Hey Noah, although I may not know the intricate details of what you are going through, I just wanted to encourage you to press on because He promises to work ALL things for the good. I am sure it must be extra hard not being able to find people in your church to confide in, but I think it's a privilege to be taken into the wilderness to wrestle with God and meet with Him one on one so to speak =) It's a place where your faith really blossoms to deeper maturity and stability on the promises of His Word.
Personally, for me, it was about a year and a half ago that God took me through a very dark time in my life. I was at a point where I felt like everything was being stripped from me: passion for revival, reading the Word, serving at church, friends, and christian music. A deep melancholy came over me and I began to find everything meaningless. At this time, I was also wrestling with a lot of things going on at my church, and was also beginning to question a lot of popular movements that I and the people around me were involved in (ihop and bethel church, etc). I felt completely alone because no one at church understood what was going on. I remember sometimes I would just sit up on my bed for an hour starring out into space feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness. I also got really really sick during this time and was not able to sleep at night. It was very very difficult because the very things that were supposed to hold me up (the Word, prayer, etc) seemed to be removed from me. It was also during this time that I had come to a point of desperation seeking to meet with God and for my life to be conformed to the promises of a pure and holy heart and mind promised in Jeremiah 31 and Ezekiel 11 and 36. I really felt that God had failed me in these promises and that the more I sought Him, the more distant He seemed to get. I had also been trying to systematically remove unnecessary things from my life like secular music, movies, games, etc (not out of a religious mindset but to really live out romans 12:1 and to have the same heart when David said far be it from to sacrifice to the Lord something that costs me nothing). So I had come to a place where I literally had no outlets and places to run to and had to wait upon the mercy of God...and He seemed to be delaying to come to my aid. My mind would remember how it used to be before, when my heart was filled with passion for Him and He seemed so near; these very memories now like a ghostly apparition hauntingly reminding me of how far I have fallen from that place. When I prayed asking God to meet me and speak to me in my dreams, I would get nightmares. Temptations seemed to get stronger and felt I was literally at the very limits of my faith. But the interesting thing was that way way back in my soul?(mind/heart?) there was a small but steady assurance that God would lead me through, that God would lead me through. It was like one tiny microscopic area of calm in the midst of a F5 tornado. But eventually, after God brought me out of this dark time, I really began to understand what faith is. that true faith is when everything begins to fall apart around you; when you own body begins to deteriorate, your own mind begins to deceive you, and your own heart falls out on you, that you can still trust in the promises of His Word which stands firm on His unchanging character demonstrated throughout the scriptures. Once again, that faith is simply to believe in the promises of His Word, that God is faithful and just to those who lean upon Him. Because He chose to love us in spite of us, not because of our works, but because of His grace...
I really hope this encourages and strengthens you in some way...
Also some verses that have been a blessing to me during my 3 month craziness which i hope can be an encouragement to you as well...
Matthew 15:21-28 21 (AC)And Jesus went away from there and withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22 And behold, (AD)a Canaanite woman from that region came out and was crying, (AE)Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely oppressed by a demon. 23 But he did not answer her a word. And his disciples came and begged him, saying, (AF)Send her away, for she is crying out after us. 24 He answered, (AG)I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. 25 But she came and (AH)knelt before him, saying, Lord, help me. 26 And he answered, It is not right to take the children's bread and (AI)throw it to the dogs. 27 She said, Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat (AJ)the crumbs that fall from their masters' table. 28 Then Jesus answered her, O woman, (AK)great is your faith! (AL)Be it done for you as you desire. (AM)And her daughter was (AN)healed instantly.[e]
Luke 18:9-14, 35-43 9 He also told this parable to some (L)who trusted (M)in themselves that they were righteous, (N)and treated others with contempt: 10 Two men (O)went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, (P)standing by himself, prayed[a] (Q)thus: God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 (R)I fast twice a week; (S)I give tithes of all that I get. 13 But the tax collector, (T)standing far off, (U)would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but (V)beat his breast, saying, God, (W)be merciful to me, a sinner! 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For (X)everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.
35 (BE)As he drew near to Jericho, (BF)a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. 36 And hearing a crowd going by, he inquired what this meant. 37 They told him, (BG)Jesus of Nazareth is passing by. 38 And he cried out, Jesus, (BH)Son of David, have mercy on me! 39 And those who were in front (BI)rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, Son of David, have mercy on me! 40 And Jesus stopped and commanded him to be brought to him. And when he came near, he asked him, 41 (BJ)What do you want me to do for you? He said, Lord, let me recover my sight. 42 And Jesus said to him, Recover your sight; (BK)your faith has (BL)made you well. 43 And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him, (BM)glorifying God. And (BN)all the people, when they saw it, gave praise to God.
Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began (H)a good work in you (I)will bring it to completion at (J)the day of Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 13 In him you also, when you heard (B)the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, (C)were sealed with the (D)promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is (E)the guarantee[a] of our (F)inheritance until (G)we acquire (H)possession of it,[b] (I)to the praise of his glory.
Romans 8:16, 26-39 16 (AD)The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For (AU)we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but (AV)the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And (AW)he who searches hearts knows what is (AX)the mind of the Spirit, because[g] the Spirit (AY)intercedes for the saints (AZ)according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together (BA)for good,[h] for (BB)those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he (BC)foreknew he also (BD)predestined (BE)to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be (BF)the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also (BG)justified, and those whom he justified he also (BH)glorified.
31 What then shall we say to these things? (BI)If God is for us, who can be[i] against us? 32 (BJ)He who did not spare his own Son but (BK)gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? (BL)It is God who justifies. 34 (BM)Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who diedmore than that, who was raised(BN)who is at the right hand of God, (BO)who indeed is interceding for us.[j] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, (BP)For your sake (BQ)we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered. 37 No, in all these things we are more than (BR)conquerors through (BS)him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
hebrews 11:1,6
1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of (A)things not seen.
6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God (I)must believe that he exists and (J)that he rewards those who seek him.
all of psalms, haha
also, a book I would recommend that has been a huge blessing to me:
Thomas Watson - All things for good
but yah, Noah, I sincerely pray for God to strengthen you and lead you by the hand through this time. I wish I could do more to help but in all truth you are in the best of hands in Christ. Never lose sight of Him and seek Him even to the very last drop because He promises to meet with those who seek Him and save those who put their trust in Him and not a single one of His Words have ever fallen to the ground. He is faithful =)
God bless and strengthen you brother Noah
your brother in Christ,
Will _________________ Will
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