I had some time to stop by(my mom is improving)and I caught your post here. I know you feel like you blew it but I just wanted to share something with you and hope it will encourage you in Him who matters most.
much love in Him
Commitment is actually a misnomer, in a way. Consecration is an abandonment that comes not from commitment (though commitment is the starting place, because its RIGHT, and Hes RIGHT!). It comes from the loss of FINALLY recognizing our INABILITY and the cessation of striving. We strive because we honor Him. Any less concern for His Ways and Truth and Life and Commands would be careless and foolish and rebellious. And yet, we learn from the total commitment that we are, in fact, unable. What I do I HATE. If we dont HATE our sin and selfishness and pride and materialism, we have no basis to TRULY find a supernatural MESSIAH. Its just religion, up to that point.
The PROCESS of death requires an earnest and passionate commitment, that we, in turn find we are inadequate for. Then, and only then can we be changed from wooden boys like Pinocchio, to Real boys, supernaturally endued with power from on High. There are no shortcuts. Apathy and laziness and presumption that hide behind a doctrine of so-called grace will never get us to Him. Only passionate pursuit to the fullest extent, no compromise can begin the Journey. This then, leads to death to self (if we are WILLING to die to the world and the world to us) as we recognize we cant get there from here. We, for the first time REALLY, recognize we are foolish and inadequate and hopelessly far from the only One that matters. At this point, with pride crushed, hope lost (a hope built upon the wrong foundation that our expert theologies could never have grasped), flesh exposed, and failures rampant we are able to HONESTLY, from the heart call on the Name of the Lordfor REAL LIFE that we THOUGHT we surely already had!
So, how do you begin, since the manifestation of SUPERnatural Life is not within our reach? This LIFE cannot even be SENSED by those that dont have an experience of itthey think what THEY have is the end of the road, and that everyone else is their peer, at best! How can a blind man understand a rainbow, or a deaf man understand an experience of Pacabels Canon? The way Home begins with, according to Jesus in Jn. 5 and 7-8 with obedience, or as you would say, commitment to honor Him in every thought, word, action, priority, relationship, and decision. NOTHING belongs to a doulos, a slave. We are NOT our own. We are bought for a price. Thats the way of the cross. Denying ourselves is the Way to follow Him. Taking up OUR crosses is not an option if we call ourselves His followersChristians. And a dead man doesnt have opinions or rights. Am I right?
A rare few will be willing to accept Gods Ways as Right, without any intention of compromise. In so doing, they are beginning a Journey that will lead to Rivers of Alive water gushing from the inner manthat most people only read about in their Bibles. A FEW folks know and experience the power of an indestructible Life and have tasted the powers of the coming age with weapons of Righteousness in the right hand and the left. Most folks just do bible studies, and attend speeches, good deeds, and staged music. Seldom is LIFE manifested beyond carnal fallen flesh, with religion and good deeds added to make it seem Christian. But Christ-ian has to do with Supernatural ANOINTED LIFE, by the very definition of the Greek word! And certainly the Scriptures and the lives of the men in the Scriptures back this up.
SO. Commitment? The ONLY place to begin the Journey. But not even the means to the end, really. This thing called commitment is only a tutor and schoolmaster that leads us to the Reality... JESUS HIMSELF! Truly, you cant get there from here. But to start, what we CAN be sure of is that if you Love Him, youll obey His commands.
By the way, NEVER believe anyone or hang around anyone that makes excuses and cries foul, FOUL! when an opportunity to repent and obey Him comes along. They are wolves in sheeps clothing, masquerading as angels of light. Get the log out of your own eye, and Thats LEGALISM, and Thats not practical are the fleshly screams of spiritual felons and pretenders and blind guides.
HOWEVER, commitment is only the tool that God uses to show us ourselves, and ultimately to show us His Face in intimacy and power. He LOVES to give good gifts to His childrento those that ask. And yet, Ive been committed to you for three weeks (or three decades!) already, and YOU, GOD, still havent delivered me and given me what I want! This is, of course, a pitiful example of flesh that lives on, and a life that has no room in their heart yet for Jesus to fill them with Himself. God will not transform us (metamorphosis2Cor. 3:16-18) on any timetable of our making. He wont bargain or barter with us. As long as we are holding on to this way of dealing with God, He will not meet us on His Holy Ground.
God is God. If you will, at the Name of Jesus soften your heartallow your knees to buckle at the mere mention of His Name, always turning to Him in good and in bad, in success and in failure, daily laying down your life for His lambs in REAL ways... you will love how it all turns out. In the meantime, if youre a spiritual carrot, be the best carrot Hes ever had. If youre not there (and you should know it!), be His favorite toaster. Just be simple. Be obedient. Be sacrificial, without demands of God or need for recognition or appreciation from men. Just lay it out there, fully abandoned and committed to Him and to obedience and the cross. Leave the rest to Him. He IS the Master Teacher. Hell get us there. For His own Glorys sake.
Hope these seeds will be planted carefully and quietly in your hearts, without fanfare.