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bllwue
Member



Joined: 2011/8/30
Posts: 10
South Sudan

 marriage and courtship

I recently got a proposal from a born again christian brother who is an evangelist.The problem that we have is that I fellowship at Assemblies of God church and He is a street preacher.The church endorses a law that when a brother wants to marry,he is obligated to first consult the pastor before approaching the woman,it is than the pastor who will call the woman and deliver such news.Courtship is not allowed as its seen as worldly and causes many to fall into sin.The brother who proposed to me does not believe in such as he sees these as bondage and legalistic.My family will not accept him because he won't follow such laws.

I would like advice with regard to this matter,should he go to the pastor.How should I approach my family about this matter.Should go through courtship?


_________________
Aliya

 2012/9/14 4:18Profile









 Re: marriage and courtship

Sister I find myself somewhat astonished after reading your situation. What I am about to share with you is completely factual and I sincerely pray that the Lord Himself gives your future husband the wisdom to know how to walk.

I came to an AOG in Leicester in 1986. It was Good Friday and as I arrived at the church building for the very first time a group of young believers were preparing for an out reach in the city. One of these was Helen, my now wife. Helen tells me that when she first saw me an inexplicable reaction occurred in her thinking. She thought to herself "I will never marry that man". I myself had no thoughts of any kind as I was actually minded to stay single. A few weeks later I began to have feelings for Helen and asked a sister for advice. This sister thought that I should ask her to the cinema as a first step to exploring my feelings. I should say that I had been told by the pastor when I arrived at the church not to ask any of the sisters out for at least six months. As I wanted to stay single I agreed without any hesitation.

On the day which I was given advice about asking Helen out, another sister informed the pastor of my intentions. He rang Helen and advised her to only spend time with me in the company of at least two or three others. After a further period of time of 2 weeks Helen had not answered me regarding going to the cinema. In the mean time I had become convinced that Helen was going to be my wife. I was not short of conviction and did spend some time in prayer seeking God's will. In the end I found myself asking Helen to marry me to which she immediately agreed. Helen tells me that she also prayed about my invitation to the cinema but took the view that courtship was foolish and so she simply prayed and waited on God.

What is really important about how I came to be married is not the lack of courtship, it has to do with a spiritual matter which at the time I did not understand. Because I disobeyed my pastor by first asking Helen out, and then by asking her to marry me without including him in the process, I put myself out of the church. I also laid myself open to spiritual attack which cost my first born son his health. I cannot stress to you dear sister how important it is to know that the man you have a mind to marry is strong spiritually and is not going to be stumbled by the inevitable consequences which will happen when he decides to act as a natural man, and not as an obedient son. My failure to take account of what my pastor was demanding led to some devilish attacks by other believers, in whisperings and eventually led the pastor to put me aside because of those whisperings. On the day I came back from my honeymoon I came into the church to hear the pastor condemning my marriage and holding it up as a warning to the other young people of the church as an example of disobedience. When I challenged him on the spot asking by what authority he had condemned my marriage, his answer was that he had seen it all before and such marriages had only lasted for two years.

Sister I cant share what I suffered because of the withdrawing of my pastors hand. I believe that he was completely wrong in his understanding and I believe that he acted without knowledge; following a tradition of man and not a reality of God. Despite this I still say that if your intended husband is not spiritually mature enough to stand when the whisperings begin your marriage may well be tested before it has really begun. Helen did not act foolishly when she accepted me as her husband and neither was the pastor personally against me. The simple fact of the matter was that I understood authority in my spirit and knew that the matter of marriage is between a man and a woman and not between a man, woman and a pastor. What I did not understand was that I would become so badly affected by the pastors attitude. It was his lack of love which caused me to weep for several years. Satan took advantage of the wounds and very nearly destroyed my first born son.

If you were my daughter I would advice you to tell him to go to the pastor. It wont prevent him from loving you and it wont change God's will if he knows God's will. But it will keep him in the right place before God especially as he is a street preacher. The attacks of the enemy are real and he ought to be wise in the matter. He may be right about the tradition being legalistic, but is he strong enough to stand. You are just 23 years sister. Is he strong enough to stand?

 2012/9/14 7:01









 Re: Bllwue

Sister you have not shared your feelings regarding this brother. Do you love him? Do you want this man to be your husband? Do you want him to be the father of your children? Do you both want to do ministry together? Do you feel God is calling you both to together as one.

I don't expect you to answer such questions of a personal nature in a public forum. But felt led to ask them that you might seek God's wisdom in this?

May God grant you much wisdom as you consider this important step in your life.

Bearmaster.

 2012/9/14 7:41









 Re:

Maybe it's culture differences, dont know. There are a lot of good spiritual things being said, but I wonder about the total involvement of the pastor. In cases where there is a single woman in the church and her family is either not local, or not believers I can see that... but if the single woman is from a believing family and they are involved in her life... it would seem to me that the pastor is usurping the authority of the father.

Again, I dont have enough information to know if that is what is going on in these situations here. Perhaps his level of involvement is justified. I dont know.

In the case of an evangelist or a new pastor to a fellowship I think the pastor has every right to protect the sheep and tell a fellow younger minister not to pursue any young ladies for 6 months. Very wise.

I dont have any advise for those posting, just wondered about the level of involvement with the pastor, especially IF the father is a believer and involved in his daughters life. The daughter belongs to the father, not the pastor. Surely the pastor can give guidance... but permission?

The original poster indicates that her family IS involved in her life and are part of that church. The young man needs to ask permission of her father, not her pastor. Just my opinion.

Krispy

 2012/9/14 7:58









 Re: marriage and courtship

How much do you love this man?

 2012/9/14 9:50
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7534
Mississippi

 Re: marriage and courtship

I do not know your pastor at all nor the reason for this rule. If he is has the best interests of his flock in his heart this rule is not unreasonable at all. But if he is into control, that is a totally different matter.

If this evangelist resists going to your pastor, it could suggest an independent spirit driving him. Many preachers face this temptation of "being in control and nobody tells me what to do." If I were you I would be very cautious of marrying someone who cannot submit to another authority. If he finds this too hard, I suggest you tell him 'good-bye'. You see some people in authority like to preach how one should submit to authority but refuse to do so themselves, hence my advice.

God bless.


_________________
Sandra Miller

 2012/9/14 10:48Profile
Areadymind
Member



Joined: 2009/5/15
Posts: 1042
Pacific Ocean

 Re:

Whether I agreed with the Pastor or not, I would also agree with Ginny based on the little you have shared.


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Jeremiah Dusenberry

 2012/9/14 11:10Profile
bllwue
Member



Joined: 2011/8/30
Posts: 10
South Sudan

 Re:

Thank you so much and God bless you for your advise,I will certainly take heed to it.I've been battling with issue for quite sometime now.My fear is not obeying and there after have to face consequences.My father is not born again nor is he a part of my life.


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Aliya

 2012/9/15 5:35Profile
bllwue
Member



Joined: 2011/8/30
Posts: 10
South Sudan

 Re:

My love for him would enable me to submit to in marriage,to honor him as a God fearing man and whose intent is to growth with me in the knowledge of Christ and to love me as Christ loved the Church.


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Aliya

 2012/9/15 5:45Profile
bllwue
Member



Joined: 2011/8/30
Posts: 10
South Sudan

 Re:

To KrispyKittr: Well I do not have a relationship with my father and I know he is not born again nor is he a member of any church.My aunt is the one who plays the role of parenting,my mom passed away.She is born again too and fellowships in the same church as me.She totally for the pastor being consulted first before anyone else even the woman being proposed to.


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Aliya

 2012/9/15 5:54Profile





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