Wow man... I've been there brother. I have prayed many times that God would remove the memory of some of the vile, wretched & putrid things that I have done. As David said, there are days when my sin is always before me. But praise be to the Lord Jesus that He has covered my sins with His blood. I can stand before God clean, but only because of what Jesus did for me... and not by anything I've done.
The heart is desperately wicked. Who can know it?
My brother... meditate on this passage of scripture, written by David after his murderously adulterous heart was exposed by Nathan the prophet:
[i]To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba. Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
[b]Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.[/b] Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall show forth thy praise. For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.[/i]
You are about to go thru a lot of stuff, especially with your wife and family. Brother, she may even leave you. Your kids may forsake you. I pray that they dont, and that God will restore your marriage and family. But even if that doesnt happen... you need to press on with God.
You created this mess. He wont deliver you from it, but He will hold your hand while you walk through it. And on the other side of this you will be a mature and wise man.
Take things one day at a time... and this too shall pass. Time heals. God heals. I think everyone of us here can attest to bottoming out with no where to go but up. And up you will go if you are truly repentant.
| 2008/7/7 9:23|
It's been 2 weeks today that I first came and posted and asked for prayer and what to do.Since that time it seems like yesterday as God has truly converted my wretched heart and I love reading His Word and talking to Him ALL DAY LONG! It's a battle and the devil has attacked my mind a whole lot but God has been there to gently be with me through it all.I've been covered in the Blood of Jesus and the mercy of God came to rescue me from the filth I was in.I haven't told my wife yet and dread doing it. In the last two weeks she's said, "You're the man I've always wanted to marry" and she keeps calling me her "new man".I fear telling her what I've done now that she actually sees her husband as a godly man and we pray together and serve God together and do devotions and everything people are meant to do that I refused to do while I was wicked but I know i must tell her what I've done... and I know I must at the right time and I've asked God when to do that but I don't know when.Please keep all of this in prayer.I know your prayers are heard by God.Thank you
| 2008/7/20 20:30||Profile|
| Re: Restitution|
With others, I continue to pray for you. I know for a fact that God arranges reconciliation, between God and man and between man and man. I, and others here, could give you countless examples of not-possible-to-man arrangements just as His Word shows.
Are you clear about what is it that, exactly, that you must tell her. Be clear on your focus because the heart is desperately wicked. God can search your heart at every turn. Is your focus on God, what He has done for you? Is your focus on yourself, what you have done? Is your focus on your wife either her pain or your desire to be forgiven by her as well as God? Get/keep clean and clear before God, not man
[u]You said[/u]: [i]I need God to break me even more. To take my pride and filth away and change me on the inside[/i]. As God makes the relationship between your [u]specific sins[/u] and your Pride of life, you could help many by sharing that.
Just some thoughts as I prayerfully review this thread. I dearly wish this site had a copy of a text on Restitution Guidelines developed over years of work in Biblical restoration. It helped me greatly to avoid common pitfalls in this area. I will look for a copy and pray about transcribing it. I can think of some reasons not to.
With confidence in God,
| 2008/7/21 13:03||Profile|
You must confess your sin to your wife [i]sometime[/i], but in [i]God's time[/i]. Just be sensitive to his leading in this regard. It will be terribly hard on your wife, unless she already suspects it. So do not be dismayed if she has strong reactions to it. And what would be worst is if she were to find out from another source about your fathering a child with another woman. Be aware of this possibility...it could 'kill' her. Perhaps you may want to solicit the help of a more mature couple to assist you?
Just some thoughts and may God bless you in your growth....
| 2008/7/21 14:43||Profile|
I just want to encourage you to stay in fellowship with other mature brothers and sisters in the Lord. This is very important and maybe even neccesary. I wouldn't want to walk this path alone but God will give you strength in either case. I believe the Lord brought you to this forum for this purpose.I will be praying for you.
Lev 26:8 And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.
Deu 32:30 How should one chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight, except their Rock had sold them, and the LORD had shut them up?
| 2008/7/21 18:27|
hi again everyone.i keep forgetting my passwords so i made a new account with the same username but with the number 3 and this will be my last post since i wanted to update you all and thank you for your prayers because God has heard.i am still going to be under discipline in my church but they will not expose the other female or myself publically and i will soon meet with a small team in the church to deal with these issues. the female is now going to another church and i ask that you pray for her also as i did what was so evil and stole her faith since she was a godly person that i ruined but i know that Jesus can do the work that i can't do and i know he can make this all turn out to his glory.i'm so thankful i'm saved and clean by his blood but at the same time i know the results of my sin and get uptight about all of the details and i have a constant fight not to try to work the things out myself but let God do it.please pray for all of us.the lord laid it on my heart a few days ago to confess my adultery to my wife.he had actually been putting a burden on me to do it for friday i believe but i was afraid so i waited until saturday and told him i would do it but that i was scared.since i confessed to my pastor i have been saved by the lord and walked in that salvation and still do, knowing that it's only by his grace that I am even saved at all.i don't even deserve it.during this time my wife noticed the change and would leave me notes saying things like "i love my new man" and would verbalize it to me during this period.my life really has changed since i confessed sin to my pastor and ultimately God as soon as i confessed to my pastor and i confessed i was a pharisee hypocrite.now the Lord has my life and i do love him and want to change even more than i am changed now.my wife loves the "new me" and i was afraid to tell her what i had done.a wonderful man of God encouraged me in the lord with Scripture and i used the Scripture he gave me to do a short study with my wife this past saturday evening.we opened the Word and read together and then i said "I have to confess that I committed adultery on such-and-such a date and a pregnancy resulted".she was floored and she raised her voice a bit and was crying and was devastated.she went out for a walk and i called a wonderful family member to come to the house and the person did and we waited.my wife returned very upset and said i had ruined her life and our child's life and she took her rings off and said she wanted a divorce and then came out and started hitting my chest for a few seconds and then fell on the floor crying.i began weeping also and confessing the hypocrisy i lived in for so many years and asked her to compare it to now and we talked for a bit and she said she believed the recent three week change was genuine.she said she still wanted a divorce and then said she didn't know what she wanted and then said "we'll try".you have to understand that my wife is a very godly woman.she's not at all like anything you'd see in the world.we were so different.she loves jesus and really does love him.i told her i didn't deserve her to forgive me which i don't and told her all i could ask for was her mercy and and i asked her to be jesus to me like the woman caught in adultery.she agreed she would allow god to work our marriage out.all of our conversation that evening was done through tears as we were both weeping so much.we woke up sunday (i slept on the couch) and we wept that day together but she was determined and said "God has a purpose in this".things were awkward on sunday but better.the Lord gave her a dream about our marriage.she saw a new home (my new walk with God) we had just bought.the inside was beautiful with only minor things needing work while the outside (surface) is what needed the most work.then on monday she seemed quite happy and was now holding me more and cuddling and kissed me.today was amazing as she and i were almost as though nothing had happened (we've been praying together for a about a month now and serving God with each other) from saturday and this evening was just amazing.it was as though we had just met and started seeing each other. an amazing love for one another is present and she's joyful.the pain is there but the healing that has come would most likely take many years for 99% of couples going through this.i know what i have done and it sickens me.she sees me now as pure and a genuine christian and as i type this i can't help but almost weep at this.she sees me as clean before God.my wife and i have fully realized the covenant of marriage and i can't imagine a day without my wife who reminds me so much of Jesus and what he's done for me.thank you for your prayers and please keep praying for us because i know God hears your prayers.
| 2008/8/5 23:28||Profile|
Santa Clara, CA
Dear brother ...
Thank you for this, had not caught it the first time around. My friend it likely may go without saying ... but can I please say ... do not ever forget this, all of it, may it forever keep you humble and thankful. You see dear brother there are some of us in perhaps slightly different circumstances that would rejoice exceedingly for such a similar ... reconciliation. And I do rejoice for you truly, as one seeking a different sort of reconciliation, not of similar circumstance but just of a sheep going astray ...
Treasure it brother and praise God forever for it!
| 2008/8/5 23:44||Profile|
In reading these posts I am so thankful for the mercy and grace of God. We have all had to come to the place in our lives where we cried out to God "O wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this body of death?" The good news is that the Lord has been patiently waiting for us to see that in ourseleves there dwells no good thing, so that we would no longer trust in ourseleves but in Him who is our righteousness.
I don't know how many times that the enemy has told me that it is all over now. That I had comitted the unpardonable sin, and that there was no mercy for me.
All that the Lord is wanting is that we would keep coming to the light. I have learned the lesson that when I sin, I don't run from Jesus, but I run to Him.
We no longer have to live under the bondage of sin, because the Lord has made a complete provision for us to be an overcomer in every area of our life.
I appreciate the maturity of the believers that contributed to the restoration of our brother. The Word exhorts those that are spiritual to restore those that have been overtaken in sin with a spirit of meekness. It is only by the grace of God that we can stand.
In His Love,
| 2008/8/6 10:42||Profile|