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Discussion Forum : Miracles that follow the plow : Sick of life and losing hope

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Joined: 2007/1/30
Posts: 289

 Sick of life and losing hope

I feel completely incapable of coping with life today. I won't take my own life, but I want to. I just want the pain to stop! The pain of my own disgusting inadequacies. The pain of my flesh chosing to trample the cross and spit in Jesus face. How can He still love me? Yet He does. He has given grace upon grace upon grace. Even at the worst times of my rebelion he has performed miracles for me. On one occasion He created fuel out of thin air, just like He created oil and flower for the widow. On another occasion he caused a two way FM radio transmission to travel OVER mountains clear as if I were in the next room. Why has he done this and still left me to be such a pathetic self absorbed wretch?

I am sick of the body of Christ. The people of God make me sick. The bickering that goes on here makes me sick. Lukewarm worship kills a small part of my heart every Sunday. We sing songs like "When the Spirit of the Lord moves in my heart I will dance like David danced" while rooted to the floor as if glued to it. Apparently the Spirit of the Lord isn't moving in their hearts. David whirled around like a fool for God as the ark was brought back to Jerusalem. Rejoice, and again I say rejoice. The word means to jump up and down and spin around with overwhelming joy. This verse mocks me ad mocks us all. When was the last time you saw anyone 'rejoice'?

I am tired of seeking God. I have tried to put Him first my whole adult life and gotten nowhere. I am the chief of sinners. Paul?? Who was he kidding? I feel like God has failed me. For this is the will of God, to sanctify you completely spirit soul and body. I am at the end of my rope. I have asked to be broken and filled. What I am feeling is shattered beyond recognition. I need to do something to find work or somehow find the motivation to MAKE this real estate career work. I lack the motivation. I am sick of living and wantr to die. How does one manage to go apply for a job when this is the state of ones diseased soul?

I posted a prayer request on the broken heart thread with no response. My life is in shambles. I don't connect well with the pastor of my church so I feel incapable of reaching out to him. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I am trying to hang on and 'pray through'. I am losing the fight. Wil someone please intercede for me?

Doug Fussell

 2007/2/28 11:33Profile

Joined: 2006/3/22
Posts: 963
Wheaton, IL

 Re: Sick of life and losing hope

'God has to break a man to make a man' -Ravi Zacharias.

One of the hard things in life is to recognize our trials as the molding that God is doing with his hands upon our lives. When we are broken like the clay, it is his hands that are at work.

Of course it hurts, there's a little pain in every waking day -but that's how we know we're alive, and thank God that he has given us that!

I have been suicidal myself in the past, so I won't belittle anything that you're going through -it's all real, very real. But God is bigger!

Sometimes we try too hard and God just wants us to rest upon Him and His words. God has given thousands of promises in the bible, all of those are yours to claim!

Of course he's not going to change your relationship with your Pastor overnight, but he will work in your life and the lives of others to meet you in your need.

I will pray for you that you can experience the peace and assurance of Christ's love for you. There is no fear in love, there is no condemnation in Jesus. When God sees us fall his first thought isn't to punish us, it's to pick us up.

Ian Smith

 2007/2/28 11:46Profile

 Re: Sick of life and losing hope

Dear brother John,

A while ago I posted this article by Madame Jeanne Guyon. Please read it and even go to the whole thread and perhaps you will glean some helpful things there.

Have you ever listened to Keith Daniel? I recommend [url=]This sermon, Abide in Me[/url].

I will pray for you, brother.

The Blessedness of Winter
By Madame Jeanne Guyon

I see the season of winter as an excellent example of the transforming work of the Lord in a Christian’s life. When winter comes, the vegetable world, it seems to me, reflects the image of the purifying which God does in order to remove imperfections from the life of one of his children.

As cold comes on the wings of a winter storm, the trees gradually begin to lose their leaves. The green is so changed into a funeral brown; soon the leaves fall away and die. Behold the tree’s appearance now! It looks stripped and desolate. Behold the loss of summer’s beautiful garment. What happens as you look upon that poor tree? You see a revelation.

Under all the beautiful leave there had been all sorts of irregularities and defects. The defects had been invisible because of the beautiful leaves. Now those defects are startlingly revealed! The tree is no longer beautiful in it’s surface appearance. But has the tree actually changed? Not at all. Every thing is exactly as it was before. Everything is as it has always been! It is just that the leaves are no longer there to hide what is real. The beauty of the outward life of the leaves had only hidden what had always been present.

The same is true of you. The same is true of all believers. We can each looks so beautiful…until life disappears! Then, no matter who, the Christian is revealed as full of defects. As the Lord works on you to produce purification, you will appear stripped of all your virtues! But, in the tree, there is life inside; and, as the tree, you are not actually becoming worse, you are simply seeing yourself for what you really are! Know that somewhere deep within the tree of winter there is still the life that produced last spring’s beautiful leaves.

No, the believer’s inmost being has not been deprived of its essential virtue. He has lost no advantages. He has only lost something human, a sense of his own personal goodness, and he has discovered, instead, his utter wretchedness. He has lost the ease of following the Lord. That ease was born more of ignorance of self than anything else.

As with the tree, so with you.

The Christian, now spoiled and naked, appears in his own eyes to be a denuded thing; and those around him see his defects for the first time: defects which were previously veiled, concealed by outward graces.

Sometimes such revelation is so devastating to the pride of a Christian he simply never recovers, and decides to be a Christian on some other level; or gives up following the Lord entirely.

Throughout the long cold winter, the tree certainly appears as the very deadest of all trees in the forest. The tree knows no reality. Here is total destruction, it seems. But the truth lies somewhere else.

That tree is actually undergoing and submitting to a process which preserves its life and strengthens the tree! After all, what does winter do to a tree? It contracts the tree’s exterior. The life deep within is no longer uselessly expended! Its life, rather, is concentrated within the deepest part of the trunk and in the hidden portions of the root. The life is forced deeper and deeper into the inmost part of the tree.

Winter preserves the tree, no matter how dead the tree may appear. Yes, its leaves have fallen away and its true, deformed, state has been exposed; yet the tree has never been more alive than at that time! During the winter, the source and principle of life is more firmly established than at any other season.

In all other seasons, the tree employs the whole force of its life in adorning and beautifying itself. But it does so at the expense of expending its life, taking its very vitality from the roots and the deepest part of the trunk. There must be winter. Winter is necessary for the tree if it is to live, survive and flourish.

Virtue has a way of sinking deep within the Christian, while totally disappearing from the surface, leaving the outward and natural defects in very conspicuous view! If we have eyes to see, then we see that this is beautiful.

Grace operates in your life exactly the same way. God will take away the leaves. Something will cause them to fall. The outward virtue will collapse. He does this that He may strengthen the principle of the virtue. The source of virtue must be built up. Something deep within the soul is still functioning. Somewhere within the spirit the functions that are the highest (in God’s estimation) have never rested. What is going on is exceedingly hidden. It is humble.

What is happing is pure love.

What is going on in the inmost part is absolute abandonment and contempt of self. The inward man is making progress. The soul is venturing forth into the interior. True, it seems that the operations of God are concentrated on the external parts of the believer, and even a moment’s glance reveals that the exterior things are not pleasant to look upon. Yet, in truth, no new defects in the soul have been developed! Only the uncovering of old faults has come about! And, as they are exposed, they are better healed.

If you dare the spiritual pilgrimage, you need to remember in times of calamity, and in times of what appear to be dry spells, and in that time which men will call a spiritual winter: life is there.

If winter comes…
[url=]The Winter of the Soul by Madame Guyon[/url]

 2007/2/28 11:54

Joined: 2006/11/7
Posts: 1178

 Re: k of life and losing hope

Dear Bro. John,

I am praying for you. I am at work so I can't share any further now, but will later.

Sometimes the threads move so fast on this forum that they are off the start page as soon as they are on. I did not see your prayer request, if I had I would have been praying. I will now, this minute, and throughout the day.

Be encouraged and know that people here care.

Phl 4:8 ¶ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

Phl 4:9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.


 2007/2/28 11:57Profile

Joined: 2003/10/15
Posts: 1632

 Re: do not lose heart


Do not lose heart!!!!! Do not give up. Keep pressing on, one step at a time, one day at a time. I have been there too. Just keep going and God WILL be faithful to you. He will bring you out of this pit.

Praying for you, Chanin


 2007/2/28 12:32Profile

Joined: 2003/6/11
Posts: 1519
Santa Cruz California


Brother John,
Even the weakest saint is accepted by Him because of His blood, nit by works of righteousness that we could somehow muster.

Oh brother if only I was with you and could take you in my arms and hug you as Christ would. Do not lose hope, for hope that is seen is not hope brother,and those things whic we see are not really real, but are temporal.

Please read these wonderful hymns brother as they have of refresshed my soul
[url=]Though Troubles Assail[/url]

I Asked The Lord
I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" The Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

"These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."
- John Newton

Please e-mail or pm me if you would like.

patrick heaviside

 2007/2/28 12:41Profile

Joined: 2007/1/30
Posts: 289


I love my wife so much it hurts. When I was a young man I would watch my friends treat their girlfriends with contempt. I promised myself that if I ever found a relationship it would not be that way.

When I met my wife, I prayed that night and asked the Lord if she was 'the one'. This is the only time in my life that I know beyond any doubt that I heard a verbal response from Him. He simply said yes. The ensuing months were amazing. I was given so much grace to simply allow our relationship develop at whatever pace it needed. When I first told her of my love for her she responded by saying that she was in love with another guy. I responded by saying that he must really be a great guy for her to love him so much. That's grace.

Over the years we have remained best friends. Over the years my struggles with my faith have caused a slow erosion in hers. When both of us first got saved we were each delivered from smoking. Somewhere around 1993-4 she decided that she had gained too much weight and that smoking would help her lose it. The erosion of our faith was well under way. I am weak and so began smoking as well. I continue to struggle with it to this day, asking God to set me free once again. For whatever reason, He hasn't yet. I've tried repentant prayer and go a day or two but ultimately fail. As for her she hardened her heart on this issue from the beginning.

As I mentioned in my first post on the broken heart thread, I returned to fellowship last June after a one year absence, but she can't trust me or God anymore and so remains at home Sundays and Wednesday evenings. Since returning to fellowship I have been going through this slow and agonizing process of being broken. This has been at my request.

Part of this process has been financial. I have not earned a penny since leaving my trucking job last July. I became a reak estate agent (oops, that typo seems to fit!) because I needed to need God, if that makes any sense. I can't seem to find the right way to prospect (locating clients). I can't seem to discern His voice and direction. I am at a loss. This all lead to the above post. Right now I have at least calmed down a little though I still am clueless about what to do.

The deepest pain I feel is over how my struggles have impacted my wife. I am of the deepest conviction that obedience to God means ones spouse must be our foremost priority. When I told her I thought she would be better off without me I sincerely thought maybe she would be. As I was despairing of life. In that conversation I told her the only thing I truly want is to be in ministry. That I would be willing to give up everything if it meant being useful to Him. She interpreted this to mean I would give her up in order to attain this goal. What I meant was that I would give up my house, car etc. Her interpretation hurt her deeply.

This burning desire remains in spite of my confrontation with the wretched state of my heart. This desire has overshadowed any motivation I can find to earn a living which I don't see as being godly. In this I feel as though I am just too lazy and am using my spiritual hunger as an excuse. This is why I wanted to let her go.

I am flat out of time, but wanted to add some thoughts to my first post. Thank you your prayers and encouragement. Roniya, the Madam Guyon was beautiful. Knowing the purpose of winter doesn't make going through it much easier, but it does give me reason to keep hanging on tenaciously to that thinthread of hope that remains.

God bless you all.


Doug Fussell

 2007/2/28 13:09Profile

Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 2732


You are in good company brother,

This burning desire remains in spite of my confrontation with the wretched state of my heart.

And also this....

This desire has overshadowed any motivation I can find to earn a living which I don't see as being godly

Brother I am praying for you to find suitable work. Don't believe that there is 'meaninglessness' in any love your wife and that gives meaning, and eternal purpose to whatever provision you put your hand to.

I understand the body of Christ has dissapointed you...but this thread shows you are not as alone as you might suspect! Jesse Penn Lewis, in her book War on the Saints, reminds us that the Spirit...the presence of Jesus, is not our own private unique supply, but is one presence given to be shared in the body of Christ. We can not progress in God without communion in Christ's body.

This is not to dampen you at all...but to encourage you to keep sharing your heart with brothers who are needing to benifit from you...and they also share the same Spirit you have. They can even supply you with something you may lack...maybe even some brothers from this website!

Many of us feel or have felt the overwhelming dispair you have so poignantly described and we are compassionate towards you. As Roaringlamb said so well...we wish we could put our arms around you. Jesus knew who you were when he died for you brother. While you were yet a were part of that joy set before him! When we, in agony, become more aware of the extent of our overwhelming desperation, we also become more aware of the height, and dept and breadth of his love for us.



Mike Compton

 2007/2/28 13:55Profile

Joined: 2003/11/23
Posts: 4344


Brother Doug...

I am praying for you. Please know that you are not alone in your thoughts. Your post reminded me of Keith Green's same thoughts in the book [i]No Compromise[/i]. If you haven't had the chance to read it -- do so! Reading the mental dilemmas that he endured was extremely encouraging!

One of his songs speaks volumes:

[b]Until that Final Day[/b]
by Keith Green

[i]Verse 1[/i]
My flesh is tired of seeking God,
But on my knees I'll stay.
I want to be a pleasing child,
Until that final day.

My mind is full of many thoughts
That clutter and confuse.
But standing firm, I will prevail,
In faith that I'll be used.

Amen! I'm asking once again.
Won't you help me my friend, Lord Jesus.
Holy Lord Spirit, set us free,
From chains we cannot see,
Come release us.

[i]Verse 2[/i]
I wrestle not with flesh and blood,
My fight is with the one,
Who lost the keys of hell and death,
To God's most precious son.

One sleepless night of anguished prayer,
I triumphed over sin.
One battle in the Holy war,
God's promised me to win.

[i]Repeat Chorus[/i]
Amen! I'm asking once again.
Won't you help me my friend, Lord Jesus.
Holy, Lord Spirit, set us free,
From chains we cannot see,
Come release us.

My flesh is tired of seeking God,
But on my knees I'll stay.
I want to be a pleasing child,
Until that final day.



 2007/2/28 13:55Profile

Joined: 2005/11/26
Posts: 496


John, thankyou for sharing your heart with us and allowing us to minister to you.

God is our comfort, He is our healer, He is our refuge in times of trouble. Go, and run to the one that is able to save you from all things. For NOTHING is too big for Him. He can save unto the UTTERMOST.

Remember, He did not leave us as orphans. He is here, among us. Make up your mind to seek Him with your whole heart while it is called TODAY, who knows what tomorrow brings. Look to Him, John. Cryout to Him with your whole heart. It is thru prayer that we obtain grace and mercy for our lives.

Hebrews 4:16
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

communion with God (prayer) will set you free from anxiety, fears.

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 10:4-6

4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 6And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

Romans 12:1-3
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Meditate on His word, prayer and keeping watch will help conform your mind to Christ. This is a spiritual battle and we cannot fight this battle without spiritual weapons. If you are not using your weapons you will not be able to overcome. What are spiritual weapons? prayer, meditation of His word, obedience, faith, the whole armor of God. How do we keep watch? You know the things that hinder you from living the life in God. Get rid of anything that will make you stumble. Do not go to places that you know will weaken you and bring you to deeper temptations that will lead you back to bondage. Do not dwell on things that will fill your heart with wickedness. When you find yourself dwelling on things grievous to God, quickly go and pray. Renew your mind by meditating on His word. God promise us that if we seek Him we will find Him. He is there, but are we coming to Him with our whole heart. The key is to give our whole heart to Him. When God used the prophets of old to encourage Israel, He would always say, if you turn to me with ALL your heart, then I will heal you. In the psalms the psalmist would cry out, with my WHOLE heart I will seek you. A divided heart will not please God. We must come to Him, seeking Him with our whole heart and not just half. A half heart just says I really do not want God's help, still wanting to hold on to some of the world.

Meditating on His word continually will help you to stay in His way.

Josh. 1:8
8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.

Abiding in Him thru prayer and watching will help you overcome diffulculties.

Luke 21:34-36

34And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.

35For as a snare shall it come on all them that dwell on the face of the whole earth.

36Watch ye therefore, and pray always, that ye may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that shall come to pass, and to stand before the Son of man.

Mark 14:38
Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak.

Will keep prayer for your soul,



 2007/2/28 13:58Profile

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