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Discussion Forum : Welcome & Intro : Woman: Submit?Respect? & Man hurtfull Sarcasm`name calling & belittling is ok?

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Good Morning Private Neman,

Hope You're doing well this morning!

I know you will be getting advice all the way from...throw the bumb away, to hang in there.

But, what none of US know, is what is God's will and purpose in this whole matter.

Nothing comes into our lives unless God allows or permits.....that is if you are a Christian. I do believe this. So not to be too hasty to just walk away, you may be walking away from the greatest blessing ever.

I think too, this man sounds like he's come under some spiritual warefare himself, and there is a strong hold over him, not just towards you, but his whole attitude. If he is a christian, and just being carried away by something he doesn't see...yet you do, then to pray for this to let him go is and should be thought of too.

We just don't throw people away, because while we were yet sinners, Christ died for our total uglyness. Even as we grow in the Lord, we have to work through strongholds as well, and those times can be just as ugly, as this war in us between our flesh and spirit go on.

Only the Lord can tell YOU what your part...if any is.

But thank goodness you are not married to this man....!!!

Love in Christ

 2008/2/7 8:29


I complete disagree, Katy. In my counseling I've dealt with issues like this before many many times.

She is not married to him. She is too involved emotionally to be the one to bring him around. For her own safety, and for the safety of her future children, she needs to break this relationship off.

Sorry, but your advice for her not to quit on him is a recipe for disaster in the future.

I'm not saying she cant pray for him to change, but she needs to get away.


I love ya, Katy, [b]but you're wrong[/b] if your not advising her to walk away from this relationship. God is fully capable of brining someone into this man's life, who isnt as emotionally involved, to bring him to his senses.

She is not that person.

Guys like this will lie and manipulate until the cows come home... and there is no way for to know for sure that he is truly changed. If she followed your advice she might find out 2 years AFTER the wedding that the old abusive guy is still there.

I dont know about you, Katy, but I wouldnt want that on my conscience.


 2008/2/7 8:36


Hi Krispy,

Maybe I misunderstood something here.....Is this something that SUDDENLY came over him, after going to some kind of Church?????, or it this the way he has ALWAYS been.

I really hate to bring this up, but there is a counterfeit unholy spirit in many churches masquerading as the Holy Spirit.

I guess that is where I am coming from. People don't SUDDENLY change. And, if he has ALWAYS been like this...then ...well.....Run Forrest Run! And don't look back!!!!!!

If someone has been as close as your best friend, ****and changes****,SUDDENLY there is something terribly wrong.

OH, I sure don't advise any wedding, or even putting up with that at all. So, I think you might have sorry!

No Private....don't do that, marry him I mean!

And no, YOU can't fix him....only the Lord can.

Love in Christ

 2008/2/7 8:53


LOL... ok, Katy. I'm with you.

Let's consider something you said for a second. You are under the impression that this came on suddenly, but I have my doubts.

Surely he didnt treat her bad or call her names when they went on their first date. Thats not exactly how to win a woman's heart.

And I doubt that he suddenly learned to be abusive overnight. I'm not a betting man, but if I were I would bet my house that there were abusive influences when he was growing up.

Before "private" says no, I knew a family when I was growing up that was the model Christian family. Everyone seemed well adjusted and happy. Lo and behold, it came out AFTER the children were out of the house that "daddy", the man of God, was raping his daughters the whole time they were growing up. They had 4 boys and 3 daughters, and all the kids confirmed it. He's now in jail.

So just because no one sees it doesnt mean it isnt happening.

I think there is a family history of abuse, at least emotional and verbal, with this guy.

Of course she didnt see it at the beginning. No one ever does, or they wouldnt get involved.

This church may have enabled him, and helped to bring it out of him.... but I've [b]never[/b] seen an abusive spouse or parent who didnt have something in their history that conditioned them to behave the way they did.

Not once.

Can people change? Absolutely. I was never abusive, but I certainly "used" women sexually. Made all kinds of promises to get them in the sack... and then was gone in the morning. Then I met my wife, and even tho neither of us was saved, she stopped me cold in my tracks. And then we got saved... and I changed even more.

But in this case here, she needs to step away and let him get help from other sources. Otherwise it would be way to easy for him to lie and manipulate her... and eventually put her in a dangerous situation.

Love is blind, which is why she can not be involved with him.

One thing abusers are masters at: [b]manipulation[/b].


 2008/2/7 9:18


One thing abusers are masters at: manipulation.

I agree with that 1000000000% AMEN!

You are so right Krispy......Thank you for your wise council here.

Can people change? Absolutely. I was never abusive, but I certainly "used" women sexually. Made all kinds of promises to get them in the sack... and then was gone in the morning. Then I met my wife, and even tho neither of us was saved, she stopped me cold in my tracks. And then we got saved... and I changed even more.

Maybe it takes a rat to smell a rat :-P ....and I'm sooooo kidding here ( with you) , but I know you know what I mean....

I know I had bad taste in men myself, and have never dated after my divorce, (((umpteen years ago)))....greatly invested on one...and lost, so I know YOU can't change anyone matter what YOU do...they still have a will of their own.

SOOOOO Krispy, thanks for that are absolutely correct. I guess I was just having one of those **If only moment**.

Love ya!!

 2008/2/7 9:39


Maybe it takes a rat to smell a rat ....and I'm sooooo kidding here ( with you) , but I know you know what I mean....

My past does help me to sniff things out sometimes. I've always had a pretty keen sense about people. I've not been fooled by people very often.

A number of times we've had someone come into our life, or our fellowship, and there was something about them that I couldnt quite put my finger on... only to find out later that they were indeed a "rat", as you put it.

My wife does not have that trait. She's getting better, but she is generally a very trusting soul. My personal past, and some of my military training, has taught me to be suspect... I can trust, but it has to be earned. Ya know what I mean?


 2008/2/7 10:04

Joined: 2005/1/14
Posts: 2164


I agree with Krispy. You're not married to him, so I would stop the relationship. If someone treated me like that (male or female) I wouldn't even consider them a true friend, specially not a girl friend or something. Of course I would witness to them and have compassion, but I would distance myself emotionally.

When we become very emotionally involved with someone we tend to look over major faults. I hope that when you said you felt like you were more than married, you were only speaking of an emotional sense and no farther.

He says the woman is suppose to respect,and not ussurp athority!

Please allow me be very blunt. He is NOT your authority. Absolutely, no way. Imagine that Krispy had a daughter (I don't remember if he does or not). What if I told her, "you need to submit to me. You need to stop talking to Mr. X." That would be absolutely absurd. I'm not her husband. Really, this daughter would be under her father. If I were to command obedience from her and claim that I am her authority, I am usurping Kripsy's authority. I'm the rebel in that instance. I'm disrespecting Krispy and his daughter.

It would be much easier if we were all face to face to discuss this with you. That way there would be no way it would come off that we are being incompassionate or anything like that. I really hope you don't take any of the advice in that manner.

May the Lord give you wisdom,


Josh Parsley

 2008/2/7 10:26Profile


I can trust, but it has to be earned. Ya know what I mean?

I do. You have discernment about people, and that does come from seeing and being around different situations in life.

But I do want to say something here. Coming from an abusive home, I do know you carry an awful lot of baggage, and so many gray fuzzy areas. So, if someone is suspect of coming from an abusive life, and carries this on in their own....(((and men do learn from their fathers how to treat women...often treating women that same way)))...How important Fathers are in being that example of Love to their wives. Girls who grow up in these abusive homes usually pick someone in their life that is abusive, because it's familiar.....where as genuine Love is so foreign.

So, to be a little on the compassionate side of life, rather then hang the dog, that person needs role models even as an adult, to show what real love and respect is. So **these people** need LOVE, to see it in action, before they can distinguish the difference.

Just some thoughts.


 2008/2/7 10:32


Trust me when I say he's not the only man on the face of the earth. It's like having a bowl of apples and eating the rotten one!

I am married and I will probably never marry again but if I did I am in no hurry. Their are plenty of godly men out there so don't settle for anything because you are afraid to be alone or for whatever reason.

Look what he's doing to you now, do you want to live the rest of your life that way? You want to marry someone who will pull you up and not tear you down. The safest person to marry is one who loves God more than anything else man or woman.

We all really only have one thing in common in Christ and that is our love for God. That's the truth! One of the only great things about marriage is sharing your love for God with one another. You certaintly aren't going to be doing that with this man.

Occasionally we as christians may stumble and hurt one another but if we love God more than anything else we repent and seek restoration. This man however does not love God and all he is going to do is hurt you time and again. If he loved God and loved you he would seek God's interest and repent of treating you this way. He should be crying out to God for how he is hurting you!

Share your life with someone who loves God and run from this person.

 2008/2/7 10:57

Joined: 2008/1/11
Posts: 375
Minnesota, USA


Hello PrivateNeman,

I'm sorry you're in pain. Know that God is aware of all of it and that He keeps His promise to work all things out for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I'm not a counselor so I won't attempt to counsel you except to say that I hope you are seeking God personally in this matter and not just relying on the advice of people - especially those who don't know you, the man, or your relationship - especially in the absence of being involved in a local body yet.

There is a part of your post that concerns me, though. It cannot go without mentioning. I say this without any cruel intentions. My only intention is Truth. You said:

Not Married. we were actually closer than married. sharing a connection and decerning one another correctly always on the same page.

First of all, you are not "closer than married." That's a lie that says there's something greater than God's design of joining a man and a woman together [i]as one.[/i] You and this man are [i]not[/i] one. You may have a connection but you are not "discerning one another correctly always on the same page." It's very clear by your posts that this is not the case at all. These are emotional statements, not facts.

I'm not saying this to hurt you. Why would I? I don't know you. But you asked for Godly council and Godly council does not mean catering to emotion, but dealing with the truth.

Again, I'm sorry for your pain. I know it's not easy. It's difficult to see objectively when you're in the middle of an emotional issue. My advice is to be sure you are seeking God for yourself in the matter. "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." The amount of time that you spend seeking Him in prayer and through His Word is the extent of the importance of this matter to you and shows if you are seeking God's will in the matter or your own.


 2008/2/7 11:05Profile

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