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rainydaygirl
Member



Joined: 2008/10/27
Posts: 742


 romance and Valentine Day?

Hey

I was talking with some other sisters this afternoon and the topic turned to this upcoming Valentines day. They were all talking about the big expensive gifts and plans they are expecting from either boyfriend/husband for Valentines day. I was really kind of surprised because although there was not anything really wrong with what they were talking about it all just sounded really worldly and selfish. I don't know if i was just being overly critical or not but it just seems to me as Christians should we be getting caught up in these things? When I started asking what exactly it was they were celebrating one lady told me that her and her husband really just enjoy celebrating their love and each other. She said they always do gifts and plan a romantic night out. Again I am not saying that its wrong just not comfortable with the focus being so much on self. One of the ladies was teasing me and told me I was just a cold fish, with not one romantic bone in my body. It kind of hurt my feelings but I did not say anything, although it has got me wondering if I am wrong about date nights, romance, and how this all fits into my understanding of what Biblical marriage is?

Anyone have any thoughts they want to share?
rdg

After thought I should add that I am married and feel like I have a strong marriage but we do not gush all over each other the way some of our couple friends do..(I wanted to add that when I wrote this I did not mean to imply that couple who do gush all over each other are wrong)

 2010/1/31 17:59Profile
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7463
Mississippi

 Re: romance and Valentine Day?

Quote:
but we do not gush all over each other the way some of our couple friends do..



And why not?

My husband and I are on our 43th year of marriage and we are still romantic...he will buy me roses on valentine's day - how I love that! We do not exchange expensive gifts but I just love it when he gives me a real sweet card and some roses..:-)

Check your PM for more from me - some things are better said in private.

ginnyrose


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Sandra Miller

 2010/1/31 18:24Profile
Compton
Member



Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 2732


 Re: romance and Valentine Day?

Quote:
Again I am not saying that its wrong just not comfortable with the focus being so much on self. One of the ladies was teasing me and told me I was just a cold fish, with not one romantic bone in my body.



Rainday,

I'm sorry to hear you got your feelings hurt, but you did ask for it.

Human feelings and experience, redeemed and sanctified to a state of grace that faintly recalls unspoiled man and woman before the fall, are a divine creation. Such beautiful dimensions of life are a gift from the Creator, not a cursing.


Mike


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Mike Compton

 2010/1/31 18:44Profile
rainydaygirl
Member



Joined: 2008/10/27
Posts: 742


 Re:

Hi
Maybe I did ask for it as you said. I was not trying to be rude or squash anyone's fun, just asking some questions.
Since posting this though I a call from one of the ladies I was talking with and she wanted to know if I wanted her husband to talk with mine about doing more to prove his love for me. I asked her what she meant, she said that she thought maybe I was feeling left out because my husband does not buy me gifts or show his love like the other husbands do. I told her that was not a problem for me and if I gave her that impression that I was sorry, I was just asking questions because of the way they were going on about what they were getting and going to be doing. She ended up telling me that she would pray for me because it was clear my marriage was in real trouble and I did not even know it?? I did not know what to say to her and I still don't. Do others feel this way to that if your not buying gifts, and holding hands, hugging and going out on dates all the time that the marriage is in trouble?

My husband and I have never been romantic, its just not who he is. He has never bought me flowers but he works really hard to provide for us so that when we do have children I can stay home to be with them. We do not go out on date nights as other couples our age but he does come home and not go out hanging out with the boys even though he could if he wanted to. He is not overly demonstrative with his affection in public, but I know if I need him he will be there no matter what. He does tell me he loves me all the time though, even more then I do him. This is really confusing to me right now


love in Him
rdg

Edit: I just wanted to make sure that I was not trying to say that being affectionate with your spouse in public is wrong. I did not say that to these ladies either I was more trying to understand their need to celebrate with expensive gifts and dates to prove ones love in a marriage and why it was so vital that your husband prove his love by buying things for you on Valentines Day.

 2010/1/31 19:14Profile
HeedWatchmen
Member



Joined: 2010/1/25
Posts: 15
Southeastern PA

 Re: romance and Valentine Day?

Rainydaygirl

Please do not let anyone tell you that your marriage is in trouble because you do not do the things that some other couples have chosen to do.

I am also not saying that it is wrong to do some special things from time to time, but everyone today seems to be so caught up in themselves and enjoying the moment. When I read your post to my husband, he immediately opened his Bible to II Timothy 3:1-5 --

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traiters, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God: Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

Today many people are "lovers of their own selves", "trucebreakers", and "lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God". That is what Valentine's Day is, it is a day to have pleasure. Galatians 4:10,11 advises against us "observing days, and months, and times, and years." According to Paul this is a sign of weakness.

God wants us to keep our priorities straight. Is it really necessary to spend a lot of money to tell you spouse that you love him/her? Thirty years ago and earlier couples were not out spending all kinds of money on each other and being affectionate in public. That was when most marriages still lasted a lifetime. Couples didn't need the constant high points in order to stay in love with each other. They were committed and loved each other and that is what mattered.

As far as your friends go, I would give you II Corinthians 10:12:

For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

From what I read from you I believe you have a GREAT marriage. You and your husband seem to have a grasp on what is important in spending time together instead of finding every excuse to do activities away from each other. Don't let anyone tell you that your marriage is in trouble. You will always be much happier if you are able to enjoy each other and show each other your love without spending a lot of money doing so.


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Jamie Schwankl

 2010/1/31 20:16Profile
Compton
Member



Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 2732


 Re:

Hi again Rainyday,

Quote:
a call from one of the ladies I was talking with and she wanted to know if I wanted her husband to talk with mine about doing more to prove his love for me.



You must be in a really close knit church for people to be so familiar with you that they feel free to ask such a thing!

Quote:
Do others feel this way to that if your not buying gifts, and holding hands, hugging and going out on dates all the time that the marriage is in trouble?



I think gifts, practical ones certainly, but pointless one especially, are part of the language some can use to communicate love to one another. Yet it's the love that's important...and so if you and your husband are communicating just fine then there's no problemo!

My wife and I just went to dinner between my first response, and this one. I shared with her the question of this thread, and she reminded me that we might not know the full context for every one's perspective on this question. So true!

I guess my context; the original reason I reacted to your question in a certain way, is that I feel we take it upon ourselves to dissaprove of people too often, and many times this dissaproval is based on style and not substance. It can all lead to needless additional dissapointment with people...and perhaps a contrary disposition!

I did consider whether your question was more one of style or more one of substance. For instance, I know my Libby wants a certain style of expressed love from me...the kind I naturally tend to give anyways. She likes me to be very takative, and to occasionally surprise her with writing my feelings, She also appreciates lot's of undistracted face time like at the resturaunt tonight. She isn't a big fan of expensive gifts because she is sensititve to how such purchases can thwart our family peace and stability. (And I suspect this preference has more to do with living practically with self-employment then any "principle" of non-materialism.)

Well, that's her style I suppose. I also know women who appreciate expensive gifts, and that seems perfectly fine to me as well. Meanwhile, other women see love best when chores are being done! And still others when the man dotes on the children. Quite frankly, I admit I can't really claim to be an expert on this subject!

My point is that I think all these expressions, these dialects, are neither better nor worse then the things your friends were looking forward to.

Blessings,

MC


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Mike Compton

 2010/1/31 21:02Profile
RobertW
Member



Joined: 2004/2/12
Posts: 4636
Independence, Missouri

 Re:

Quote:
My husband and I have never been romantic, its just not who he is. He has never bought me flowers but he works really hard to provide for us so that when we do have children I can stay home to be with them. We do not go out on date nights as other couples our age but he does come home and not go out hanging out with the boys even though he could if he wanted to. He is not overly demonstrative with his affection in public, but I know if I need him he will be there no matter what. He does tell me he loves me all the time though, even more then I do him. This is really confusing to me right now



From the beginning post this all comes off to me as long nosed and condescending. Sometimes I think there is a great danger in trying to be too 'spiritual'. That probably sounds crazy, but seriously, sometimes what I read here on SI seems more to me a knock off of Islam or eastern religion than Christianity. There is nothing sinful or even compromising about being romantic with your spouse. To even imply that it is- is to begrudge the affection of others. Read the Song of Songs. It was given for our learning. Have any of us attained to that level?


Being spiritual has nothing to do with how long your skirt is or whether you wear a suit every Sunday (and I'm all for suits and long dresses for those that wear them). If has nothing to do with looking so sour it's as if someone downed a gallon of lemon juice. Being spiritual for a married couple is to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church. What could be worse than an [i]ascetic marriage[/i]? It becomes a situation where any enjoyment in life or anything of celebration is considered a sin or compromise.

I had not weighed in here except there are many young believers that read these posts. I want to say categorically that it is [u]not a sin to express love to your spouse[/u], but it is a sin to begrudge the love expressed to others. You risk being charged with envy. And that expression depends on the persons involved. To take on the attitude of the opening thread is to risk scandal like you can't imagine. We have to take time to work on our marriages. This is one of the ways the enemy get's a foothold in lives. Men start calling their wife 'the old lady' or acting like it- no one ever tells anyone they love the other- and it becomes a seedbed for the devils lies. I would kiss you goodby dear- but that would be fleshly. No, fleshly will be when that pretty little thang starts showing him some attention that he don't get at home or if that player at the grocery store starts to tell your wife how fine she is.


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Robert Wurtz II

 2010/1/31 21:05Profile
rainydaygirl
Member



Joined: 2008/10/27
Posts: 742


 Re:

Quote:
I had not weighed in here except there are many young believers that read these posts. I want to say categorically that it is not a sin to express love to your spouse, but it is a sin to begrudge the love expressed to others.



_______________________________________________

Honesty I never said that it was sin to express love for your spouse and I was not judging these ladies or anyone here on SI at all. I was asking a few questions because they were discussing spending a lot of money and how it was so important that their husbands prove their love to them by making sure they did all this stuff. I have only been a christian for a few years(not as long as many here I am sure) so I was asking questions because I was wanted to learn from those who are more mature.

Honestly between some of the reactions that I have gotten here and some that I got from those that I know in the real world I was clearly wrong and I am sorry I every asked this stupid question. Truly more sorry then any will ever know.

Please would one of the mods just remove this thread if possible. I really am sorry. Did not mean to offend anyone. I humble ask for anyone who was offended forgiveness.

Very sorry
rdg

 2010/1/31 21:23Profile
RobertW
Member



Joined: 2004/2/12
Posts: 4636
Independence, Missouri

 Re:

Quote:
Please would one of the mods just remove it or if possible. I really am sorry. Did not mean to offend anyone.



It's not necessary. I'm not offended and I doubt if anyone else is either. But what we have to guard against is a dangerous attitude that can eventually destroy us. This may well have been a God-send. As a young Christian I did a lot of really radical things that seemed spiritual. But honestly, it has been at times when I thought I was most spiritual that the enemy came in and nearly destroyed my life. Never take your eye off of your home or assume that the devil is not at work. Never assume that the enemy will not attack. He will attack you in ways you are not prepared to handle; especially as you go into ministry and become a threat to his kingdom.

The danger is also that we don't talk about these things often enough. I have had older Christian holiness preachers sit me down and talk to me about the dangers I am talking about. I thought something was wrong with [i]them[/i] or that they needed revival!

I used to think that a romantic night means sitting and listening to a sermon with the wife. But a wise teacher told me once that he and his wife does not listen to Amazing Grace to their candle light dinner. That was shocking to me! But we have to have wisdom. And sometimes our reactions to what others are doing are a red flag in our own life. As a young Christian let me encourage you to always be vigilant. You will likely change over time. You may not want certain things today- but in time that may change. Don't make boundaries for yourself- either literal or implied- that are unnecessary.


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Robert Wurtz II

 2010/1/31 21:40Profile
Compton
Member



Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 2732


 Re:

No worries here Rainygirl.


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Mike Compton

 2010/1/31 21:56Profile





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