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Discussion Forum : General Topics : Please Help!

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Joined: 2010/1/6
Posts: 17

 Please Help!

Hello brothers and sisters,

I have been a Christian for almost 7 years now. For years I have struggled with anxieties. This is a sin, I know. But I also know I am flesh and that nothing has seized me except that which is common to man. Right after Christ saved I struggled with assurance, simple thoughts would turn into days of tormented anxious doubting. God finally resolved the issue in a simple way of me just trusting Him and through time He has shown me the validity of His Salvation 7 years ago.

I am writing now because I am in a relationship with a dear daughter of Christ. She is very precious to me, and more so to Him. I am struggling greatly with anxieties again over this relationship. One day I feel as though I could marry her that instance, and the next I am drowning in the same world of anxious thoughts of "Do I really love her? Is this Gods will? Did I jump the gun and not pray enough?" etc. Years ago God showed me I had to be content with being single if He wanted me to out of Matthew 19 and I was acceptant of it. However, I did pray about it, a lot and let my request known to God that I would like to be married. I waited and several opportunities came my way to date women that anyone else would have said I am crazy for passing up, and then I met the girl I am dating now. I prayed over the relationship, and was anxious over if this was the direction I needed to go. I decided that sometimes it may just take faith in the darkness. I have been anxious on and off through out about this. I listed to a sermon on anxiety yesterday that helped A TON. But I find myself still struggling with this anxiety. The questions and doubts continue just with new forms and attacks. I care for this girl very much, she is a very precious and dear sister in Christ and the ABSOLUTE LAST THING I want to do is lead her on, and hurt her. I care for her too much to do that to her. So I suppose I am asking opinions and insight on this, also I am asking for prayer. I am not making a move in or out of this until God shows me.

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear back from folks soon.

 2010/1/7 8:45Profile

Joined: 2009/11/11
Posts: 73

 Re: Please Help!

HA sound exactly like me right now brother. Ask anybody on here about me. I've been struggling with this for awhile...and still struggling.

I'm embarrased because there's a dying lost world out there and here I am crying over a woman I love. But God cares.

When I was with her, I was happy but had anxiety. I felt like I stole something and my conscience was bothering me. I kept going back to the word and saying, "Marriage is good, marriage is good!" but to no avail.

I think the problem was that I'm still not made whole with God. I've never fully let myself be loved by God completley and I can't lead that godly woman yet.

So I guess my question, to anybody, can we chose our mate or does God chose for us. And what if God choses someone we don't want? What a struggle. I can't wait to move on from this but how do you let go?

PS - my anxiety came from disobedience. I wasn't supposed to be in that relationship. I pray that God will release her to me when I'm ready. I can't picture my life without her.

 2010/1/7 9:35Profile

Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7431

 Re: Please Help!

Since your anxiety is so intense, I suggest you study the WORD, pray and fast over this issue until you get your answer and are at peace with it. Having said all that, I have heard of couples who experienced anxiety in the week up to the wedding. This sense was fueled by the realization that this will be for LIFE, UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART - that divorce and remarriage is no option - and that could be a lllooonnggg time: do I really want to commit my life to THIS person?

Does God choose the spouse or do you? What if you do it together? would this not be a better option? God is very much interested in ALL facets of the relationship, hence the restrictions given in the Word concerning male/female relationships. He made marriage and all it entailed, that it was for our good pleasure as well as His.

This is what came to my mind after reading this post...Who knows? perhaps as the day unfolds some other insight may come...In any case God is interested in your choice of a mate - do not ever forget that.


Sandra Miller

 2010/1/7 10:13Profile

Joined: 2008/4/7
Posts: 797

 Re: Please Help! - Anxiety

Some thoughts:

Anxiety is a fruit that has a root. Perhaps this is your second major encounter with a sticking-point, the first being anxiety regarding salvation. Thanking God is the first step of faith, and when it comes to salvation or any spiritual victory, thanking is a perfect response/knock-out to doubt (a real precursor to the anxiety you described regarding salvation). Thanking gives evidence of having received something. The work of God is very thorough, going deeper and deeper. I have noticed that many believers have a root sticking-point that leads pretty directly to the old man nature Paul speaks of. He might lead you to ask Him to show you that root and to agree with Him that that too was crucified with Christ.

Some people distinguish between sins of the flesh and then sins of the spirit. Anxiety would fit into the second sort. The longer you hang around in that sort, the closer you come to falling to the other more visible sort.

When it comes to “who is leading,” who “ calls the shots” so to speak, I recommend Faith (that comes from hearing the Word of God), followed by Facts (discerned through faith). Feelings will follow along AFTER Faith and Facts. Its easy to get this backwards: feelings lead in a hunt for “facts” and faith takes the blows in a fall. Led by the feeling of anxiety is not recommended.

My “prayer with thanksgiving”: Thank you God for the work you are doing in Norton330 to grow him up. I trust you know that anxiety is NOT the fear and trembling with which we work out our salvation (Phi. 2: 12-13). Ginnyrose touched on that.

I will pm you a link (and a few questions) that may be helpful although it is a less direct route than revival.

[b]Housekeeping:[/b] You posted this thread twice. Maybe you should fix that referring people to one thread, either "Help" or "Please Help".

Confidence in God

 2010/1/7 11:37Profile

Joined: 2008/10/17
Posts: 113
Notts. England.

 Re: Please Help!

I read your letter this morning but had to come back to you as you have been on my mind all day.
You say you have so many anxieties and know you are sinning this way - which shows that you are also bound up with self condemnation!
Reading between the lines I feel you have issues that are not yet dealt with, and I mean deep emotional and psychological issues that have left their scars on your life.
I want to be honest with you and say that until you deal with this you will appear as the man of Proverbs 'double-minded and unstable in all his ways'
You say at first that God told you to be content with being single then you are 'passing up on women' and now you don't want to hurt the one you are with.
The fact is you are going to hurt her because you do not know what you really want. She probably even suspects there is a problem and is waiting for you to talk to her about it! You have to be honest with her.
You need to ask yourself
Do I fear responsibility and commitment?
Do I fear letting someone get to close?
Do I fear being hurt by someone I love?
Do I have anything to give a relationship?
Can I give love, trust and security?

The fact that you have thoughts of 'Do I love her?' and are having constant anxieties and doubts regarding her shows that you should not be in this relationship - or any relationship for that matter.
You have to sort out your relationship with the Lord and also with yourself, or you will have nothing to offer a relationship and will always be a taker and never a giver and a strain to any relationship.

Can you trust this woman enough to talk with her about your fears and any issues you may have?
can you can work through them together? - if you can't then you are being dishonest with her and it's wrong to be with her.

I feel that until you find peace and security within yourself any woman looking to you as a husband for security, love and commitment for the rest of her life is heading for pain and heartache, and that's even before the problems that come with parenthood start.

I will share a little of myself and that I know what I'm talking about. For all my teenage years I was abused by a deacon and lived under condemnation, wondering why I even bothered to be a Christian because I could never be good or pure enough, yet I always had a child-like faith and lived on Psalm 139.
I have now been married for nearly 24 years.
When I first met my husband he had been saved for only 18 months whereas I have been brought up in a strong Christian family. Unknown to me, when he was converted he told the Lord that he didn't want to mess about with Christian girls as they belonged to Him and asked that the next girl who came his way be his wife!
Six months later I started to attend his Church, dragged along by my sister as I was becoming reclusive after being raped by this deacon. My future husband was the speaker that night and after my sister introduced us we talked about wht he had preached on. For three months we developed a friendship always meeting in company.
After 3 months he asked me on a date, which because of his prayer was a big thing for him!
Unknown to him I sat on that bus going to meet him having such a battle inside because of all my fears, what if he was different on his own and outside of Church?
what if he tried it on with me? yet I didn't want to live as a victim forever in my abuser's shadow and give up on the rest of my life - I was only 20.
I wrestled with the fear of being with him yet as soon as my date met me off the bus all fear left and we had a marvellous time.
After only two weeks of dating he told me of his prayer and said that he was serious about me and as a Christian he didn't want to mess me about - so if I wasn't serious about him then he'd rather end it now, but already he couldn't imagine his life without me in it!
I knew then that I had to be honest with him, as he'd been with me and knew that I had to tell him of what had happened to me. I was now in such fear of losing him as I felt so safe and happy with him.
I cried all that night after telling him thinking that I'd lost him and begging God not to do this to me, I needed him and felt safe with him.
The next day he came around and said that although he was in shock and cut up about what had happened to me, he had sat at his bedroom window praying and felt such a calmness and peace fill him like a calming hand of God on his shoulder.
He reassured me that it wasn't my fault and with much love and support I would open up and flower into a strong woman of God - he then asked me to marry him after only 6 weeks of courtship!I wept!
We knew we were right for each other.
I asked my mother did she think 6 weeks was too soon, to which she replied 'I can't say anything your dad and I also got engaged after 6 weeks and married 8 months later!'
Due to my nan's illness my husband brought our wedding forward and we too were married 8 months after our engagement.
We have had our ups and downs and have two wonderful children now 20 & 21.
Two years ago I came forward and told my Church leadership what had happened to me. This deacon is now in jail for 71/2 years, with further charges awaiting for abusing many others.
I now preach and take bible studies and my husband tells me everyday how loved and special I am and is so proud of who I am.
I have a book of my full testimony being published very soon by CCPAS.

Don't know why I felt I had to tell you that but God knows what is in your heart and at the root of your self condemnatation and anxieties.
Study God's love and who you are in Christ, it will change you.
I do hope you find peace and release from your fears and can move on and live in the joy and fulfilment of the Lord.

Ceri Elaine

 2010/1/12 14:43Profile

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