Thank you all so much for your prayers. I can not express in words fully what they meant to me. Yesterday was a difficult day for me, but I know the LORD gave me these challenges in my life for a reason. I now know the reason was to show me areas of my life that I had been holding back from HIM, areas of my heart that I did not want HIM to touch. I have lived for a very long time in fear and worry of bad things happening, things that are beyond my control. I honestly thought I had died to this, had given it all up but yesterday the LORD showed me through some challenging life events that I was still holding back. I was still not fully letting HIM be LORD of my life, there were times when I was still holding on to trying to be in control. When these challenges came and I saw that there was nothing I could do that things were going to unfold in my life, even some bad things were going to unfold in my life and there was nothing I could do to stop or change it, fear began to well up inside of me. I began to waiver being consumed by fear and worry about all the what if's facing me. The enemy was firing off so many attacks that I felt overcome for a time. As I sat there, my heart racing, I could hear the whispers of fear in my ear tempting me to take control, to turn my back on GOD. It was in this moment that the battle was raging around me that I realized I had not truly died to this sin in my life. This sin of allowing fear to control me and my actions. I saw it full on for what it was, and I began to pray and I asked for prayers from all of you here. I spent much of my time in prayer and seeking GOD, keeping my mind actively focused on HIM and praying for HIM to take each thought captive. I realized that sometimes the worst place for me to be is alone with my "own" thoughts. Left to self the mind begins to imagine all the what if questions and possibilities that can't really be answered. Allowing self the freedom to entertain to many of these kinds of thoughts opens one up to the attacks of both fear and worry. The more I dwell on these things the more the fear grows until finally in a panic I feel I must do something. Usually that something involves taking back control of my life in some fashion and depending on self instead of trusting in GOD. Yesterday and still today I prayed so long and so often that GOD would keep me from walking down that road that self has traveled so often. Yesterday as so many things happened I just kept praying. I kept asking GOD to keep me, I prayed no matter what that HE would help me hold on so tightly to HIM that I couldn't possibly stray. I just didn't want to walk away from HIM in sin, I didn't want to hurt HIM as I know I have so many times in the past...As I did this GOD was faithful, HE showed me many things about myself. I confess that I have been a hypocrite. I have often said things about loving the Lord with all my heart but I did not always walk those things that I professed out in my life. I have allowed self to be deceived into thinking that as long as I was trying my best God would understand, that He would forgive me. I have wanted to do all the right things and be the best person but in the end I realize I had very little faith in the Lord to be in control of my life. I spent much of yesterday in prayer, seeking GOD and repenting. I realized I have been a fake and a fraud in many ways. I see now that all of the pretty words, and spiritual ideas that I spoke of and held to are useless unless I began to live them daily and put them into practice. I must depend completely and solely on HIM only and HE desires for me to do so.
I want to share with you that coming to the LORD this time has been different, as I stood there looking to Him, I saw His love for me, as He demonstrated it out through His sacrifice, something wonderful began to happen in my heart and my life...I see that this is not about me at all, its all about Him. For the first time I really see Him, the person JESUS and more then anything I want to be here with Him. Even in the middle of all these challenges I want to be with HIM. I want to follow Him where ever He might lead me. I want to relinquish all control of this life and more then anything I want to obey Him because I now see He is completely able and trust worthy and deserving of my faith. Yesterday as the battle raged around me HE never left my side, not even for a moment. These aren't just words for me this time, I see so differently then before. He has never once failed me, even though I have failed HIM.
By HIS strength I did not dwell on the situations I was facing yesterday, I did not panic even though I still have no control over the outcome or answers. I did not scheme, plan, or, manipulate to try to get things that I wanted. I did not crumble into a ball of fear and worry, I held on to JESUS and HE held me and together we made it through the day. HE has been my strength, HE has been my shield from the enemy, HE has been everything to me. Tomorrow will still have some of these challenges that I will have to face but I know HE will be with me. I can honestly say that GOD has carried me through and HE has helped me overcome. GOD gave me all that I needed to stand.
As I type this and I think upon Him, I realized I don't want to give into self or self's sinful ways anymore because I don't want to bring pain to Him. I don't want to do anything that would bring HIM sorrow. This time I am not just looking for an escape from the challenges in this life, I am not being driven by fear either. This time I am resting in JESUS and knowing no matter what HE is in control. JESUS has touched my heart again and more so in such a way that I never thought possible. The need for Him in my life is even greater then before because I know if I dare take one step away from Him I am lost. I am beyond weak, I must hold tight to Him. He is truly my only hope in this life and for all eternity. This time the need to be with Him is not just for all that He has done and continues to do for me but because of who He is. The beauty that shown on the cross is so real to me that I have no other desire except to know Him! Today He has opened my heart and eyes even more to see the wisdom and beauty of living in Him as LORD of my life. I don't have all of the answers, I don't know what tomorrow looks like, or where HE will lead me but I do know I am exactly where I want to be. I am with my JESUS! So thank you all for baring this burden with me, thank you for your kindness and love in CHRIST JESUS it has been such an encouragement.
God bless you