what a truly blessed post from you. it was a "broken bread" post, vulnerable, authentic, real.
i dont know your circumstance in life, meaning the temporal world around you, ie, if God forbid, you're getting hammered in your personal life, job, family, but if you allow me, may i go out on a limb here?
i feel that your faith is strong, otherwise you wouldnt have made that second post in such a transparent vulnerable manner. Your faith might FEEL like its flagging, but in the secret place of your heart, you're holding onto the Hem of Jesus, out of sheer desperation, because in the end, we both know, Jesus is Real.
forget about all the side trips man takes on the road of religion, right now, obviously, it's just between you and Jesus. Just like Jacob on the bank Jabbok River, all alone, scared out of his wits, in the deep of night, and who did he wrestle with? He wrestled with Jesus, and said, 'I will not let you go, until you bless me'.
Jesus gave Jacob a new name, Israel, that night on the Jabbok, was holy desperation. forgive my audacity, but thats what you're going thru.
If your faith was truly shipwrecked, you wouldnt even be posting on this forum, because i know you know, in the final analysis, this second, me included, your brothers and sisters are praying for YOU....Jesus is praying for you, and my prayer for you, one i pray for myself is what the disciples prayed, and its one of the most simple:
Increase our Faith!
When you look back on this time in your life, y'know, just being crushed, broken, bended, cant even hear God, and you come out the other end, you will view it as one of the most blessed times in your life.
that sounds strange, doesnt it? You might be thinking, "i'm wandering around in the most desolate place in my life, and this guy is telling me it's a blessed time?
Yeh, i am. Because i been there, and i fully expect to sojourn out into the desolate places again, You know the Book of the Numbers..the Hebrew name for the Book is B'Midbar, translates "in the desert"...or in the desolate place. Did you ever notice, when Jesus had to talk with Our Father God, He always went to the desolate places?
Woke up before dawn, went to the desolate places and prayed? thats in the 1st Chapter of Mark.....or mountainsides....alone. i FULLY believe and am convinced that we recieve the greatest revelations of God's Love, of God's REALNESS, when we are in the desolate places.
Blessed as it is, you have to get FAR FAR AWAY from Jerusalem, because religion kills and Jesus saves, thats why John the Baptizer was on the other side of the Jordan, that beautiful freak, i love him so, he couldnt stand the religiostic stench of the pharisee's, and their pride, and their show of religion, their money making scams and schemes, their self righteous chest pounding.
The abuse he heaped upon them, called them a broood of vipers, and the tragic thing, the neo-pharisees are still with us today, may God have mercy on them, may He annoint their hearts with the Love of Messiah, so i understand your dillusionment with the current state of affairs, but its been like this for a very long time, look at Eli's degenerate "priest" sons, the phony little game they were running at their father Eli's house, so God sent a little man, a little boy named Samuel to set things right.
God created you Codek, for such a moment, and the second you believe like Jeremiah did, "i'm only a child, what can i do?"....God has you RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS YOU, broken, bleeding and battered. That might sound cruel, but He loves you like a Father, and sometimes a Father, whether it be our earthly fathers, or Yahweh, subjects us to loving discipline....and it never feels good when its happening, but even if your clinging by your very fingernails, in desperation to this Most Holy Faith, forget about the dross of man, keep your eyes focused on Jesus, and He WILL NEVER LET YOU GO...Jesus PROMISED that, and in Him there are no lies.
God created you Codek for such a moment, and what moment would that be? i believe with all my heart body mind and soul, in the Holy Spirit, that ONE man, with the Glory of God on him, can spend one hour, two hours...whatever, in heart rending prayer ascending to the Throne, and change the world.
and that man could be you, search your heart,you know i speak the Truth in Christ.
two last things, one, i really wish i could be with you in the person right this second, just silently praying, whatever...talking, praying, crying, laughing, but i'm with you in spirit.
the second thing is, and i beg your leave on this, i know you're probably sick of hearing sermons, but many times in the past, when i found myself pressed, bewildered, hurt...i had stumbled upon a really intense beautiful bit of exhortation from Michael Brown, like me, another Jew who follows Jesus, called "Holy Desperation"....i cant explain in human words, what happened when i listened to this on my knees, in the dark....but trust me, give it a listen, and if led, listen to it on your knees:
i love you brother, i'm with you, more importantly, infinitely more so, Jesus is with you, neil