Hi again Codek, I never believed in God until the time I attempted suicide. I was in the bathroom and 16 years of age. I was blaming God for all the things that had gone wrong in my life. I was a very successful athlete but everything fell apart and everyone had deserted me.As I raised my hand to my mouth with a hand full of tablets a presence came from somewhere and into the bathroom. Then I became aware that God was about to speak to me personally.I heard Gods voice rumbling like thunder. I hadn't read a bible and I never knew his voice sounded like that, so it wasn't something I invented. And I hadn't known of his existence before that.The love in that voice for me was totally incredible. Though He did tell me that I was to blame for my life being so bad. That stunned me as at that time I had always blamed my mother.I believe that you really want God. God does love you and loves you amazingly. Those aren't just words from me it's something I know of his heart. I have love and compassion for you. Saying you want to kill God is not what you really want, you just want things to be right in your life. I am recovering from a ten year mental breakdown just now. But I am just returning back to a life of trusting God by faith and because of his promises and his grace. I had been through many years of striving to find God through my own obedience and works.Do you think you might have been doing works to try and please him ? I'm only making a suggestion, to see what you think about this idea.