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 Re: I want to be real

I think about brokenness....and how hard it is to attain it. I think that our souls are like a garden...and often, through prosperity, and the cares and riches of this life..[emotional cares and riches too....] the seed that we once cherished is crusted over....and choked out.

When I look at the life of David, I see this so clearly. A Passion above the sun for His God...and then a descent into depravity......absorbed with the world, the flesh, and even Murder.

In his depraved state...[ more than once..] David begged for God to hold him....and return to matter the cost. "His mercies are new every morning!" How did David know this? Because David needed them every morning...and found them deep in the Heart of an otherwise unattainable Holy God.

Jesus said; "That unless you eat my flesh, and drink my Blood.....You have No life in You!"..What he was saying is that we all must live on Mercy......the only mercy shown.....that awesome Blood shed willingly through the crucified One...

We must learn that there is Nothing...nothing good that dwells within us, EXCEPT His Holy Spirit....and the rest must be cleansed...and that Daily....and through the shed blood counted for us.

"They overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb, the word of their testimony, and they loved NOT their own lives unto DEATH!"

Your testimony was very encouraging to me, and your transparency exposed me....knowing that we are the same sister. I mourn over my hardness....and wicked selfish ways...and often I feel trapped...with no where to go but down. Thanks for that....and I see that there is yet hope....that I would return to my first his grace and mercies alone...Thanks. BT

 2011/4/6 10:44

Joined: 2009/12/8
Posts: 1795


Dear Sister,
This too shall pass and praise God - you will come out on top of it because He will finish the good work He began in you. You are His precious child. We all go through this at times. Psalms is a great place to hang out for a season for me in times like this. In all of us, the only good in any of us is the Lord. Glory to God.

AGAPE Mary Jane AGAPE (God's love to you)!

 2011/4/6 12:30Profile

Joined: 2006/7/31
Posts: 3057


Thank you for your responses. I am overwhelmed by the love and prayers you have shared. I so appreciate the scriptures shared and I am reading and will continue to do so. I am taking to heart all that has been shared here with me. I know one thing, as afraid as I am I do not want this moment to pass until I know without a doubt I am HIS...

Ginnyrose you wrote this:have you told the LORD? It means a total surrender to Him and it is impossible to do it in your own strength. No body can do it alone...


I have cried out to the Lord on this. This time its different though because of what else you wrote, the part about "total surrender". I now see more clearly then I ever have in my life that I have not totally surrendered unto HIM. There's no excuses left, its just me and Jesus and I can't keep on pretending or lying...not even to myself.I have held back, on some level I still want to be in control. I trust that Jesus loves me, and I know in my heart I am so undeserving of HIS love. The thing is I believe Jesus is deserving of so much more then I could ever be or give and yet still I have hurt HIM with my sin. So much of my life has been filled with compromise, or pleasing those around me that I think how can I truly be sold out for Jesus if I still hurt HIM this way with my sin. If I love HIM as I profess then why is it that surrendering to HIM completely is such a fearful thing to me. Why do I care that there "will" be those around me that are angry or hurt by the things I know God is showing me to walk in. If HE is all that matters, as HE should be then why do I continue on in this way?? I'm not questioning Jesus or HIS promises. I know HE is true. I am questioning myself, my profession of love and devotion to HIM. How can they be genuine when I still walk in sin and hurt HIM this way.

Truth is I can play the religious game pretty well, I can say and behave outwardly in the "correct" way but who am I fooling, not Jesus. I just don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want to play church. I so want to live for HIM but a part of me is afraid of what that will really look like. That part wants to hold on and I need Jesus to help me let go. I feel this raging conflict inside of me at this moment. This probably sounds crazy but I don't want to deceive myself into thinking I am saved if I am not. I can think of no greater loss then to face Jesus and have HIM say, "Depart from me I never knew you."


 2011/4/6 13:05Profile

Joined: 2011/3/10
Posts: 40



I say with all compassion that I must caution you to never base your salvation on what others tell you. I once did this but God showed me through the Scriptures that I had never been born again, for I had never had the witness of the Spirit witness to my own spirit that I was His child (Romans 8.16). When God saves you, you don't need someone to tell you. The Bible doesn't show us anything else. This is not to imply that a Christian will never struggle or have to deal with the sin in his life. But I must warn you--don't allow anyone's advice to not worry give you any assurance of salvation. Paul said to examine yourselves; he never said don't worry.

If you will, listen to the testimony of Mrs. Paul Washer at
Her testimony is my testimony and I hear of this happening more and more. Please understand, I'm not saying you're a false convert; I'm only presenting what is possible.

Also, listen to Paul Washer at when you can.

This is something that's a real burden on my heart, as I know what it's like; I struggled for years, never telling anyone, but God did gloriously save me and I can say with gratitude today that now I AM HIS AND HE IS MINE. I would encourage you in this way--do not rest until you know the same. It's God who tells us we're forgiven; anything else is counterfeit. I'm praying for you, MaryJane.

 2011/4/6 14:18Profile

 Re: I want to be real

Hi MaryJane,

I don't want to take away from anything that others have shared which has helped you, and I'm not advocate of compromise either, but your heavenly Father understands you perfectly.

I have found it very difficult to have Christ in my sights, but I know I've been born again and God is my Father. This comes out of my mouth when I'm praying regardless of many other thoughts I've had and could have.

You have shared this thought twice,

I have held back, on some level I still want to be in control.

There is usually a reason for the need to be in control, and it can be a natural response to out-of-control situations in the past. God understands this if that's the truth, and He is not thinking you are wicked for reacting naturally. But, you're right that He wants you to keep yielding to Him, seeking His face, loving His leading and obeying it, and getting alone with Him in prayer to thrash out all the rest. I would recommend owning up to the Lord what you feel about this, and asking Him to release you from ..... (whatever you want to call it) as well as to show you its roots, so that you can let Him heal you or deliver (or both) if there is something lurking beyond your awareness. In principle, God is gentle with His children, and I have found Him lead me a very long way round - because He saw my desire for righteousness - to bring me to an easy place to admit defeat, so that it was just one more step on a journey of being willing to be changed.

It is a myth that people don't have to do any private wrestling with God after they are sure they're born again, as it's only then that the Holy Spirit begins to shine a light on these. It is very much easier to ask Him to do the searching, and to trust Him to challenge you on the thing that HE knows will lead you into the most truth, next. I suspect you have DECIDED to be a Christian, and are going through a lot of normal heart-being-seached-by the Lord.

I have had some royal battles with Him, in which every time I thought I was laying down my life once and for all, only to find I was just as unwilling to comply with His righteousness at the next challenge. However, the more it dawned on me that I was discovering my real state through His love, the more I was determined to let Him deal with me.

In your opening post you said
I read so many of the things people post on here and your faith is so strong and I look at my life and its just not there.

It is very important not to burden yourself with trying to juggle a lot of spiritual balls at the same time - more than you have already committed to the Lord, anyway. There does come a time when you can't keep track of them all, and you enter into a new phase of trusting.

Also, don't be afraid to give hours to waiting on Him for a specific word for your difficult situations. Once you have 'the word' directly from Him to your heart, faith is not a problem. His word, as you hear it, will create faith in you. Just as when we are genuinely convicted of sin, with that conviction comes hope from the eternal blood of the New Covenant, that we can be washed, and move on in new cleanness, not criticising ourselves as failures, but loving Him more for saving us from utter hopelessness.

The more we prove God's faithfulness the harder it becomes to disbelieve it.

 2011/4/6 16:27

Joined: 2006/7/31
Posts: 3057


Dear Brothers and Sisters

Over the last several days I have been praying and searching my heart wanting to know with out any doubts that I am saved and that I belong to the Lord because I have come to see much sin in my life that I have been walking in. After much prayer and just being in the Word I have come to see that Jesus is Lord of my life. I have spent time away, I have spent time getting caught up in the things of this world but HE is still the Lord of my life and has carried me through. I see now because HE has shown me that I have been living apart from HIM and in self. I see that there is much that I must repent of but I also see that my greatest struggle has not been with fear, guilt, or doubt but control over my own life. I see now that as things began happening in my life I took my focus off of Jesus and began looking at situations and events. I began to "work" very hard at getting things done and seeking to make myself feel better in the process instead of trusting and abiding in HIM. For a time I stopped submitting myself unto the Lord daily, living for HIM moment by moment and I realize I was attempting to walk in righteousness by own strength. It happened with such subtlety that I did not even take notice as I began walking more and more in self and away from the Lord. I was attempting to “not live in fear” by willing myself not to be afraid. I was deceiving myself into believing that I could walk by faith and trust if only I tried harder. I was not praying, I was not seeking HIM truly as one does who is dependent but rather as someone who thought she had all the answers and just needed to change my behavior. It is impossible and completely unattainable to live like that. I must walk in HIM daily, submit to HIS will daily, seeking after HIM daily, or I will falter and fail every time. My flesh wants to be in charge, wants to call the shots but there is no life apart from Christ, only complete reliance on HIM will enable me to truly submit and obey as HE has asked me to. I see now I can not depend that I know the answers. Self will deceive me if given the opportunity.

God is so merciful, HE has shown me that I must go to HIM in prayer in “all” things. I can not lean on my own understanding and think that I am “ok” in what I am doing. I must seek HIS will in every situations, for what HE might will for one may not be HIS desire for my life. I can not just assume I know, I must seek HIM until HE has shown me!

In my heart I know on some level I have seen this in the past about myself but now Father is showing me this in such a clear understanding that I finally know I have eyes to see! Knowing that the flesh is weak and that there will be temptation to fall back into sinful patterns I will ask for continued prayer as the Lord leads you dear saints. I also humbly ask that if there is a sister in Christ here who might be willing to allow me to correspond with them for a time as the Lord allows, to help me with accountability. I realize this is not the ideal way to have this kind of fellowship but I am knew to my area and I have not found a church to attend and meet other believers as of yet. I am seeking to do so and that is one of the areas I want to be accountable in also.

Thank you to all those who have come along side me during this time and prayed and shared the words the Lord has given you with me. I am so very grateful.

Lord please continue you to help me know YOU as a person, not just to know of YOU!!! I am so seeing it is all about relationship!!!

God Bless

 2011/4/12 10:56Profile

Joined: 2010/11/20
Posts: 1384


Praise the Lord, MaryJane, for His work in your life. You are expressing what is common to the Christian experience, I think....satan will do anything to get our eyes off of Jesus. We are all different with different personalities and weaknesses, but satan knows how to trip us up. Thank the Lord that He will not let us go, and has already won the victory. I have been praying for you, and will continue to pray that Jesus will keep you close. He will complete the good work that HE began in you.....God bless you!!

 2011/4/12 11:30Profile

Joined: 2011/4/12
Posts: 1


WOW! I just joined and the first post that I read was yours Mary Jane. And what you said of yourself is a mirror image of me. I've been a follower of Christ for 37 years and I still struggle in following the Lord completely.

Reading your post and all of the responses that have been posted gave me a great since of joy and is a great source of encouragement. We are not alone in our walk. Praise the Lord!

Thanks to you Mary Jane and to all of you who have responded to her post. I don't know how much you helped her but you helped me a great deal. What a way to get started on this web site.

In Christ, Your Brother

 2011/4/12 12:51Profile

Joined: 2010/8/24
Posts: 1032



I have been following your post from the beginning, but today my heart was refreshed.

You are on the right path, dear one. Walking with Jesus daily and abiding in Him, fully relying on His strength alone is the only way to have a victorious, and joyful life.

As Luther said, "If we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing."
And Paul, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

God will reward you for your humility to post your struggles by causing many souls to be blessed and encouraged.


 2011/4/12 13:48Profile


Dear Sister MJ

Please stay focussed on Jesus. He is the only one who is perfect. He is the only standard of perfection. None of us are perfect. Only Jesus is. Paul wrote that by his doing you are in Christ Jesus who has become for us wisdom from God. For he is our righteousnrss. holiness, snd redemption. If anyone boast let him boast in thr Lord. My sister tour heart is tender toward him. keep your focus on him and he will bless you. For Jesus is your delight and not man. Keeping you in my prayers. May your joy be in him. Blaine.

 2011/4/19 9:48

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