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savannah
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 COURTSHIP: 92 QUESTION GUIDE

WISDOM GUIDANCE

God's minimum requirement is that a Christian's marriage partner must be another true believer. But what should spiritually-minded Christians desire in a spouse?

It would be wise, for instance, for a man to select a spouse with whom he could most easily and completely fulfill his unique life purpose (i.e., his peculiar dominion work) and his responsibilities as a husband. This would surely begin with like-mindedness in biblical beliefs and lifestyle convictions. And he would want to choose a woman whose first priority (after God) is the fulfillment of her God-ordained functions as a wife and mother, rather than having a separate occupation or ministry. Now that may sound obvious, but many Christians have come to grief in their marriage because they did not choose wisely, but married rather for romantic reasons.

A woman, observing that Scripture requires her to respect and submit to her husband, should be asking in advance, With what kind of man would submission come easily? In the most general terms, that would be the most spiritually mature person who is willing to marry her. This principle is repeatedly underscored in the Old Testament. In fact, the segment of Proverbs that specifically addresses the issue of selecting a spouse emphasizes spiritual excellence as the primary marriage qualification: An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels (Prov. 31:10). And when Boaz told Ruth he wanted her for a wife, he explained why: for all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence (Ruth 3:11).

In addition to getting wisdom from the Word of God, we are to study outside research just a Nehemiah did when he planned to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem (Neh. 2:11-16). Outside research related to marriage might include such areas as age, finances, employment, education, personality traits, health, hobbies, family background, cultural background and much more. The fewer the potholes in the pathway of adjustment, the smoother will be the journey to marital unity.

What exactly is courtship?

Like the word trinity, the term courtship is not found in the Bible, but the idea surely is. In brief, courtship is the process of investigating (i.e., getting to know) a person with marriage in mind. It is the time period, after spiritual and vocational preparation for marriage has been completed, for evaluating a suitor's inward character, values, beliefs, practices, interests and life purpose to ensure that a godly match occurs. The term courtship is derived from the words court and ship. Court means a trial of law for evaluating evidence; and ship refers to boundaries (such as in the word township, meaning the boundaries of a town). So the term courtship may be used to speak of the boundaries, or the proper approach, for evaluating evidence of a person's true character, just as in a court of law. We see this investigative process in several scriptural marriages (e.g., Isaac and Rebekah, Gen. 24) as well as in various biblical principles, such as 1 Thessalonians 5:21, Examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.

Biblical courtship is rooted in a natural attraction toward another for the purpose of marriage, an attraction based on inward character more than outward beauty and charm. In stark contrast, worldly dating is generally pursued for the purpose of pleasure rather than marriage. In consumer terms, modern dating is equivalent to window shopping, while biblical courtship is shopping with cash in hand, under the direction of an experienced buyer (parents).

Consider again the biblical reasons and responsibilities of marriage: to partner together for dominion, to propagate godly children and to portray Christ's relationship with His bride, the church. Christ-like character in both husband and wife is absolutely essential for achieving these three God-ordained purposes. Without godly character in a spouse, there will be no one-mindedness for dominion, no consistent training of children, and no testimony of Christ in your relationship. In short, you will be an utter failure in realizing God's preplanned design for marriage. That's how important inward character is in the choice of a mate.

So what would be included in the evaluation of a suitor's character and convictions? Here we are looking for direction, not perfection. If a young man or woman is not acceptable in any of these areas, don't dismiss them immediately since they may be teachable, especially if they show a submissive spirit to their parents and elders. Note also that in courtship we are concerned about issues of conviction not preference. A conviction is something you are convinced from the Bible is God-ordered, and that to ignore it would be sin. Thus, to marry someone with different convictions would pose grave problems of compromise or conflict.

compare areas of personal conviction, beginning with one's major theological understanding. A person with liberal leanings will not make a good marriage with someone of conservative beliefs. A Calvinist won't match well with an Arminian, nor will a Reformed with a Dispensationalist. In today's evolving spiritual climate, one must even be sure of their potential spouse's view on creationism (the traditional literal six-day view versus theistic evolution, progressive creationism or framework hypothesis).

Convictions about church life must also be explored for compatibility: issues like denominations, house churches, church organization, role of men and women, significance of baptism and the Lord's Supper, the problem of Sunday school and youth groups (i.e., family-segregation) and Sabbatarianism (what day to worship and how to honor the Lord on that day).

Convictions about family life likewise require one-mindedness. These include intensely personal matters like the roles of husband and wife, view of biblical submission, wife working outside the home, importance of family worship, celebration of sacred days (Christmas, Easter), birth control, number of children, schooling of children, discipline of children (especially use of the rod), relationship to in-laws and friends, abortion, divorce, etc. Don't assume anything - ask!

Convictions about personal life can often bring serious trouble to a marriage. So be sure to investigate beliefs about the sufficiency of Scripture vs. psychology for solving problems, Scripture vs. feelings for discerning God's will, food issues (overeating, nutrition, vegetarianism), dress issues (modesty, gender-distinct, cost, jewelry), recreation issues (sports, movies, TV, rock music), medicine (traditional, alternative), money attitudes (giving, spending, saving, debt, gambling), use of alcohol or tobacco, personal morality (all areas, be specific), civil disobedience, anger or violence, lying or deception, past romantic relationships, past arrests or crimes. Once again, don't assume anything - ask!

Finally, review significant preferences that could be problematic to a marriage. Some individuals, for example, have very strong attitudes about where they want to live - north vs. south, city vs. country, etc. Others have passionate feelings about pets, hygiene, and various other matters.

Biblical courtship isn't simply an option, it's an obligation. Dating is not a moral alternative for any Christian, no matter how corrupt his life or culture has become. God established the courtship approach to marriage as trans-cultural, and thus normative for all christians in all cultures and in all times. So it is our duty as faithful Christians - faithful to God and to our families - to work through the enigmas and impediments that hinder us.

Courtship Questions - the most frequently asked questions:

These questions should be addressed to a potential spouse as well as to his/her character references (parents, church elders, relatives, long-time friends, etc.). They deal with issues of character, conviction, and significant preferences which would likely trouble a marriage. Some of them, of course, can be answered only by the candidate himself; but for completeness I am including them all in a single list.

Your Relationship

1. In what capacity or relationship have you known him? His family?
2. How long have you known him?
3. Would you say you know him well enough to share some observations about his character, personality, strengths and weaknesses?

Spiritual Life

4. Would you describe what you know about his salvation and walk with God?

a. Evidence of salvation. (What makes you believe he is born again?)
b. Theological beliefs. (Does he have any unusual or unorthodox beliefs?)
c. Personal character. (Where is he in character development?)
d. Lifestyle practices. (What do you see in his life that may be inconsistent with Scripture?)
e. Faithfulness in church attendance/participation. (How regular is he?)
f. Prayer and Bible study. (What have you observed in these areas?)
g. Personal witnessing. (Does he share the Gospel faithfully?)
h. Spiritual ministries. (How does he exercise his spiritual gifts?)
i. Spiritual strengths. (What are his one or two areas of greatest strength?)
j. Spiritual weaknesses. (What are his one or two areas of greatest weakness?)

5. Would you describe what you know about his father's salvation and walk with God? (Use the same questions as in Question 4, but now in reference to the father.)

6. Would you describe for me what you know about his mother's salvation and walk with God? (Use the same questions as in Question 4, but now in reference to the mother.)

His Relationships

7. Can you describe his relationship with his father? Is it honoring? Is it obedient?
8. Can you describe his relationship with his mother? Is it honoring? Is it obedient?
9. Can you describe his relationship with his siblings? Is it harmonious?
10. Can you describe his relationship with his grandparents? Is it caring?
11. Can you describe his relationship with his friends? Doe he tend to be peer influenced?
12. Is he consistently faithful in fulfilling his commitments? Explain.
13. Has he shown a regular willingness to serve others? In what ways?
14. In what ways is self-centeredness expressed in his life?
15. How does he relate to authority in his life?
16. In what ways is he ever controlling or manipulative of others?
17. Have you ever seen or heard of him being unkind to others?
18. What kinds of situations cause him frustration? How does he respond?
19. What circumstances might make him impatient or angry? How does he handle them?
20. As far as you know, has he ever been violent (or even yelling)?
21. How does he deal with a broken relationship? Does he have any now that you know of?

Personal Habits Affecting Marriage

22. What is his practice regarding eating/food? Is his eating disciplined in choosing what to eat and how much? Do you know of any food oddities?
23. What is his practice regarding money? What are his habits regarding spending and giving? Do you think he would be controlling with money?
24. What is his discipline toward possessions? Is he very orderly? Does he ever seem materialistic?
25. What are his habits regarding work? Does he have a high standard of excellence? Does he ever tend to be slothful or a workaholic?
26. What is his discipline in studying? Does he read regularly, and if so, what?
27. What are his habits regarding sleeping? Is he lethargic? Are his sleep habits irregular?
28. What is his discipline with time? Does he follow a regular schedule? Is he productive?
29. What is his practice regarding personal devotions?
30. What is his level of personal cleanliness and hygiene
31. Does he have any personal habits that might annoy others?

Marital Roles

32. What do you know of his beliefs about courtship and betrothal?
33. Does he tend to be more of a leader or follower in life?
34. As far as you can tell, how does he go about making major decisions?
35. In making decisions, what role does God's Word play? Is he selfless in decision making?
36. What is his attitude toward women? Is it respectful? Does he see them as possessions?
37. What is his view on the proper role of a wife? Is she to be his partner/companion or his slave? Is she to work outside the home?
38. What do you know of his views on divorce and remarriage?
37. What do you think he is looking for most in a wife?
39. How well do you think he would provide for a wife and family?
40. How well do you think he would protect his wife and family?
41. How do you think he will relate to his parents (and in-laws) after he is married? Do you see any potential for either rejection or dependency (apron strings)?
42. What has been his prior experience with dating and romance?
43. How does he relate to children? Is he affectionate toward them? Does he become irritated with them or ignore them?
44. What do you know of his views on child training, including corporal punishment?
45. Are you aware of his views on home schooling?
46. When he fails, does he accept personal responsibility, repent, ask forgiveness, and change?
47. Does he ever slant the truth for his own benefit?
48. In what ways do you think he may need to grow before marriage?

Moral Standards

49. What are his standards of propriety in dress? How does he dress?
50. Have you ever heard or known of any offensive language from him?
51. What are his standards regarding TV, movies, literature, music?
52. Do you think he would ever watch an R-rated movie? PG-rated?
53. Are you aware of any pornography in his past?
54. Are you aware of any alcohol, drugs or tobacco use in his past?
55. Do you know of any financial debts he has?
56. As far as you know, has he ever been in trouble with the law?

Marital Roles

32. What do you know of his beliefs about courtship and betrothal?
33. Does he tend to be more of a leader or follower in life?
34. As far as you can tell, how does he go about making major decisions?
35. In making decisions, what role does God's Word play? Is he selfless in decision making?
36. What is his attitude toward women? Is it respectful? Does he see them as possessions?
37. What is his view on the proper role of a wife? Is she to be his partner/companion or his slave? Is she to work outside the home?
38. What do you know of his views on divorce and remarriage?
37. What do you think he is looking for most in a wife?
39. How well do you think he would provide for a wife and family?
40. How well do you think he would protect his wife and family?
41. How do you think he will relate to his parents (and in-laws) after he is married? Do you see any potential for either rejection or dependency (apron strings)?
42. What has been his prior experience with dating and romance?
43. How does he relate to children? Is he affectionate toward them? Does he become irritated with them or ignore them?
44. What do you know of his views on child training, including corporal punishment?
45. Are you aware of his views on home schooling?
46. When he fails, does he accept personal responsibility, repent, ask forgiveness, and change?
47. Does he ever slant the truth for his own benefit?
48. In what ways do you think he may need to grow before marriage?

Moral Standards

49. What are his standards of propriety in dress? How does he dress?
50. Have you ever heard or known of any offensive language from him?
51. What are his standards regarding TV, movies, literature, music?
52. Do you think he would ever watch an R-rated movie? PG-rated?
53. Are you aware of any pornography in his past?
54. Are you aware of any alcohol, drugs or tobacco use in his past?
55. Do you know of any financial debts he has?
56. As far as you know, has he ever been in trouble with the law?

Miscellaneous

57. What is his attitude toward pets? Love 'em, leave 'em, sleep with 'em?
58. What are his political leanings?
59. What is his general attitude toward civil government?
60. From your observations, what are his interests, hobbies, talents?
61. What do you think he most highly values in life? What next?
62. Have you ever seen or heard of him spending money foolishly?
63. What two or three things does he tend to do in his spare time?
64. As far as you know, does he have any physical or mental disabilities or diseases? Any allergies? Prior or current health problems?
65. When growing up, what temptations or weaknesses did he exhibit?
66. What tendencies does he have toward intolerance, prejudice or racism?
67. What is his involvement in sports? Does he participate, attend games, watch it on TV? To what extent?
68. Recognizing we are all imperfect, in what one or two areas do you think God wants him to improve most?
69. From your experience, does he have a teachable spirit?
70. If your daughter/son were marrying this person, what cautions would you have?

Additional Questions for the Potential Spouse (added to those above):

71. What do you understand to be the Gospel? Please tell me about your salvation and walk with God.
72. What do you understand to be the role of baptism? Lord's Supper?
73. What do you understand to be God's purposes/priorities for the church?
74. What is your view of the Sabbath and the proper use of that day?
75. What is the present day application of the Mosaic Law?
76. What do you see as the man's role in the local church? Your own role?
77. What do you see as your wife's role in local church ministry?
78. How do you view age-segregation in the church (youth groups, Sunday school)?
79. What is your view on the celebration of Sacred Days (Christmas, Easter)?
80. What is your view of house churches?
81. Can you describe your life purpose, i.e., how you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents to serve and glorify God?
82. What role would your wife and children play in your life purpose?
83. What role would your job/career play in your life purpose?
84. What are your income producing (vocational) skills?
85. What is your attitude toward family (home) business?
86. What are your views on birth control and abortion?
87. What is your attitude toward adopting children?
88. What are your thoughts on alternative medicine? Vegetarianism?
89. What is the role of psychology in the life of a Christian?
90. Do you prefer to live in the city, suburbs, town, country, farm, seaside, mountains, desert?
91. Describe a typical week day in your life from start to finish.
92. Describe a typical Saturday in your life from start to finish.

by John Thompson

 2009/8/17 9:42Profile





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