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Renoncer
Member



Joined: 2010/6/26
Posts: 483


 Re: ?

Aaron312,
What did your pastor say about it? Did you go to your church's leadership about this?

 2011/9/15 21:16Profile
aaron312
Member



Joined: 2011/9/15
Posts: 4


 Re:

she wouldnt let me talk to them about it . if i did that it would for sure be my head

 2011/9/15 21:43Profile
jimp
Member



Joined: 2005/6/18
Posts: 1481


 Re:

you can not change her so you change. do special things for her even when she does not deserve you doing anything.

 2011/9/15 22:02Profile
Renoncer
Member



Joined: 2010/6/26
Posts: 483


 Re:

Aaron312,

Keeping these things hidden will not help. I'm not saying you should tell everyone about it, but you must come before the authorities of the church and bring things in the light. That is the purpose of church discipline. Don't use it as a card or as a threat, just make the decision as the leader of the home (husband), and stand by it.

I know it's hard, but you must pray that God will give you the strength to do the right thing, regardless of how she acts.

In Christ,
Renoncer

 2011/9/15 22:05Profile
ArtB
Member



Joined: 2004/4/27
Posts: 431
New York

 Re:

Aaron, I realize your problem is a real one. There is no easy solutions, and there is a good chance things will not change or get better. And there may not be anything you could do to change the situation you are in.

I strongly recommend that you seek out a good Christian psychologist, who can administer tests that will determine what the roots of the problem between you and your wife actually are. Knowledge and understanding are tools you will need. Perhaps you know a Pastor who is thoroughly trained in Marriage counseling, or who can direct you to such a specialist.

I would think your wife ought to see a good Christian Psychiatrist. I recommend a psychiatrist because her problems may be chemical or physical.

It's good to pray, but action should follow prayer. And above all, do not blame yourself, unless you truly discover otherwise.

I do not think you will get any help on this forum, other than our prayers and some commiseration. We do not know you or your wife. But your problem is not uncommon.

May God Bless you and your wife, and heal your marriage. I pray in Jesus name. Amen


_________________
Arthur Biele

 2011/9/15 23:52Profile
Dellaneice
Member



Joined: 2011/9/15
Posts: 1


 Re: what to do about my marraige

I love the Lord, but my marriage of 7 years is wearing me down. I lost my business, my health went bad, but with much prayer, my health was restored. My husband will not spend time with me, or do anything with me for that matter. Bottom line is that I'm tired. His rejection of me use to anger me in the past, but I have just accepted the fact that my husband doesn't love me. I believe he married me because I was finanically stable I could be wrong, but I don't know what else to think, when I say that I don't feel as if he loves me because of his action, he doesn't deny it, He just listens. With all the disharmony in our lives, I believe the situation we are in now, no money, is a result of division between us. I am willing to do it God's way, but my husband said that he thinks that we should split, but that he has to find an apartment, I'm not working right now, and bills are behind. Please pray for us.

 2011/9/16 0:19Profile
ArtB
Member



Joined: 2004/4/27
Posts: 431
New York

 Re:

by Dellaneice on 2011/9/15 21:19:45

"I love the Lord, but my marriage of 7 years is wearing me down. I lost my business, my health went bad, but with much prayer, my health was restored. My husband will not spend time with me, or do anything with me for that matter. Bottom line is that I'm tired. His rejection of me use to anger me in the past, but I have just accepted the fact that my husband doesn't love me. I believe he married me because I was finanically stable I could be wrong, but I don't know what else to think, when I say that I don't feel as if he loves me because of his action, he doesn't deny it, He just listens. With all the disharmony in our lives, I believe the situation we are in now, no money, is a result of division between us. I am willing to do it God's way, but my husband said that he thinks that we should split, but that he has to find an apartment, I'm not working right now, and bills are behind. Please pray for us."

Methinks someone is pulling the wool over our eyes. Are we being hoodwinked?


_________________
Arthur Biele

 2011/9/16 1:03Profile
mguldner
Member



Joined: 2009/12/4
Posts: 1860
Kansas

 Re:

Brother Art, how do you think or question Dellaneice's testimony? Do you personally know her? Im just saying its mighty hard to judge such a thing especially not knowin the full story and especially reading over the internet. You simply can't make such a judgment.

For any that are struggling with their marriage its rough I know, sometimes my marriage experiences its ups and downs. Something that I have learned is this, It takes two to tango and two hands to make a sound. Meaning if your wife or husband is argumentative refuse to argue on their terms and over the petty things, this requires humility and thick skin at times.

My wife and I went to counceling that was Christian based and it helped out EMMENCELY! We found our biggest problem wasn't each other but 1 a Lack of Communications and 2 Not knowing our emotional hurts of the past and how to avoid triggering those hurts over and over again. A lot of times even in a good Christian home our parents can emotionally hurt us and there is a lack of healing and then we have our spouse unknownly come along and poke the wound or twist the knife thus opening up that can of worms all over again.

Humility and openness go a long way, try and put yourself in the others shoes and see it from their prespective. I remember reading once Men want respect and Women want to be loved, this I somewhat agree with because those two things are what we all need.

Bottomline of it all though is something we sometimes find hard to acknowledge and really come to terms with but its this We need each other, Man and Woman were made to be a team and if you aren't a team player it makes things difficult. I will be praying for both couples as I know where you are because I have been in similar shoes.


_________________
Matthew Guldner

 2011/9/16 2:56Profile









 Re:

Consider for a moment that perhaps God has placed you with this woman to teach YOU. To grow you in patience, understanding, longsuffering, etc.

You are partly at fault because you have not taken the lead in the relationship at the very beginning. Now you have to take the lead from behind. Thats not easy.

If you truly love her sacrificially you WILL win her heart. Give up all you have for her. Lay your life down for her. Take her abuse with a gentle smile. Respond with love, and do not fight. Refuse to fight.

YOU walk with God. YOU do the right thing. She will either begin to change, or she will leave... at which point scripture says that if the unbelieving spouse leave, the believing spouse is free. If her response to your sacrificial laying down of your life for her is to leave... it would be a fair assessment to say that she is not a believer.

And pray pray pray.

If you leave because it's "too hard", then you will be a spineless quitter undeserving of the title of "man". Be a man, stick it out and do the right thing.

Character is doing the right thing as defined by God regardless of the personal cost.

Krispy

 2011/9/16 7:35
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7472
Mississippi

 Re:

Aaron,

Mind if I get real personal here?

My mother was an angry woman. We children felt sorry for dad; I endured a lot of unnecessary grief. It pains me to read of other people's happy childhoods - things parents did with the children for fun. This was not our story.

Still - I am the child and she the parent and scripture teaches us we are to honor or parents - it is not conditional (Hey! this is in the ten commandments!).

Dad died in 2007, four years ago at the age of 80. When he died I was glad for several reasons: one, that he will no longer have to endure mom's criticisms and another that he will not get old and get Alzheimers like some of his brothers did.

Anyhow....

Dad was faithful. We children look at him with an immense amount of respect - not just because he was a dad but because of what he endured, taking it graciously. He was not perfect, not by a long shot, but not many men could endure what he did. He accomplished it only by the mercy and grace of God.

For some time afterwards whenever mom would talk about dad she talked with a lot of venom and anger, about how dumb he was in financial matters, etc...(He left her a wealthy woman.) However, after a while I think she realized there is a LOT of work in running a farm and that it is stressful.

Today. Mom's attitude has changed completely - a total of 180 degrees. She talks nice about dad. She will say things like "I think dad would like that.." She compliments me, praises me - something I never dreamed would ever happen. I can actually do something right! WOW! She is nice! I like to be with her, not just because she is mom but because she is nice!

My point, Aaron, is that dad's faithfulness in face of tremendous difficulty is a wonderful testimony to the mercy and grace of God. And mom did change against all odds against that ever happening. Statistically, it just doesn't, not as old as she is.

Others said you need to pray and that is excellent advice. You said you feel like leaving - no doubt you do. But remember you made that vow to God and you are responsible to uphold that vow - only God can release you from it.

On the practical level look for ways to please her. When my mom had knee replacement surgery, I love to recall how dad would sit in front of her and wrap her leg. Mom loved it and dad loved doing this for her. This is a precious memory - there are very few and this is one of them and it gives me lots of pleasure.

There is no way in the world you can stay faithful to the LORD and her apart from a close walk with HIM. Just know that your LIFE is totally dependent on this closeness. Stay there...

BTW, do you any clue what is fueling her anger? Unconfessed sin will do that. Did she have an abortion? (Sounds like it to me.) Is she a victim of sexual, mental, physical abuse? Immorality at any level? Given the spiritually sensitive nature of a female, these memories will evoke anger unless these things have been laid at the foot of the cross and LEFT there. If she is a victim of abuse or had an abortion she will need counseling by a caring, loving person who can lead her to forgiveness and heal the pain inflicted upon her soul.

God bless. And will pray for you.

ginnyrose


_________________
Sandra Miller

 2011/9/16 9:09Profile





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