North West England
aparantly this is a true story:
A Sundayschool teacher told her class how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, a child put up her hand and informed the class that while driving one day, her mum looked back and turned into a lamp post :-o
| 2005/12/14 16:07||Profile|
| Re: On the Lighter Side 2|
Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
| 2005/12/15 1:51||Profile|
Los Angeles, California
| 2006/1/4 22:09||Profile|
The local obituary had in the paper the other day that the woman who died had been ill for a while but her health took an upturn.
| 2006/1/5 1:03||Profile|
Los Angeles, California
| 2006/3/24 23:21||Profile|
Oh maaannnnnnnnnnnnn Patrick, whadyago and do now ?
I never saw this thread before. Oh my. God knows if I had seen this last year I would have never taken a three month Sabbatical from my ISP.
Ohhhhhh nooooo, what will I do now ?
You've found my Achilles heel. If you knew how many folders of graphics and smilies and stuff I have, then you'd know my other NUT SIDE.
But now I have to go take another heart pill, cuz here I thought all of this time that Greg didn't have a sense of humor.
Ooooooo, Annie better go hide in a corner and repent now. Ooooo.
I better stay off this one for at least a little while. I may forget myself. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Romans 8:28 again with youse guys. Lord knew when this thread was needed too.
:-D God Bless SI "fer shur" now.
| 2006/3/25 1:29|
| Re: lighter side|
Hi all, got this in an email and had to share.
Noah in 2005
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is theArk?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Arkin my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
| 2006/3/26 9:25||Profile|
| Re: Waydago bro ! thanks :) !|
[b]WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ?[/b]
For the greater good.
It was a historical inevitability.
So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DANGIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
National Security was at stake.
Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
To actualize its potential.
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
It was the logical next step after coming down from
Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
To die. In the rain.
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
Out of custom and habit.
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.
You tell me.
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea:
To prove it could never reach the other side.
So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
To wander lonely as a cloud.
I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily inquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
This chicken's not for turning.
There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.
Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
An die andere Seite zu kommen.
That is not the question.
It crosseth for thee.
It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
To get a better view.
Hey, don't blame me - I swiped it from the 'sick' folks forum :-P .
| 2006/3/29 1:25|
| Re: On the Lighter Side 2|
Return of the Church Bulletins. . .
They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday, there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A Bean Supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck Supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - Prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7:00 p.m., there will be a hymn-singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"
[color=0000FF]One of my coworkers sent me this in an email. I laughed until I cried.[/color] :-P
| 2006/3/31 16:12||Profile|
| Re: On the Lighter Side 2|
It's been a rough year so far for many of us.
Thank you all for this.
| 2008/2/12 20:15|