What you are feeling is not different that a lot of Christians have felt. It's what you choose to do about it that makes the difference.
Some christians do not like the idea of hell, and so they just twisted a bunch of scriptures around to prove there was no hell, and that in the end God would just save everyone. You could always do that.
I love God, and love his word, yet there has been times when I was reading something in the Word and I would just get so mad at God, and yes it bordered on hate.
I have had some real "talks" with God in my life, and some real anger issues with him. But most of this stemmed from simply not understanding a few things. And thus blaming God for what I perceived to be an injustice on his part.
I wonder how many parents have had their kids tell them "I HATE YOU", because they did not like to be told what to do? This is just in our fleshly human nature in general.
Paul also had the same problem.
Rom 7:7 What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.
I mean you would not be having any of this delima, if it were not for the fact that you had read the Bible, right. This is the same thing Paul is saying. He wouldn't even know he was covetous, if he hadn't read "Thou shalt not covet..". Without a standard, anything our fleshly human body and emotions feel is just the way we are.
8 But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.
Was sin really dead. Were you not sinning just because there wasn't a book around telling you, you were doing something wrong? No, sin was still there, but until you KNOW that what you are doing is SIN, it's basically dead to you.
9 For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died.
10 And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death.
Sounds to me, like this is exactly how you feel.
11 For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me.
I mean this whole thing is just killing you right. You are very distressed over it.
12 Wherefore the law is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good.
Don't you actually feel that way? Love God on the one hand and hate him on the other hand.
13 Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful.
You know I don't know what specific sin you are caught up in? Perhaps you are not in bondage or caught up in any sin. Perhaps you are just a pretty nice guy, that isn't in bondage to pronography, or drugs or sex or booze. Perhaps you don't rail and swear at people, or steal, or any of the number of other things or "sins" people commit.
Perhaps you were just a pretty good guy, that did not have a major sin problem. But now you think that you have to be CONVICTED and feel bad over something you never did to begin with. Or perhaps if you did do some really bad things, and you've confessed them, and been forgiven, then you don't need to FEEL convicted at all.
Is there some big bad horrible thing you've been doing, that you need to be convicted over? If not then DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. God does not want us going around feeling guilty and convicted, unless we have an issue we need to repent of and change our mind on. Then we just confess, and get back in fellowship with him.
Paul then goes on to tell you and I just what state we are in.
14 For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
You and I in this BODY we live in are carnal. This body and brain have a mind of it's own totally outside of and beside who we are. And this is why we often find ourselves in the following situation.
15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
Do you find yourself doing what you don't want to do? That is actually a good state to be in. Better to do what you DO NOT WANT TO DO, than to do the same thing and WANT TO DO IT. Do you kind of see the difference here?
Because when you get to the point where perhaps you are doing what YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO, then you are in the following state.
17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
It's a much bigger problem is you WANT TO DO THESE THINGS. Because when you want to do them, then it's not just sin that dwells in this flesh and blood of ours, but it's OURSELVES desireing to do those things.
I have found myself in this statem many times. And it is a curse and vexation to my soul and spirit.
19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
The propencity to sin, lies dormant within our physical bodies. That is why part of our hope, is that we will get a new body.
Go up on your roof and jump off. What will happen? You will probably break your leg or worse. WHY? Because of a little law called GRAVITY.
Well, living in these bodies, we are also subject to another law.
21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
Why is evil present with all of us? Because it's in our very flesh, of which our brain is a part. So we are called to overcome the flesh, and not to let the sin that is always present with us, reign in our mortal bodies. It is a FIGHT, and it will be a FIGHT till Christ returns.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
Your "mind", is "you". Your "mind" is not your "brain" persay. But your "mind" exists within your brain, and is the real you.
This body and brain is just the vehicle for your "mind", your "person"ality. OR you could say "your spirit" and or soul.
All I know is one thing. That my body and mind have a mind of their own, outside of whatever and whoever I really am, and that if I let them just run on "auto-pilot", I will naturally just walk according to the flesh.
I have to take charge thought the word and will of God, and the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Your flesh, that body and brain, are always going to vex you. And of course we have a personal enemy and many demonic spirits, that are also adept at messing with our minds, and affecting our bodies.
You and I are in a war, against the world, the flesh (this body) and the devil. A lot of people come to Christianity not realizing they are in a REAL WAR. And that this war takes place primarily in your brain.
Be glad and rejoice that you are actually doing what you do not want to do. That is a great step to victory. Be worred if you WANT to hate God, that's when you should worry. Because then it would not just be your flesh giving you problems, it would be YOU, because it would be your real self. Am I making any sense at all here?
Paul goes on to tell you how to battle with this thing.
1 There is therefore now no condemnation (judgment) to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
These are people who have the very same problems we just discussed, but choose to kill off the deeds of their body and brain, by choosing to think what the Word says, even if they don't FEEL like it.
You absolutey cannot base your faith, on emotions and feelings. Feeling do not matter one iota, because they are all attatched to the body. And your body is dead, becasue of the sin that so naturally and easily besets it.
As a Christian you are the true schizo. There are two personalities stuggling to take over and display themselves in you. YOU have to choose Christ, and put down all imaginations and thoughts that exault themselves against he knowledge of him. YOU have to bring your thinking into captivity to Him. This all has to be done by the freedom of your will. And it is a constant struggle.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
Now what is "sin in the flesh"? He told us in the previous chapter. Sin in the flesh is doing what YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO. Why do you do what you do not want to do? Because sin constantluy dwells with you in your mortal body. BUT you learn to overcome and conquer that sin. But it is a BATTLE. Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. But that is why forgivness is available.
It is only when you sin WILLFULLY, that you better be really worried. IF you hate yourself, that is a GOOD THING. Just keep picking yourself back up, everytime you get knocked down. Jesus told Peter that if his bother sinned against him 70 x 7 times a day, and turned and repented he was to forgive him. He will do the same for us, because he knows that sin dwells in this mortal body and it takes us some time, and some battles to overcome. Sometimes you take ground in a war, and sometimes you loose ground in a war. But if you don't give up, Christ will give you the victory in the end.
4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
To be carnally minded is to desire to sin and sin. To be spiritually minded is to desire to do the will of Christ, and put his words in your mind and learn to obey him. BUT though it may be life and peace, it's not the "peace" of the world. It is still a battle we fight constantly. And we can and will blow it on occasion, but will we sin 70 x 7 times a day, and turn and repent? If we do we will be forgiven. But this is not willful sin, but simply sin of the flesh, that is weak. That is why we are told to watch and pray, because the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.
9 But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.
10 And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
Christ in you, is the Words, teacings and sayings of Christ IN your mind. Without that you can never win the battle.
11 But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.
12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.
13 For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
Through the spirit, is through the words of the spirit, the words of Jesus Christ. We learn from him and then we come to agree and follow his commandments and sayings. By doing this we begin to choose life, and resist the thoughts and deeds that our body and brain seem to always want us to do.
14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
Will we let the teachings of Jesus Christ lead us? He said: The WORDS that I speak unto you THEY ARE SPIRIT, and THEY are life. You spoke about having these constant thoughts, you need to keep reading the words of Jesus Christ and replace those thoughts. It will be a battle, because remember you are in a war. The war is for your mind.
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
Have you talked this over with your heavenly father? He knows how you feel and he is of infinate understanding. There is not sin that shocks him not even the temptation to hate him. Ask him to help you, you can pour out your heart to him. He loves you very very much, and he loves your family too. Who's to say that your stand and prayer for them, might not change their lives.
There is a verse, that says "If any man see his brother sin a sin which is not unto death, he can ask and God will give them life.
16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
You are suffering. The word says Jesus was tempted on ALL POINTS JUST AS WE ARE. That means Jesus was tempted to hate God also. You have a savior and Lord who has felt and been tempted with everything you have been. Durring his earthly ministry his own mother and brothers and sisters did not believe in him. How must that have made him feel, knowing that if they did not change, they would go to hell.
18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
19 For the earnest expectation of the creature (creation) waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.
20 For the creature (creation) was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope,
21 Because the creature (creation) itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.
22 For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now.
23 And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.
See what I mean, this body can be a real hinderance to us, because of it's affections, desires and lusts. Just as Paul said in chapter 7.
24 For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
GOD IS FOR YOU!
32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.
34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
Jesus is constantly interviening for you, and praying for you.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
You have all this and more going for you.
Father in the name of Jesus Christ, Please help this man to see how much you love him. Please deliver him from the thoughts that obcess and opress him. Please show him your kindness, and how you love his family even more than he does. And how it is not your will that any should perrish.