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Discussion Forum : General Topics : HELP - Am I still Married????

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melindaj0819
Member



Joined: 2008/4/9
Posts: 4


 Re: HELP - Am I still Married????

Verbally abusive, is that it? On a daily basis I was being called a whore, a slut, my ex-wife is a better lover than you, my ex-wife is a better wife than you... And it did get physical a couple of times minor things. Trust me when I say, I tried to make it work.

In the process of this divorce and going through The Road Adventure (life changing seminar) and the women's bible study I learned that I contributed to his anger, was it ok for him to call me names? NO, but I know that I could have done some things to prevent it.

I just want to be right in the eyes of God!! I want so badly to serve him and be what he has called me to be. If this is holding me back, I want to know! I have prayed about it and continue to pray about it!

Mark and I are taking things slow, but I don't want to rush back into a marriage until I know for sure that Mark has truly given his life to GOD and he is truly serving HIM - not just words, but action. You will know them by their fruits!!

Please pray for us, Mark & Melinda! For GOD's will to be done!

Thanks everyone for your response!


_________________
Ninna

 2008/4/9 16:48Profile
MSeaman
Member



Joined: 2005/4/19
Posts: 772
Michigan

 Re:

Quote:
On a daily basis I was being called a whore, a slut, my ex-wife is a better lover than you, my ex-wife is a better wife than you...



so is this your ex-husband's second marriage?


_________________
Melissa

 2008/4/9 17:01Profile
melindaj0819
Member



Joined: 2008/4/9
Posts: 4


 Re:

Yes, but she cheated on him, he was realeased from that marriage.


_________________
Ninna

 2008/4/9 17:10Profile









 Re:

Quote:
I'm sorry, but this comment does absolutely no good

Well take it from another angle, my Mother was punched, slapped, called stupid, thrown around, dragged by the hair, and I say to Melinda, is that it?? I wasn't putting her down, I was merely making a point that other women have gone thru more hell and survived and they didn't divorce.

Verbal abuse can be just as bad and I know what thats like being called stupid by my Dad and saying I'll never amount to anything. Well, he was wrong, I did amount to something, and I am not stupid. My Mother didn't know who she was after my Dad died, she wasn't even a woman. She had to learn what being a woman was, she was touchy, overly sensitive. She had her own anger issues that needed to be addresssed.

But I don't recant what I said to Melinda, because her response was well worth it. I will be praying for you and Mark, Melinda and thank you for sharing. I am glad to hear that your taking things slow, because my Dad never gave the LORD that opportunity, and he WAS a believer that had carried his anger over from his relationship with his father.

Mark also needs to learn to let go of his ex wife and stop comparing her to you.

 2008/4/9 17:19
HomeFree89
Member



Joined: 2007/1/21
Posts: 797
Indiana

 Re:

Hi,

I'd highly recommend reading the following articles on divorce/remarriage.

[url=http://www.charityministries.org/theremnant/2007/May/theremnant-May2007-covenant.a5w]One Flesh, One Covenant[/url]

[url=http://www.charityministries.org/theremnant/2007/July/theremnant-July2007-one-flesh.a5w]One Flesh, One Covenant p.2[/url]

[url=http://www.charityministries.org/theremnant/theremnant-2008-1Q-exception-clause.a5w]The Exception Clause[/url]

Jordan


_________________
Jordan

 2008/4/9 17:40Profile









 Re:

I will pray for you and Mark, Melinda. I have heard alot stories of some of the things that women go through being married. I could never tell anyone what to do when it comes to staying with your spouse or leaving, it's a hard decision to make. I will say this though, I feel like marriage depending on how bad it is can almost be described as a prison to some. If you feel like the Lord wants you to stay than that is your prison. Christians all over the world are in prison just for being christians but God will reward you for it. Just for some encouragement, God is ultimately in control of this situation. You may have to obey your husband but your husband also has a higher authority over him. I have seen instances where alot of men have died prematurely because they were abusive. There is always a price to pay for abusing your spouse and if you fear God you will think twice before doing it.

Alot of women are going through the very same thing you are. I know this woman who went to a funeral with her husband and her husband decided that he wanted to leave so he just left her there. He treats her like that everyday. She is a God fearing woman though and she is a prayer warrior.

Hopefully though Mark will turn into a God fearing man and you can spend your time being persecuted for being a christian rather than being persecuted for marrying someone who is abusive.


 2008/4/9 19:39









 Re:

I also wanted to tell you about this websight that might bless you, it's called [url=http://www.reviveourhearts.com/]Revive Our Hearts by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.[/url] You may have already heard of it but just in case.There are some very powerful messages here for women and from women who have been through some of the very things you are going through.

 2008/4/9 21:21









 Re: HELP - Am I still Married????


Hi Melinda,

There are a number of very long threads on marriage and divorce, which you could pick your way through, if you want a very full understanding of biblical advice that has been given in a variety of situations.

But really, I decided to post because of this which you said, which didn't appear on the first page of this thread (as far as I can see), and which is extremely relevant, namely

Quote:
my ex-wife is a better lover than you, my ex-wife is a better wife than you...

You married a divorced man?

Don't you think this has a bearing on his situation, and you, being a woman, are not necessarily coming under conviction of the Holy Ghost, but condemnation - the condemnation of legalism?

By 'being a woman' I mean, that you have been created to accommodate the man you marry. Everything in you wants to be conformed to your husband's desire. He, on the other hand, wants the world to accommate him, in particular, his wife. But there are boundaries in the way God has created us, which help to keep us in healthy relationships, and there is His word, which directs us towards health relationships.

I also was married to someone who called me those things, but he was battling with EDITED (at the general request of moderator PaulWest on the next page from this): personality disorders - the results of childhood trauma - end EDIT, and had not been honest with me about his spiritual condition - as I had not been honest with him about mine - although for both of us, there was much we had not recognised was relevant; if a person doesn't recognise their own childhood as truamatic, then every word of preaching about healing is lost on the hearer.


From what you have shared (and please don't feel to have to share stuff on open forum which later you will regret having revealed), your primary concern is to be pleasing to God. Amen.


I can testify that I also grappled with whether my salvation was somehow affected by having divorced, and God had to take me on a very long journey to show me that [u]it isn't[/u]. The crowning moment of this journey, was when He healed me from twelve years of grieving over not having been able to make the marriage work.

I had left in faith towards God, for the sake of my children, and it slowly became apparent their father would never be well enough to fulfil his role safely, while they were still children. Breaking abusive cycles is very important for the next generation, and none of the privations we went through (like a very low food budget), would I exchange for more money in that abusive household.

Now, in the last year, the father of my children has been able to own up in a simple way (for the first time), to many of the things he denied during the decade of our marriage, and since. God gave me what I needed to carry on believing Him. In fact, my relationship with Him became much more real, once I was not looking to a man who was unsubmitted to God, for leadership.


So, I have come to believe there is forgiveness for marrying the wrong person. I do not believe God's definition of marriage includes being abused [i]at all[/i]. I know relationships can have their bad moments, but when the abuse is a lifestyle, no matter what - with hindsight - you could have done differently, the solution to your lone situation now, is repentance. You do not have to return to an abusive marriage. God will wash you clean of all the things you now see as sins, and He will set your feet on a rock, and from this vantage point, you can seek His will.


Certainly, your ex-husband as a Christian has also to go through this same process with regard to his first marriage, and both of you have to refocus your lives on Christ, before you should risk another relationship - even with your ex-husband.

If you are meant to get together again, there is any amount of time for that to become clear to both of you, but while you are both legally unmarried again, this is how you should behave towards each other, and, in the sight of God.


This is getting long... so... another post follows.

 2008/4/10 6:47









 Re: HELP - Am I still Married????



There is a belief amongst some, that the marriage vows are made [i]to God[/i]. As far as I can tell, this idea stems from the confusion brought upon marriage by the Council of Trent (a 16th century Roman Catholic three-year gathering which made pronouncements on many subjects, including eventually, matrimony), which changed it from an arrangement between families into a so-called sacrament. I believe though, that marriage vows are still made [u]between the two people being married[/u], which always was, (in Jewish weddings), [i]in the presence of God[/i].


The Council of Trent is the origin of the false doctrine of [i]perpetual matrimony[/i], where they misinterpret Genesis, even though it's clear they had the whole New Testament, and Jesus clarifies the confusion in Matthew. Then they go on to change 'mystery' in Ephesians 5, to 'sacrament'. There has been much unnecessary pain for many men and women since then; although, I do believe that two people who are right with God can make a marriage passable, and God has made us all to love peace and enjoyment, which can help the process along.


I am not [i][b]for[/i][/b] divorce, but now that you are divorced, you can take as long as you like to work out what to do. The most important thing here is your continuing to sink yourself into the will of God. You are complete in Him.


All the while I'm writing this, I'm aware your ex-husband may think he loves you. But, none of us moves into the renewing of our minds, without some honest introspection in the presence of God, both for healing, and repentance. We have to see what was wrong, before we can be different, and often we can't be different unless we see that difference in others, or, the Lord gives us a glimpse by the Holy Spirit. We all need His word speaking to us all the time, and to be feeding on it in our spirits, in truth.

Mental and physical effort may well be necessary, for Him to believe we are co-operating with Him, but the fact is, unless [u]He[/u] changes us, we are stuck. We are incapable of changing ourselves, at the depth of being which is required. In fact, we need His resurrection life, and that only comes to us when we understand how to be grafted into His death.

Some healing (from one's own sin\s) may happen automatically, but recovering from being sinned against is a separate matter for healing. And, for adults who were traumatised in childhood, this healing is more complex and takes longer (perhaps [i]much[/i] longer), than if the first serious emotional trauma happened in adulthood.

There are some things about the way God made us, that don't change. Beware of Christian myth, which doesn't acknowledge the image of God in man, or, His ability to restore it, but rather focuses on the fallen nature, and constantly asks us to jump through doctrinal hoops to prove we are on the saved side of the fence. God hates that. Redemption is all about the restoration of the soul and the renewing of the mind, through the minstrations of the Holy Spirit.


 2008/4/10 6:50
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7431
Mississippi

 Re:

Quote:
Yes, but she cheated on him, he was released from that marriage.



Was this a covenant marriage? Meaning: was this a first marriage for both of them?

Blessings,
ginnyrose


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Sandra Miller

 2008/4/10 8:43Profile





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