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Discussion Forum : Miracles that follow the plow : I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought that...

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InTheLight wrote:
Keith Daniel told an interesting story in one of his sermons that I think applies here. He said that when he asked for permission to marry Jenny (I think that is her name) that her father told him to take a close look at Jenny's mom and see if he likes what he saw becuase in 20 years that is exactly what Jenny would be like. I believe from my experience with my own wife that that statement is at least in part true. That is not to discount what the Lord can do in changing the heart of a person but we are very much the product of our parents.

I wish I could remember the name of that sermon, you should listen to it, perhaps someone else here will remember it.

In Christ,


That would be [url=]My Godly Father-in-Law[/url]. Note, there are two parts to this sermon.

 2007/5/5 14:33

Joined: 2005/1/14
Posts: 2164

 Re: I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought tha

STFU- Speak Truth for UNSAVED

:-o I'm glad you told us what your screen name means, because I remember when I was unsaved that "STFU" means something completely different in a secular chatroom/ forum.

Josh Parsley

 2007/5/5 17:01Profile

Joined: 2002/12/11
Posts: 37289
"Pilgrim and Sojourner." - 1 Peter 2:11


You need to listen to these sermons by Denny Kenaston:

[b](Godly Courtship) 01 Godly Courtship (Part 1)[/b]

[b](Godly Courtship) 02 Godly Courtship (Part 2)[/b]

[b](Godly Courtship) 03 Godly Courtship (Part 3)[/b]

[b](Godly Courtship) 04 Testimonies Of Courtship[/b]

[b](Godly Courtship) 05 Godly Courtship - Question & Answer [/b]

[b](Godly Courtship) 06 Marriage, Courtship And Marriage [/b]

SI Moderator - Greg Gordon

 2007/5/5 18:49Profile

Joined: 2007/5/5
Posts: 3


Thankyou Ron... I really appreciate your response... I am only 22 and with so many things in life, jobs career paths, choices choices choices... it can be a bit overwhelming at times. With prayer and great guidance from folks like yourself, I am blessed.


 2007/5/5 23:10Profile

Joined: 2007/2/9
Posts: 640
Southern California


Speak Truth...particularly to her!

If you really love her, you will stick around to see if she is tied by the bellybutton to her family, or not. But only a lot of time, like several years, is likely to show these things. And at your age, that will be very hard, particularly in a long distance relationship.

Oddly, for those that think that women turn out to be like their mothers, the opposite can be true (it was in my case), but your girlfriend seems to be taking after her mom, whom you can't stand when it comes out in your girlfriend. Or maybe you can't stand the whole family. It doesn't matter.

The controlling, emotional manipulation that causes people to walk on eggshells around you, describe my mother to a T. And what that control was about was fear. She was a terrified, insecure person who had to be in control, and manipulate her husband and family, to feel stable.

We tip-toed around her emotions. And yes, she was critical, great at talking and criticizing people behind their backs (sounds like your girlfriend's family, talking about people, and laughing all the way home). I hate to say it, but a critical spirit is very hard to get over.

At 22, it's hard to sort your emotions out from your pheromones. And love hurts so much, and when in love, we can hurt each other even more than we help them.

For your girlfriend, the major test will not be whether she can adapt to you, but can she even stand on her own two feet? Without you, and without family? And then there's that famous band hard for any people to walk away from unless they have heard a big calling from God to do something else.

Oddly, after reading the thread, I wanted to say something encouraging to you, but instead, I seem to be explaining why the others said what they did.

In my family, my brother and I switched gender representatives. I became like my dad, on purpose, and considering the circumstances. My brother inadvertantly became like my mon, even though he hated her!

And at 55, the poor man is still controlling and manipulating in his own blustery way, walking in fear and insecurity although for different reasons, and I don't see anyone but God changing him, and then only if he will accept God.

The question remains. Will you tell her the truth, even if she, being in a suddenly tense situation, freaks out on you? And if she does hear you, can you wait for her to find her own footing? For wives and mothers do have to handle things, and can't leave it all to their husbands when they come home.

And that long distance relationship? They tend to drag out the resolution of the relationship, sadly, because you don't see enough of each other to settle any problems before you marry.

Frankly, the only way I see it working for you is for your girlfriend to move very close to you, get a real life kind of job, and find out who she is. And even then, she's got all those years of training by her mom to overcome.

You know the problems, you've seen all the red flags, but your heart doesn't want to let go.
Tell her the truth, and let her make the decision for you. A real life. A real adulthood. A real, not fantasy-come-true job. And a real relationship. And unfortunately, a real hard look at her family, and herself.

Otherwise, my dear bro, I don't think your troubled friendship will ever turn into a workable relationship and marriage. And even then, you'll still be stuck with her family.

Praying for you,

Forrest Anderson

 2007/5/6 6:21Profile

Joined: 2003/6/11
Posts: 9192
Santa Clara, CA

 Re: I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought tha

I dont think I should have to subject myself to something ...

Why not?

[i]Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not provoked, taketh not account of evil; rejoiceth not in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth with the truth;
beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall be done away; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall be done away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part: but when that which is perfect is come, that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I have put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I have been known. But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love.[/i] 1Co 13:4-13

Will be the dissenting voice and throw out the word of caution. To draw off others experience and put that into the grid work of consideration is one thing, for those experiences to be made case study and application I would take with a very small grain of salt. They are not you or your situation, there is far too much that is not being stated for people here to advise outcomes. The dynamics will aways be changing and if your trust is fully in the Lord, it is to Him I would look for advice more than any other, talking all things even of the good Brethren and their intentions here in serious prayer and not be swayed except by what the Lord intimates to you. Not all applications are transferable. It can be a bit unnerving to wonder at where our faith in the Lord is sometimes.

The reason for saying all this is because experience has continually proven that the Lords way's are not our ways and that means even amongst our own kind. Consider ...

[i]Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.[/i] 1Pe 4:19

If you truly love her, love will overcome all things and you will endure whatever is necessary if that is so. Here is my little tid bit of advice, something I picked up along the way that startled my presuppositions ... It was a seemingly innocuous testimony of sorts given by a woman who was having difficulties with her husband and I seem to recall it was a caller on a Christian radio program or the like. She had been praying earnestly that the Lord would change her husband and somehow it was inverted back onto herself and I forget just how but the emphasis that struck was that she had it all wrong and began to pray ...

"[i]Lord, change [b]me[/b][/i]"

There is enough in your account here that it would be worth taking a long hard look at this and perhaps to make it a prayer of your own. You will be quite surprised at the outcome and what you are capable of 'enduring' right on through life.

Mike Balog

 2007/5/6 10:03Profile

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