Hello. I am 32 and I am currently in a pretty frightening situation. In 2004 I gave my life 2 Christ and began a beautiful relationship. The Holy Spirit began a beautiful work in me. In 2008, after many miracles in my life and others, I began a ministry I felt called to. I was praying and serving the sex industry, which I was also recovering from myself. God really supernaturally changed me and began using me...I was excited and filled with joy. I could go on and on about all our amazing moments and all He had done for me and protected me from. Amazing godly people were in my life and praying for and with me. A year and a half ago I was being persecuted by coworkers and feeling under attack, I began fasting, because I believe The Lord wanted me to. To be honest and to make this story not so long, I stopped following The Spirit. I began 2 fear my enemies, and allowed way to many voices and opinions effect my walk with God. God was clearly calling me in one direction, and through a desert time with Him I chose 2 leave. Walk away and ignore His warnings and Holy Spirit. I became lazy in the faith. I was weary, and decided, I'm gonna give up and take a break. I even told Satan have your way! I was fighting so much in battle, and got tired. I began to walk back into old relationships God clearly called me out of. I started conforming back to the world...biggest mistake. God sent warnings and tried waking me up 2 pray and I ignored Him. I began to lose it mentally and ended up quitting my job and ended up in and out of psych wards...I felt and feel like The Holy Spirit left me... I spoke against God and His Spirit and spoke death over myself. Tried to commit suicide and stopped hearing Gods voice. Since then I've been losing it. I can't hear Him, I have Many voices and thoughts ungodly and don't have my prayer language anymore. I don't know how to go back. I have continued to try to repent, but have been feeding my flesh with cigarettes and food.....I'm home and on disability. I use to be a ministry leader. Yes pride came first, and my tongue. I shared way 2 much about what god and I shared. I exposed our personal relationship with 2 many. And I have been yoked to unbelievers....how. Do I get back. I'm suffering under Gods wrath and judgement. I know it's because of my disobedience. I have fallen from grace. Hebrews 4(I think) talks about once being enlightened and not being able 2 be brought 2 repentance barely sleep and I have evil thoughts and evil dreams...I'm scared. I've lost my salvation. It's like the parable of the one who was filled with joy, then gave in...any suggestions. I've been going 2 church and support groups,but I feel like God is confirming over and over again, it's 2 late and I'm cut off 4 all my wickedness...I want 2 glorify God and all I've been doing is glorifying the devil. I feel like I am a devil, and Antichrist....I'm a woman, who at once was a beautiful bride for Christ. I delighted in Him, and He delighted in me. I know only Jesus can save me, but I came across this site 2 day and figured I would try 2 reach out and see. I read a testimony on here from a man and he seemed to have experienced similar thing. The title of his topic was What Does it Mean to Be under Gods Judgemennt.
Thanks 4 ur time
| 2012/5/9 20:36||Profile|
"Pilgrim and Sojourner." - 1 Peter 2:11
| 2012/5/9 20:44||Profile|
| Re: Hello...|
Sister your testimony is challenging and speaks of considerable difficulties. I am going to pray for a short while and come back to share with you as the Lord leads. Be at peace in this knowledge at least that what you have experienced is not as rare as you may feel. Not only this but God is more than able to heal you and restore you if you are willing.
| 2012/5/9 20:48|
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Thank u. I will check out the sermons. I have been in the Word a lot. It brought me lots of hope and joy at one time. I will continue 2 read, and I will check out your suggestions. I do want 2 say that I do believe I have many evil spirits in me, and when I read the word I am ever reading, but not receiving. I remember when the Holy Spirit would highlight scriptures from me. I feel I may be an enemy 2 God, although I don't want 2 be. I just read the moderator post below about praying b4 I post. I am reading the scriptures suggested. I read them and I realize I wrote out of myself. I will be held accountable 4 all of this. Sorry if wrote anything harshly.
| 2012/5/9 21:02||Profile|
| Re: Hello...|
I was being persecuted by coworkers and feeling under attack, I began fasting, because I believe The Lord wanted me to...
MoReen your mind is your own and it doesn't belong to another. When you first believed and experienced the joy you spoke of think about how light on your mind was that joy. At the time you knew that you belonged to the Lord. As you said you were his bride. The Lord has all authority and power, both here on earth and in heaven, yet his hold on your life was not oppressive or painful. This is what Jesus promised He would be like to anyone who was weary and heavy in life.
No matter where it comes from the opposite of this is heaviness and weariness. You have said that your co-workers to the women you were seeking to minister to, started persecuting you. And you say that you feel as though you are anti christ and possessed. You even say that you don't know if you really believe.
In Romans the apostle Paul speaks about the renewing of the mind. Paul explains why a christian needs to be renewed in their mind. It is so that you can prove the perfect and acceptable will of God in your life. This is what you tried to do when you went into the ministry of trying to help the 'sisters' to get right with God. You understand.
Reflect and remember how easy it was at that time and remember how you came to loose your ability to do the work of helping those you were serving in the Lord's name. This has nothing to do with feelings it is a memory of what really happened. Today you have come to a place which you say is frightening. Apart from the fear of God all other fears are like loosing control over your own mind. If what is happening to you now is God's hand to bring you back into His fold, then you really have nothing to fear except God. His fear is the beginning of wisdom and it is given for a purpose. Everything else is nothing.
Lay hold of the Scriptures which the moderator has given you and resist and deny the fears and thoughts and feelings of the mind. Its your mind Sister. It belongs to you. Take every though prisoner to the knowledge that Jesus died for you and He lives for you. You don't belong to anyone else. You belonged to Jesus even before you first knew it in 2004. He paid the price long before you were born and had all men in His mind when He did it, willingly. No one made Jesus do what He did. He did it to demonstrate that the Father in heaven loved you and all men.
One thing more Sister. God still loves you no matter what you feel about yourself. There are many people on this site who can testify to that amazing truth. Getting the wrong side of a few co-workers wouldn't have changed anything had you allowed God to renew your mind just a little more before you rushed back to tell the others about Jesus. Time to take a rest Sister and let God do the necessary things to renew your faith and love for Him. I will be praying for you as will others, just as God intended it to be.
| 2012/5/9 21:54|
| Re: Thank you|
I thank you 4 your encouragement. I am blessed 2 have others praying 4 me. It is my mind, you are right. God is more powerful than any curse or soul tie. Thank you again.
I want to be obedient 2 God, and two addictions are holding me back. But he is strong enough 2 help me..I'm praying 4 God 2 help me be willing.
I do fear He doesnt hear me.. He knows everything, though. It's my mind. A mind I have abused for the past year...I allowed the world back into it.
Please pray 2 that God would lead me 2 work or show me where He wants me 2 go. Even church. Praying 4 His love, and I will focus on the joy of The Lord.
| 2012/5/9 22:15||Profile|
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I don't know if you've ever read The Pilgrim's Progress before but I thought I would post a section of the story on here for your encouragement. This was first published in 1678. This is the part of the story when the man named Christian goes through the valley of the shadow of death. It's lengthy but I hope it helps you to know that what has and is happening to you is not the end and that God, though He is silent, is still with you.
I saw then in my dream, so far as this valley reached, there was on the right hand a very deep ditch; that ditch is it into which the blind have led the blind in all ages, and have both there miserably perished. Again, behold, on the left hand there was a very dangerous quag, into which, if even a good man falls, he finds no bottom for his foot to stand on: into that quag king David once did fall, and had no doubt therein been smothered, had not He that is able plucked him out. Psa. 69:14.
The pathway was here also exceeding narrow, and therefore good Christian was the more put to it; for when he sought, in the dark, to shun the ditch on the one hand, he was ready to tip over into the mire on the other; also, when he sought to escape the mire, without great carefulness he would be ready to fall into the ditch. Thus he went on, and I heard him here sigh bitterly; for besides the danger mentioned above, the pathway was here so dark, that ofttimes when he lifted up his foot to go forward, he knew not where, or upon what he should set it next.
About the midst of this valley I perceived the mouth of hell to be, and it stood also hard by the wayside. Now, thought Christian, what shall I do? And ever and anon the flame and smoke would come out in such abundance, with sparks and hideous noises, (things that cared not for Christians sword, as did Apollyon before,) that he was forced to put up his sword, and betake himself to another weapon, called All-prayer, Eph. 6:18; so he cried, in my hearing, O Lord, I beseech thee, deliver my soul. Psa. 116:4. Thus he went on a great while, yet still the flames would be reaching towards him; also he heard doleful voices, and rushings to and fro, so that sometimes he thought he should be torn in pieces, or trodden down like mire in the streets. This frightful sight was seen, and these dreadful noises were heard by him for several miles together; and coming to a place where he thought he heard a company of fiends coming forward to meet him, he stopped, and began to muse what he had best to do. Sometimes he had half a thought to go back; then again he thought he might be half-way through the valley. He remembered also, how he had already vanquished many a danger; and that the danger of going back might be much more than for to go forward. So he resolved to go on; yet the fiends seemed to come nearer and nearer. But when they were come even almost at him, he cried out with a most vehement voice, I will walk in the strength of the Lord God. So they gave back, and came no farther.
One thing I would not let slip. I took notice that now poor Christian was so confounded that he did not know his own voice; and thus I perceived it. Just when he was come over against the mouth of the burning pit, one of the wicked ones got behind him, and stepped up softly to him, and whisperingly suggested many grievous blasphemies to him, which he verily thought had proceeded from his own mind. This put Christian more to it than any thing that he met with before, even to think that he should now blaspheme Him that he loved so much before. Yet if he could have helped it, he would not have done it; but he had not the discretion either to stop his ears, or to know from whence these blasphemies came.
When Christian had travelled in this disconsolate condition some considerable time, he thought he heard the voice of a man, as going before him, saying, Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Psa. 23:4.
Then was he glad, and that for these reasons:
First, Because he gathered from thence, that some who feared God were in this valley as well as himself.
Secondly, For that he perceived God was with them, though in that dark and dismal state. And why not, thought he, with me? though by reason of the impediment that attends this place, I cannot perceive it. Job 9:11.
SI Moderator - Jeremy Hulsey
| 2012/5/9 22:26||Profile|
| Re: Hello...|
I'm not all that knowledgable about these sorts of things but it is my understanding that if you still have a fear of God and fear of Hell and longing for salvation that there is still hope and you have not crossed the line of no return. Someone can correct me on this if i am wrong but it is my understanding that the true apostate no longer has any fear of Hell or care of going there nor fear of God. That would be the person who cannot be brought back to repentance anymore.
| 2012/5/9 23:50||Profile|
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Thank you 4 encouragement. I'm taking one day at a time..trying to retrain my mind. God Bless.
| 2012/5/10 19:52||Profile|
Phoenix, Arizona USA
| Re: Hello...|
it's 2 late and I'm cut off 4 all my wickedness
I am reminded of what Corrie ten Boom said, "there is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still."
Don't let Satan lie to you and don't elevate your faults over the cross. Don't make a bunch of promises that you'll do better but trust in His promises, appropriate them.
Brokenness is good, godly repentance is good, but let it bring you to Him and to rejoice in His embrace, there will be strength over temptation.
| 2012/5/10 20:14||Profile|