Please continue to keep Jackie Kenaston in prayer as she mourns the loss of Denny. Brother Denny's pain and suffering is over but Jackie still needs our prayer support.
Below is the latest journal entry from Jackie.
IT'S NOT OKAY!!!!!
Written Monday July 23rd by Jackie Kenaston
And I'M NOT OKAY! And today I FEEL like I'll NEVER be OKAY again! They say writing can be an outlet.....this WEEP-end I need an OUTlet, so we shall see. I've been listening to Abigail Miller for about 2 hrs (Motz connected the regular computer this week for me, so I found Denny's music and a folder of favorites (most everything is still in storage in IN.).........Abigail has ALWAYS ministered to me in an anointed way, today was the same, except that my understanding of grief and need for comfort was greater. So, I guess I wept a couple of buckets this time, or so it feels like. In the beginning of songs, I thought, oh , I'll ask Paul (her husband) to put a link on for a specific song for you to enjoy and glean from....but by the time I'd listened to 2 hrs worth I realized I'd make him VERY busy, and that you'd better just buy her cds!!!! There were songs about miracles, tears, not understanding, heaven, so many favorites through the years......of course the fourth one being "A Good And Perfect Gift".......about "our" :-) love story set me off for all of the rest of the listening time. NOT that I haven't cried, or don't cry lots everyday, but I had asked the family for a special quiet day and stayed home to spend time however the Lord would lead me. I sent an SOS call to Christine as I entered into my morning, and we spoke about how SPECIAL Denny and my love story was.......so that was setting the mood for me to be able to focus on me, and how I was doing.
SO here are the FACTS.............Can anyone ever exactly understands another's grief? Or their relationship, or why and how it hurts soooo deeply? I have been extremely blessed by all of the widows and widowers who have taken the time to send encouragements...and a bit of their story...surely they understand waay beyond those who haven't walked the path. But! It is an agonizing path that only the Lord can really walk you through, because each of our circumstances is unique, our spouses , our personalities...we all think WE have it the toughest, right? :-) Because we each think our lover was the BEST! I've appreciated all who shared how they wrestled in their hearts....KNOWING and BELIEVING many facts....but not quite FEELING them, and the encouragements to give myself time. I have a lot of wonderful poetry and booklets to read that I believe will strengthen me in the weeks to come. It's a different type of loss for sons and daughters ...but there again too, I believe that each FEELS somewhat the same way, like no one else can truly understand their individual loss of relationship.
Sometimes I FEEL a bit like a bratty child pitching a fit ( as IF I KNOW what's BEST, right?!?!)....FEELING a little complainy, saying "GOD! Your yoke is NOT easy and your burden is NOT light!!! I CAN'T do this!!! I don't WANT to do this! I won't "shock" those of you who have never felt that way by expressing a lot of those feelings, but please do know that those are "feelings"......I allow myself to vent them a bit, but I don't park there!
Raymond Barkman (Clara sounds like she was an absolute gem by the way!) sent several pages of encouragement. Among them was the following poem...ahhh! Understanding!
I'll change it to "husband".....don't know who wrote it originally, but someone who KNEW I'd guess.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it,
PLEASE, don't tell me he's in a better place.
He isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least he isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel.
Unless you have lost a husband.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had him for 39 years.
What year would you choose for your spouse to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you're sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my husband , if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my husband.
PLEASE, mention my wife's name.
PLEASE,...................JUST LET ME CRY! (emphasis mine :-)
Of course, the sentiments are exaggerated for emphasis....trying to help others FEEL how it FEELS. It is practically impossible to never hit a tender spot with someone who has just lost a spouse...but that's ok if you can try to recognize that those tender spots WILL be there, and have nothing to do with not being SPIRITUAL enough! I like the way Wilma Martin expressed it when she spoke of grieving her husband Lynn, who died six years ago. "The sharpness of the pain has lessened, but I'll always carry that deep ache." That is basically the thought I've gathered from those who have travelled this way before. Personally, I appreciate every little thought, card, prayer, remembrance. You will never be able to grasp how meaningful they are, and how often they'll come at just the right moment when the heart is fainting a bit. Friday night a dear young preacher was expressing very kind words about Denny's influence in his life...then said, "You probably hear this a lot!" I quickly said, "It could never be too much! " I never heard HIS story before, so it was new and fresh and I look forward to him sharing more of it with me. I AM Denny's widow, so who he was and how he lived and preached and inspired was a HUMONGOUS part of our lives jointly, so hearing these stories are a comfort. I remember years ago a widow friend speaking of people avoiding her because apparently they felt they didn't know what to say. It is awkward , more for some than others...but a firm handshake, a hug, a hand on the shoulder, they are ALL love pats from the Lord through His people. Please don't hesitate...children's prayers and pennies are exceptionally anointed I think, but parents sometimes "feel funny" sharing them! Perhaps because such a big part of us is missing, we are extra thirsty and hungry to hear about them! Think what it is like to be missing ONE HALF of anything! Pretty noticeable!
So, dear ones, I cry unashamedly, and want you to hear it from me, lest you think I am courageous, I AM NOT! It would be AWFUL to have no tears or heartache at such a time. Yes, Jesus knows, and He cares.........exactly HOW He's going to help me through this remains a mystery to me, but I'd guess it'll be in pretty teeny steps!
Thanks for listening, I wanted to write about "False Bravado", but maybe next time!
Love from my heart,
Daniel's family heads this way on Tuesday...we are all very eager to be together again!
P.S. Esther, thank you for mentioning the photo.........I asked the family about it a few days ago, and we thought it might bring some closure for others just as you said. It's not like we are showing anything that hundreds haven't already seen at the viewings and funeral. I am sorry to hear about your sister, grateful to hear that she is READY to go!