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STFU
Member



Joined: 2007/5/5
Posts: 3


 I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought that...

STFU- Speak Truth for UNSAVED (Otherwords- If your pretending to be holier than thou, better to just shut up)

First understand... I am a christian, born again, I Love Jesus, I Love God, we talk often. But im not gonna walk around acting like 21st century Jesus... Because im not, your not, we never will be. There was one Jesus, and it aint me or you.

So. Im seeing a girl, who is a major role in a major band. You probobally know who they are. Now let me tell you, they are mostly made up of family. And when they are in the limelight, and performing, they are holier than holy, I mean, they burp and fart innocense and prayer, they sweat perfection... and everyone smiles and shakes hands with people and signs autograghs. (all the while I might add, passing judgement on people, which is joked about on the ride home) The rest of the time, the adults who manage this motley crew because of their relation to them, are completely out of line in their roles as "Christian Leaders" they have marriages where the man fears the wife, the kids though mostly happy, are sometimes driven to hide out of fear from their... very, very happy one minute unbalanced the next, punishment. Although the band loves eachother, most of the time they cant stand eachother.

Looking from the inside, I see a group of individuals all trying to serve a God, but defeating themselves through much of their behavior with each other. Especially the parents dissapointing performances. I Love my Girl friend, and we very likely have a big future in store. Being that this is a popular band, holding what is basically a family together, even if the glue is fake sometimes... She wavers from wanting to leave, wanting to stay wanting to leave wanting to stay... Well, I want nothing to do with any of them really except her... because when I am around them I just feel like kicking myself in the forehead... So when we decide to marry, I dont think I could handle being close to the band/family at all... While she shouldnt have to leave her family... I dont think I should have to subject myself to something she only wants to be part of half the time anyway. That I want nothing to do with. Is it wrong, that I would expect, upon marriage, to flee the insanity with her leaving them family and record deal all far behind?

I am also concerned, her mother is a very controlling person and often disrespects her father by over riding him on several things, from car use to purchases to discipline... (of which there is very little, and when there is, she doesnt stick to her guns) My GF has many characteristics of her mom, and being that she grew up never knowing if her mom is cuttingly sarcastic to her or joking or angry, she is always on the offensive at any sign... the stress of her family and other relationships often rolls over on me as she will argue with me about anything...

When things are good, they are great, and its usually when she and I are together (Long Distance Relationship) at my parents house away from her environment) I would like to be with her when she is that person... but not the crazy girl she sometimes turns into under any stress... wild like her mom. She needs to understand that marriage with me, is not like marriage with her dad and mom.... I have no respect for her family or band, I will not be asking permission to marry her, because I love her and her only.

Anyways, you dont have to comment, but I feel, about... 2% better now...

 2007/5/5 11:15Profile
KingJimmy
Member



Joined: 2003/5/8
Posts: 4419
Charlotte, NC

 Re: I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought tha

I think you should perhaps talk to a pastor who knows both of you best.

However, with that said it seems like you are seeing enough red flags that are telling you that you should not pursue this relationship any more. Especially since you consider her a wild crazy woman when things get difficult. Your girlfriend is not two people... a sane person then an insane person. She's one person. And if you marry her, you will marry that one person, with the good and the ugly.

The true measure of a person's character is how they act during trials. And marriage is perhaps the ultimate trial. If the person you are considering marriage with cannot consistently get through a trial in a Christ-like manner, then you should plan on a divorce.


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Jimmy H

 2007/5/5 11:42Profile
STFU
Member



Joined: 2007/5/5
Posts: 3


 Re:

Thankyou... Very wise advice... The reason that we are still together is that I do Love her and step forward to meet the occassion when she is upset, particularly over her family matters. The Wild and Crazy is mostly with her family, and when she, on occassion, carries that on to me, she is appologetic. I just worry that in the future... I know many people say, if you want to know what your wife will be like, look at her mom... Well let me tell you, that does not excite me... I hold hope that perhaps she really is a much diff person... I just get scared when I see certain characteristics flare through... I think... what if we do marry, everything is great, then I find out, that she is doing what her mom does... I dont believe in divorce, but to avoid it, I would not want to be like her father... quietly enduring the madness on eggshells.

Quote:

KingJimmy wrote:
I think you should perhaps talk to a pastor who knows both of you best.

However, with that said it seems like you are seeing enough red flags that are telling you that you should not pursue this relationship any more. Especially since you consider her a wild crazy woman when things get difficult. Your girlfriend is not two people... a sane person then an insane person. She's one person. And if you marry her, you will marry that one person, with the good and the ugly.

The true measure of a person's character is how they act during trials. And marriage is perhaps the ultimate trial. If the person you are considering marriage with cannot consistently get through a trial in a Christ-like manner, then you should plan on a divorce.

 2007/5/5 11:52Profile
stantheman
Member



Joined: 2007/5/1
Posts: 16
Adelaide, Australia

 Re: I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought tha

nice screen name, and it sure did it's job well startling me! :)
As crude as it sounds, genesis 2:24-25

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

I think you should copy and paste what you just wrote here, to her.
I'm not married, i don't even have a girlfriend, but i believe that in this sort of relationship - because it says you will become one flesh, you will have to deal with issues such as this together. what better time would it be to do that than now? you don't want to deal with stuff like this by the time you get married.

by the way, we are all called to walk around like 21st century Jesus. Why do you think he said "He will do even greater things than these" in John 14. or the great commission in matthew 28:18 or

John 14:12

12I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

John 14:23

23Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. 24He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

25"All this I have spoken while still with you. 26But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

if i may, i would like to ask you to read the entire chapter of John 14. don't do it if you don't want to.
your brother in Christ,
stan


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Stan

 2007/5/5 11:59Profile
KingJimmy
Member



Joined: 2003/5/8
Posts: 4419
Charlotte, NC

 Re:

Quote:

The Wild and Crazy is mostly with her family,



Consider if and when you get married, you will be part of her family.

Quote:

I know many people say, if you want to know what your wife will be like, look at her mom...



This is generally true. I've seen my older sister become more and more like my mom since she's been married. Not to mention since she's had her own kids!


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Jimmy H

 2007/5/5 12:02Profile
stantheman
Member



Joined: 2007/5/1
Posts: 16
Adelaide, Australia

 Re:

Quote:
If the person you are considering marriage with cannot consistently get through a trial in a Christ-like manner, then you should plan on a divorce.


divorce is not right. You can teach your wife to get through stuff in a Christ like manner, better still you can pray for her so that the Lord will teach her. i know he taught me.
I don't want to pass condemnation or get into a theological debate, but let's not recomend something Jesus didn't.

mark 10:6-9
6"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.'[a] 7'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8and the two will become one flesh.'[c] So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

I don't mean to be a mean bible-bashing type, but that's what it says.


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Stan

 2007/5/5 12:09Profile
KingJimmy
Member



Joined: 2003/5/8
Posts: 4419
Charlotte, NC

 Re:

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not advocating divorce. I don't believe in divorce save for adultery. I'm simply saying that this brother will be setting himself up for one if he's not careful. His marriage would only be one in the technical sense of it.


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Jimmy H

 2007/5/5 12:24Profile
ccchhhrrriiisss
Member



Joined: 2003/11/23
Posts: 4501


 Re: I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought tha

Hello...

I will be praying. It is wise to remember that there are no such things as "super-spiritual" Christians. No matter how well respected a person (including a minister) might be, they are still prone to the same temptations and problems as the rest of us. When a person goes to great lengths to disguise their true fallible humanity, it could be an indication of deep lying pride or even sin. I know that there are Christian leaders who oppose anyone who will not "submit" to their authority. That can be a dangerous situation.

I am glad that the Bible includes the biographies of many "great" individuals -- including all of their strengths AND flaws. We often learn as much from a person's mistakes and flaws as we do from their successes. My dad used to admonish me to "Learn from others' mistakes -- instead of making all of them yourself!"

Like I said, I will be praying. God knows this situation much more clearly than any of us. I pray that He may be glorified through it all. After all, He will still be glorified by everyone in the end.

:-)


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Christopher

 2007/5/5 12:37Profile
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7472
Mississippi

 Re: I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought tha

STFU,

As I read your post, all I could think of is find another girl! Really! Not only will you be marrying the girl, but her family comes in that package. You will have to deal with them later on...all the time. They will not go away. And if your wife gets aggravated at you, she just might side with her family and leave you set, high and dry. So what will your options be? A very lonely man at the least.

Quote:
When things are good, they are great, and its usually when she and I are together (Long Distance Relationship) at my parents house away from her environment) I would like to be with her when she is that person... but not the crazy girl she sometimes turns into under any stress...



Sir, this is all part of the package...you cannot separate it, unfortunately. I personally know of a man who married a lady because she was so charming, fun to be with. He thought it would be nice to be maried to such a girl. Well, they married and she was one big pain to live with, made life very miserable for her DH and children.

Now if the girl would separate from her family, be independant of them for a long time where she could separate herself from their lifestyle, thinking habits, behaviors, perhaps there may be room for reconsideration. Notice I said a long time....unless the girl does this she is on a road to disaster and do not consider yourself as the knight in shining armour waiting to rescue a hapless maiden!

Brother, you are seeing red flags: listen to them! God put them there for a reason!

ginnyrose


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Sandra Miller

 2007/5/5 13:39Profile
InTheLight
Member



Joined: 2003/7/31
Posts: 2739
Phoenix, Arizona USA

 Re: I am dating a girl... in a very well known christian band, at least I thought tha

Keith Daniel told an interesting story in one of his sermons that I think applies here. He said that when he asked for permission to marry Jenny (I think that is her name) that her father told him to take a close look at Jenny's mom and see if he liked what he saw because in 20 years that is exactly what Jenny would be like. I believe from my experience with my own wife that that statement is at least in part true. That is not to discount what the Lord can do in changing the heart of a person but we are very much the product of our parents.

I wish I could remember the name of that sermon, you should listen to it, perhaps someone else here will remember it.

In Christ,

Ron


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Ron Halverson

 2007/5/5 14:14Profile





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