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Discussion Forum : General Topics : Since Letting Go, Seems Like No One At the Wheel

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Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re:

Quote:
i was determined not to touch this again, but you posted to me, and since you don't have any other way for me to answer you other than here, i thought it would be rude of me not to answer ...


Thank you so much for answering. Where would I be without that awesome dissertation on wrestling with God? That blessed my socks off! You folks are wonderful. Love ya. Dian.

 2004/11/30 17:34Profile
Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re:

Quote:
I had all of these dreams and ideas of what God wanted me to do with my life and everything I was going to do for Him. Then when I got the chance to do it, I felt that I let God down. Now I am as far as I've ever been from "doing something with my life" or doing "great things for God" and I agonized over that for so long.


Hi Phebe. I wanted to say something about this because this is an awesome thing that is happening to you. I, too, had great things I wanted to do for God. Now, I realize the truth. God doesn't need me, he wants me. He didn't choose us to complete himself, he chose us just because he could. I heard a man give this analogy once: He said, his daughter was a youngster and began to take gymnastics about the same time as the olympics were being aired on tv. His daughter would come to him everyday when he got home from work and say, "Daddy, look!" She would proceed to tumble and flip and show him the new things she had learned. He said he would pretend to be all interested, but you know, it's nothing compared to those olympians. He said, that's how we are trying to impress God. We can't impress God. His perfection is so far beyond us, we have nothing to impress him with. He is impressed with us because we are his girls! It's good when we realize God isn't impressed by what we do, he's impressed by whose we are. Love you. Dian.

 2004/11/30 17:44Profile
phebebird
Member



Joined: 2004/11/23
Posts: 91
San Pedro, California

 Re:

Dear Rahman,

I have just got through reading and re-reading your post.

I would first like to apologize for jumping on you about the book. I guess I have had such a history of trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and some self-help scheme only to find out months later that it was useless that I am too touchy about that sort of thing. It sounds like that book was nothing of the sort. I am sorry and will try not to be so jumpy again.

Anyway, my heart is just resounding so much to what you just said. I feel so incredibly broken, crushed, ground to dust by God--like I am just a shadow of what I once was. I used to love the verse about soaring like eagles, but I'm an eagle with broken wings now. If I ever "mount up with wings like eagles" again then it will have to be God. And yet I have this inexplicable, painful yearning for God that I've never had before. It really is like God has wounded me for life, but just so that I would know Him and nothing else.

I wish I could say that I am completely sold out to God, but I'm not yet--not completely anyway. I feel like I'm still wavering on the edge, afraid of jumping off into the ocean of God and yet unable to turn back. I know too much, I love too much to ever go back, but I don't know why I still hold things back from God...

Like Paris Reidhead says, God is not here to make me happy. In fact, He makes me completely miserable a good deal of the time. He has chased me down and broken me to smitherings, yet there is something in me that cries out, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him!" I know at the end of all of this will be a knowledge of Christ and Christ alone that I have never had before. Please pray that I have the faith and trust to go that far.

Phebe

P.S. Dian, I am sorry to be digressing onto my problems in your thread. Thank you so much for sharing, though. It is so difficult to find Christians that really understand these kinds of things...


_________________
Phebe

 2004/12/1 0:47Profile
phebebird
Member



Joined: 2004/11/23
Posts: 91
San Pedro, California

 Re:

Dian,
Thanks for your story. How we must look to God sometimes and yet how much He loves us--Wow! You said, "God isn't impressed by what we do, He's impressed by whose we are." What a reversal of what we are taught in the world. Thank You, Jesus!

Love,

Phebe


_________________
Phebe

 2004/12/1 0:52Profile
Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re:

Quote:
Dian, I am sorry to be digressing onto my problems in your thread. Thank you so much for sharing, though. It is so difficult to find Christians that really understand these kinds of things...


Phebe, I don't think we're digressing here. This thread started with me sharing the "out of control" feeling which I have since surrendering the wheel of my life to God. This is all new to me, too. I don't know why it's difficult to find others who understand these things, but I do. Maybe I'm weird. I will say that the brokeness you are experiencing is a very, very good thing. I know that much. Anytime we are going lower in ourselves, it's taking us the right direction. I've learned that much if I ain't learned nothin else. :-) You hang in there, and I will too. Love you. Dian.

 2004/12/1 9:07Profile
crsschk
Member



Joined: 2003/6/11
Posts: 9192
Santa Clara, CA

 Re:

What a great thread folks...

Been so busy and wanted to reply often but...
Dear Dian, the first post you wrote hit me right where I am and have been for quite some time now. Both of us being 'self-employed'... it's a mirror of my own experience and even with a new job working for an employer it's going to take some time to work through everything.

But I just wanted to encourage you. I know this so well sister, times of just pure perplexity over the how's, what's and whys. My prayers are certainly with you, know that the Lord is working in and through you no matter what the circumstances outwardly and the difficulty inwardly. It's much more than just Christian lingo to assuage our conscious to say these things. It's truth, it really is. Just keep on pressing on sister.

Hope to write more later.


_________________
Mike Balog

 2004/12/1 9:40Profile
Rahman
Member



Joined: 2004/3/24
Posts: 1374


 Re: Since Letting Go, Seems Like No One At the Wheel



Sister Phebe you wrote;

"I have just got through reading and re-reading your post. I would first like to apologize for jumping on you about the book. I guess I have had such a history of trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and some self-help scheme only to find out months later that it was useless that I am too touchy about that sort of thing. It sounds like that book was nothing of the sort. I am sorry and will try not to be so jumpy again".

No problem sis ...

Getting over being jumped on is a piece of cake to a vessel who has been prophesied over as being "tempered by God toward withstanding outright hatred" ... The only importance is that you got the message ... Amen ... Plus the Lord did not have me ignorant that my posting about the unmentionable book would draw flack, i just didn't realize to what degree ... And i totally understand about your being punch drunk about those dime a dozen so called self help books, they've turned off many, thank God that my history has been to only read books that He's provided to me thru others, or He directs me to and i hear the Spirit say, "Get this" ...

There is a dear sister i've known for a long time that our Lord passes reading material thru to me, and when she passes it on i know He's about to say something to me ... Well a while back she gave me two books she said the Lord told her to give me ... "The God Chasers" and "The Purpose Driven Life" (two more controversial books) ... Well "The God Chasers" i devoured hungrily, but "The Purpose Driven Life" about half way thru just gagged me, but i read on, know why?, because i believed that God had something to say to me and i wasn't gonna stop till i heard it ... Well i had to get 3/4's of the way thru that book before God began to explain to me (via the writer) that it was He that orchestrated my being initially indoctrinated by Catholicism, then raised Jehovah's Witness, then brought to Himself in a true salvation experience, all for His future purpose for me ... i finally began to understand that even all the upheaval, turmoil, spiritual darkness, trials, tribulations and questions that stemmed from my being raised in such seemingly religious confliction was all a part of God's plan for my life ... It was like scales fell off my eyes as to the fact that my past is just my short history of God's equiping, and grooming me to some purpose He has in store for me ... Same with you, same with all saints, His degree of intensity in our lives is based on the degree of the intensity of His part for us in His perfect Plan ... We all get a measure of faith to equip us for the faith we need to do the work ... My analogy is that there are loads of land based saints who maintain home and hearth and hold down the fort/church ... Then there are sea faring saints who have a gnawing sensation that they should be doing more and so pass over the uncertainty of the sea to other sides, exploring new possibilities in/for Christ ... And then like Peter there are the water walkers, 1/12 of the folks in the boat, whom God Himself has placed an inescapable desire in their hearts (tho their flesh oft times screams against it) to be able to do exactly as the Lord does ... These folk are fewest, and like Peter oft times enjoy the ectasy of having Christ Church supported by them, but bear the agony of being crucified upside down for such support ...



You continued;
"Anyway, my heart is just resounding so much to what you just said. I feel so incredibly broken, crushed, ground to dust by God--like I am just a shadow of what I once was. I used to love the verse about soaring like eagles, but I'm an eagle with broken wings now. If I ever "mount up with wings like eagles" again then it will have to be God. And yet I have this inexplicable, painful yearning for God that I've never had before. It really is like God has wounded me for life, but just so that I would know Him and nothing else".


Halleleujah sis! ... i know it doesn't feel like it, but you're making tremendous progress! ... The Holy Ghost is about to birth another water walker named Phebe!



You continued;
"I wish I could say that I am completely sold out to God, but I'm not yet--not completely anyway. I feel like I'm still wavering on the edge, afraid of jumping off into the ocean of God and yet unable to turn back. I know too much, I love too much to ever go back, but I don't know why I still hold things back from God" ...


Aaaaaaaaaamen! ... How well i remember being at this phase, "knowing to much, loving Him to much to ever go back" ... You said you are "afraid of jumping off into the ocean of God " ... Well number one sis it ain't a jump, it's a decided stepping off "onto" the ocean of God ... You walk the water without benefit of anything else save your faith in the Master, you keep all your senses on
Him and you'll never sink, and if at anytime you falter it's a s simple as crying out, "Lord save me", and immediately He'll have you by your hand! ... There's a chapter in the unmentionable book entitled "When You Can't Let Go of Unworthy Suspicions About God's Goodness" ... When you still have any part of you that doubts God, it'll keep any of us wavering on the edge ... The edge is an awful place to be for you have all the promises of God, but you can't recieve them because "a double minded man/woman recieveth nothing from the Lord" ... i know it ain't easy, i've been there, but take it from someone who now knows, "Sister Phebe, just step out of the boat on your faith of the goodness you've already been shown by our Lord" ...


You said;
"I know at the end of all of this will be a knowledge of Christ and Christ alone that I have never had before. Please pray that I have the faith and trust to go that far".


Amen on the "knowledge of Christ you've never had before" ... i've been saved for 26 years now and i'm just now knowing what faith is ... God's peace which surpasses all understanding is my faith in Him ... It's the faith that, like Jesus, allows me to catch a sound 40 winks while all about me is the tempest tossed storm of a raging sea ... After reading
the unmentionable book the Lord brought home four quick points to me ...

1 - i have nothing to fear, except Him ...
2 - i don't have to get revenge, He will ...
3 - i can get things done because i now have His power ...
4 - i have time, His time ...

i'm praying for you sis (assisting) like a mid-wife at the birth of a fellow water walker ... Amen



 2004/12/3 9:08Profile
phebebird
Member



Joined: 2004/11/23
Posts: 91
San Pedro, California

 Thanks

Hey Rahman,
Thank you. It's unbelievably encouraging to hear you and Dian say that this is all actually progress. God sees things so very differently!

I really got your birth analogy since I'm a labor and delivery nurse. I know that birth is probably not that fun for the baby. They always come out looking so startled and when they start to cry I swear they're thinking "What the heck happened to me? Help!" Then I give them to their mother and they settle right down because they recognize her voice and smell. How can I ever think that it would be any different with God? If I am in confusion and perplexity and darkness, I will surely end up in the loving hands of my Father, soothed by a Voice that I know...

He has been SO good lately. Just in the little things-- like my three-year-old daughter named Cassie. At lunch the other day she started talking about God. I asked her, "Does God ever talk to you, Cassie?"
"Yes" she said.
"What does He say?" I asked.
"Well, actually, He's crying right now," she said.
"Why?" I said, amused.
"Because He wants you."
And with that, she got down to wash her hands and left me sitting, stunned and yearning at the table.
Yes, He does want me. And He's going to have me if it's the last thing I do!!

Phebe

P.S. Don't you think that God wants EVERYONE to be "water-walkers"? How could He not want everyone to draw as near to Him as possible?


_________________
Phebe

 2004/12/3 12:09Profile
Rahman
Member



Joined: 2004/3/24
Posts: 1374


 Re: Thanks



Sister Phebe you wrote;
"Thank you. It's unbelievably encouraging to hear you and Dian say that this is all actually progress. God sees things so very differently"!



You're welcome, but to God be all the glory ... Amen it's all progress, and double amen on God seeing things so differently than we ... That's the Holy Spirits biggest challenge, to get us to seeing/thinking/acting/being in the mind of God, via His transforming us into the image of His beloved Son Jesus Christ ...


You continued;
"I really got your birth analogy since I'm a labor and delivery nurse. I know that birth is probably not that fun for the baby. They always come out looking so startled and when they start to cry I swear they're thinking "What the heck happened to me? Help!"


Praise God, then what's been said about your being birthed a water walker is a confirmation to you ... i once heard this in a song about why babies cry when they come into this world ...

Ever wonder why a little baby cries when it's born? ...
It's because it's soul isn't happy, being born into sin ...
For (at birth) our souls come here a hungering, ready to be spirit again ...

So even as a babe we come here sensing something is very wrong ... i think that under perfection we were all meant to be born even into the natural world spiritually: spirit, soul and flesh ... But instead we come here: flesh/soul and spirit ... spiritually breached ... It takes re-birth thru our faith in Christ as personal Savior to enable the Spirit to empower us the positional correcting to be made aright with the Father, and then however many baths it may take to the transformation of our minds, and the presenting of our flesh as a living sacrifice, to do with as our Lord pleases ...



You continued;
"Then I give them to their mother and they settle right down because they recognize her voice and smell. How can I ever think that it would be any different with God? If I am in confusion and perplexity and darkness, I will surely end up in the loving hands of my Father, soothed by a Voice that I know"...



Amen ... We are redeemed to the Father by His Son, then comforted by THE COMFORTER, God the Holy Ghost ...



You continued;
He has been SO good lately. Just in the little things-- like my three-year-old daughter named Cassie. At lunch the other day she started talking about God. I asked her, "Does God ever talk to you, Cassie?"
"Yes" she said.
"What does He say?" I asked.
"Well, actually, He's crying right now," she said.
"Why?" I said, amused.
"Because He wants you."
And with that, she got down to wash her hands and left me sitting, stunned and yearning at the table.
Yes, He does want me. And He's going to have me if it's the last thing I do!!



Ha! ... ha! ... out of the mouths of babes, and your little girl is so right ... Like Jonah, you'll not be able to escape your assignment ... He's begun a good work in you, and He's determined to finish it! ... i've run from God, and i've wrestled with God, and all it will do is make you very, very tired, if as the old saints say, "He's got His hand on you" ... But i'll tell you what's most poignant about what your little girl said and that being, "He's crying right now"! ... That He is, about His Church, and the reason being that only actual 3 year olds, and a few adults with faith in Him like a three year old, see His tears ... Most distressing! ...



Your final comment;
P.S. Don't you think that God wants EVERYONE to be "water-walkers"? How could He not want everyone to draw as near to Him as possible?



Amen He does, just as assuredly as He wants all to accept His Son, but He knows that's not gonna happen, just as He knew there would only be one out of the twelve as rambunctious as Peter ... It was not by accident that Peter became who he'd become by the time Christ first introduced Himself to him on the shore of the sea of Galilee ... Peter didn't chose Christ, Christ chose Peter, and Jesus had both known, and prepared Peter way before then, Peter was groomed to suit God's need for that particular time, as were the prophets of old ... Same with Jacob, and all the other few saints He groomed thru time to become the exemplary pillars of faith spoken of in the book of Hebrews ...

Think about it, out of all the billions of people who lived during the time of the penning of the entire Bible, precious few are mentioned by name, and they only because God had a pre-ordained special purpose for their lives, some as vessels of mercy, some as vessels of wrath ... Praise Him that to whatever degree of service He's called us to that we're members of the former and not the latter ...

 2004/12/3 13:09Profile
Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re:

Quote:
i finally began to understand that even all the upheaval, turmoil, spiritual darkness, trials, tribulations and questions that stemmed from my being raised in such seemingly religious confliction was all a part of God's plan for my life ... It was like scales fell off my eyes as to the fact that my past is just my short history of God's equiping, and grooming me to some purpose He has in store for me ... Same with you, same with all saints, His degree of intensity in our lives is based on the degree of the intensity of His part for us in His perfect Plan ... We all get a measure of faith to equip us for the faith we need to do the work ... My analogy is that there are loads of land based saints who maintain home and hearth and hold down the fort/church ... Then there are sea faring saints who have a gnawing sensation that they should be doing more and so pass over the uncertainty of the sea to other sides, exploring new possibilities in/for Christ ... And then like Peter there are the water walkers, 1/12 of the folks in the boat, whom God Himself has placed an inescapable desire in their hearts (tho their flesh oft times screams against it) to be able to do exactly as the Lord does ... These folk are fewest, and like Peter oft times enjoy the ectasy of having Christ Church supported by them, but bear the agony of being crucified upside down for such support ...


Hi Rahman. I'm running behind here, in my response to this. Sorry. I've been all over the place lately. Even here at SI. I'm almost distracted in various places, reading through threads, thinking, thinking about what are the core issues. There's a real "stir" taking place in the spirit. Even in my own life. I have issues, problems in life and relationships, the same things everyone is dealing with, whether saved or unsaved. I've come to one conclusion. We don't need to think too much. The only thing we need to know as believers is: What does God think? Our opinions or anyone elses is useless in this world. If we do not align ourselves with God, we are against him.
Quote:
When you still have any part of you that doubts God, it'll keep any of us wavering on the edge ... The edge is an awful place to be for you have all the promises of God, but you can't recieve them because "a double minded man/woman recieveth nothing from the Lord"


This is indeed the true problem. A single mind is what we are after. And a single mind is the mind that has come to agree with God on EVERYTHING. This basically means that I no longer have "a mind of my own." Christ said he came to do the will of his Father and he did only those things which he saw the Father doing. There is one particular thread on SI right now that it is obvious to me that the person who started it is thinking with his own mind. He is trying to prove to everyone else that he is right. Who cares? I don't care if you are the Pope. If you aren't in agreement with God, you are wrong, period.
In John 3:28, John the Baptist is explaining the mission of his ministry to his own disciples. I believe it is actually the definition of the ministry of every believer. He says,"My work is to prepare the way for [Christ] so that everyone will go to him. You yourselves know how plainly I told you that I am not the Messiah. I am here to prepare the way for him-that is all." Then, down in verse 30 he says, "He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less." That just says it all to me.
Several years ago, a group called Out Of The Grey put out a song entitled "Disappear". I would like to post the lyrics here. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I:

Hidden
so well hidden in this picture
why can't I be drawn outside these lines?
Willing
just to vanish in your shadow
What would wear away this thin disguise?
Surrounded by myself I get so tired of me.
But I know, I know what I need

Wish I could disappear inside you
Disappear
Hidden in the way I was intended to be
Closer to you and further from me
I would disappear, I would disappear
disappear

Given,
I've been given so much freedom
Grace abounds and I'm the chief abuser
Living
in a house that I've constructed
out of anything that makes me feel
good and safe and right
but the Consequece of choices so easily fade
there's an empty place I'd eagerly trade

Wish I could disappear inside you
Disappear
Hidden in the way I was intended to be
Closer to you and further from me.
I would disppear, I would disappear,
disappear.

Pulling focus from myself
now it's coming clear
hidden in the way I was intended to be
closer to you and further from me.
I would disappear, I would disappear,
disappear.

Pulling focus from myself
there's got to be somebody else
Coming closer getting near I'll disappear
Pulling focus from myself I've got to see somebody else
Everything is coming clear I'll disappear

This is it. This is how we walk on water, isn't it? Love, Dian.

 2004/12/5 7:21Profile





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