| 2005/4/13 0:49||Profile|
| Re: HeavenlyMan|
My dear Brother in Christ Jesus,
When I post something that has any value at all, it is given as a gift for whosoeverwill. Please feel free to use it as you see fit. If I post something that is not of value, please pray for me that I will be able to discern the difference and not do that the next time.
Thank you for your warm words of exhortation. May God bless you and keep you, lead you and guide you, and prosper all you lay hand upon..in Jesus' Holy Name, Amen.
| 2005/4/13 7:18|
Lahry that was such a cool post about the glass of water one of my teachers in school used the anology of paint and how if you pour one drop of paint into a glass of water it changes the water from clear to black. Thankyou
I need help in the realms of accounting and computing can anybody help me!!! and getting essays done !!!
I need my sleep patterns to be normal !!!
Sermonindex has been such a blessing to me, with all you guys. I have also been wondering about Singleness and how it affects your life. I have also been wondering how I can sort my horizontal relationships out !!!
As they are a mess
Leanne Payne say
I have been wanting to turn some old tapes into MP3's and wondering what future god has planned for me and hoping that I have not missed anything.
The times that I seem to pray the most, the times I most get attacked. I want prayer for my old housemates as I would love to see them saved.
It is not knowledge that I want it is him !!!Jesus !!!
It says god uses the foolish things to confound the wise and I been foolish at alot of things.
One time I asked god what is love? I have read the four loves by C S Lewis and other books, old to new but probably not enough. I also wonder where god will use my computing skills and all the knowledge stored up in my head.
Charles Spurgeon used it somewhere. I would like to know ? I would like to be like a free bird flying with no direction guided by the wind of the spirit and flowing in the love of Jesus and listening to my Father in Heaven. I so want to cry and get whatever is in my head is wrong as I do no know but I know something is wrong.
Have you ever waned to shine like Moses or stop the Sun like Joshua. To me heaven is worth giving up all the dross of the world down here.
I want to know what to do with my housemates as they are fighting and I do not have the prayer power to fight it or the strength sometimes.
Has anybody else been so miserable they want to pray but cant or cant even get out of bed to do anything? or stuck by Human frailty?
I want to go to my heavenly home as it is there I belong. I want to know what on earth is going on at church and what is church ? I want to finish my assignment and get a good mark if god allows it. I want to please him as
Puddleglum says in the Silver chair
If There is no sun and there is no overworld and there is no moon and there is no stars,even if they are all imaginary I will still believe in them. I know jesus exists even if there is no symbols of him or no churches.
Sorry for that C S Lewis quote I memorized most of the Chronicles.
I want Jesus !!!!
| 2005/4/13 21:50||Profile|
The bible says seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. Amen and amen. I have found that nothing is hidden from God. When I am at a loss, I ask Him and most of the time, He shows me what I am looking for. I just have to be careful and not put limits on what I want it to be. :-o
You asked alot of questions and I really don't have time to address them all. Please forgive me. But I will say this. You are on the right track seeking Jesus. If you want God to do extrodinary things in your life, He will. The price is death, death to self, so He can live in and through you. That means we have to walk in obedience to the leading of the Holy Spirit, ie, keep His commandments. He promised in John 14:12 that we would do the things He did and greater things than these. We cannot possibly be like Him and do what He did unless we are obedient. It has nothing to do with grace or the law. It's all about abundant living, following the Sheperd, trusting Him regardless of circumstances or events. It takes us up the narrow way and to the high places of His kingdom. We leave our own kingdom far behind.
I must warn you, sometimes there is much fog on the narrow way, so much so that you can hardly take a step at all by sight. Just hold on the the Great Shepard, He is the Way.
Be anxious for nothing. Anxiety is an expression of unbelief. Unbelief is equal to witchcraft. Unbelief challanges the truth of God's Word of love. God is love. His heart toward us is love. He spares nothing to express His love toward us. He even gave His only Son to die in our place. Glory be to God. We must never doubt His love. It tramples the blood of Jesus underfoot, beloved. That is a great wall between the blessings of God and ourselves.
If we keep His commandments, we will be loved by the Father, and we have His promise, that Jesus Himself will manifest Himself to us. Have you ever had such an expreience? I promise you will never be the same. You will never have a doubt about the reality of God. God will no longer be the key figure of a thick book of historic and future events. He will be closer than a brother, ever loving, ever molding (molding sometimes hurts, but it's worth it in the end), ever providing, ever blessing His obedient children. He also corrects us when we are not walking after the Spirit. He wants our eyes to be looking up and your feet on that narrow path following the Way. If we are not being corrected, we are not His. It's that simple. Never count yourself worthy. We are all the beneficiaries of grace. That's why it's so Amazing. There is only One Who is worthy. He said we could have His worthiness. All we need do is ask by faith, faith in what He has already accomplished on the cross.
So let not your heart be troubled. Don't concern yourself with tommorrow. Do the best you can with what you have today. He holds tommorrow, and He holds your hand.
God bless you and keep you, lead you and guide you, and prosper all you lay hand upon, in Jesus' Holy Name...amen and amen.
| 2005/4/13 22:28|