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Discussion Forum : Miracles that follow the plow : A broken heart

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 Re: a broken heart

Quote:

John173 wrote:
Dear Saints,

I must skip the personal replies to all this for the moment. I have been shown a deep root to my difficulties with my walk and wanted to share it as it seems many of us are going through similar dealings.

I am angry with the Lord! This morning I had to forgive Him. This is a very strange concept, as forgiveness is what we must do when we are sinned against, and God cannot sin. However, forgiveness is more a matter of our perception of anothers actions toward us. It is the method we must use to remove bitterness. Forgive us our debts as we forgive those who are indebted to us. This connotes a sense of "them" owing us retribution.

I come from a highly succesful family. Mom and Dad have masters degrees, sister has BA plus some secondary degree in Christian ed. Step sisters (3) all college grads, most of them (incl blood relatives) had near 4.0 gpas throughout school. I was blessed with the same dna that enabled these marks. My IQ is in the 135-140 range. Oh how great in the kingdom of God I should be! This is the pathetic pride of my turmoiled soul at work.

The reality is that I tested out of H.S. I was a fast food specialist, stoner, truck driver etc. All things that fall way short of my high and mighty potential. Why won't you raise me up into leadership O God? I have such great and marvelous insights into the kingdom! Do you not see how valuable I would be to the body? This reasoning in my subconcious pride produced a deep bitterness in me against God. It is to erradicate this bitterness that I must therefore forgive Him. Not due His sin (I tremble to even put those words together) but for my own sin in this anger, bitterness and rebellion.

God have mercy on me. Break me of this horrid, wretched pride. Grant that I would have the humility of genuine thanksgiving, for You have never let go of my hand in spite of the depths of my sin against You. Truly Your grace is amazing.

I humbly offer these thoughts to you all, pray for me please. This is very difficult to admit to myself. Yet I feel hope stirring in my heart as a result of baring this wretchedness to you all, my faithful and beautiful brethren.

In His Love and by His Grace,

Doug

Ugh, this is ugliness of the worst kind. No wonder I have needed to be broken.

[b]Ugh indeed, Brother, but don't despair, the Lord has it all undercontrol - His control not ours.

And you are far from being alone in this. Again, been there, done that, the T shirt is in rags but sometimes I try to use it as a "security blanket" still - especially if I feel I'm being "patronised"!

The most ridiculous example happened a few years ago. I was at a meeting where a lovely man of God was speaking.

At the end he invited anyone who wanted to come out for prayer in response to his message. I knew I should go, but he had, in his talk, happened to mention his age and how long he'd been a Christian.

I sat there wrestling with the fact that I was older than him and had been a Christian longer. therefore how could I humble myself and ask him to pray for me?!!!:oops: In the end the Lord won, but it was only when I cried out to Him because I [i]couldn't[/i] move, that it became possible.

But the GOOD NEWS is that we don't have to go on and on being "miserable sinners" as the Anglican service puts (or used to put) it

The LORD is able to pull us out of this pit (Psalm 40), and He is already doing so)

We have to repent when He shows us our sin, but then He picks us up, dusts us off and sends us on our way rejoicing.

And others will "fear and trust in the Lord" because of the new song in our heart and mouth.

Hang on in there and wait for His salvation!

in Him

Jeannette[/b]

 2007/2/12 21:09
ChrisJD
Member



Joined: 2006/2/11
Posts: 2895
Philadelphia PA

 Re:

Hi everyone. Wonder if we shall gather enough bruised and broken grapes here to make wine.


Doug, wanted to touch on something you mentioned as it came to mind in prayer in my own seeking to be washed and purged of all this...



Quote:
My IQ is in the 135-140 range. Oh how great in the kingdom of God I should be! This is the pathetic pride of my turmoiled soul at work.



Can so much understand this(not that my IQ is that high!), enough maybe to understand the inner workings of it through my own experience. We, in our own hearts or maybe at the promptings of some suggestive spirit, we recognise enough ability of some sort or another in ourselves and we then consider ourselves usefull.


For myself I think it is an issue of vainglory. At some level I must want God to allow me to have some of both, some His glory, some my own. Even just a little.


[i]I am the Lord: that is my name: and my glory will I not give to another, neither my praise to graven images.[/i]

And anything less than an empty vessel, is it not such an image?

[i]Their idols are silver and gold, the work of men's hands.They have mouths, but they speak not: eyes have they, but they see not: They have ears, but they hear not: noses have they, but they smell not: they have hands, but they handle not: feet have they, but they walk not: neither speak they through their throat. They that make them are like unto them; so is every one that trusteth in them.[/i] Psalm 115:4-8

Who then is the life of all these in us, is it we ourselves? Or the life of God in Christ? If it is yet us, are we not such an idol, not made of wood or stone, but of flesh and blood?



How long before we shall be purged of this thought forever, [i][b]I[/b] can[/i].



...[b] when I am weak, then am I strong[/b]


_________________
Christopher Joel Dandrow

 2007/2/13 0:16Profile









 Re:

Quote:
ChrisJD wrote:
Hi everyone. Wonder if we shall gather enough bruised and broken grapes here to make wine.

:lol: [b][color=000066]Lol, Brother Chris! Maybe we needed that.
[/color][/b]

Doug, wanted to touch on something you mentioned as it came to mind in prayer in my own seeking to be washed and purged of all this...
Quote:
My IQ is in the 135-140 range. Oh how great in the kingdom of God I should be! This is the pathetic pride of my turmoiled soul at work.


Can so much understand this(not that my IQ is that high!), enough maybe to understand the inner workings of it through my own experience. We, in our own hearts or maybe at the promptings of some suggestive spirit, we recognise enough ability of some sort or another in ourselves and we then consider ourselves usefull.

For myself I think it is an issue of vainglory. At some level I must want God to allow me to have some of both, some His glory, some my own. Even just a little.
[color=000099][b]That's so true; although for me it was mostly an attempt to compensate for the huge sense of inferiority and rejection.

Is there, I wonder a kind of pride that is more rooted in pain than arrogance; more an attempt to prove yourself just a little more important than the worm you are convinced you are? (and that you are convinced everyone thinks so too)

Even a harmless worm will wriggle and violently coil itself like a snake in self-defence, though unlike a snake its totally unable to cause any damage.

...Not to make light of the sin, but just wondering...[/color][/b]

[i]I am the Lord: that is my name: and my glory will I not give to another, neither my praise to graven images.[/i]

And anything less than an empty vessel, is it not such an image?

[b][color=000099]Indeed it is. All forms of "self" - even self-defence, guilt, rejection etc - are still "self" and therefore not of Him, and therefore an idol! Why should I [i]want[/i] to be anything else but a worm? Very useful things, worms. The soil would be much poorer without them. Yet their activities are unseen, under the surface. And they are content (if a worm can experience contentment) just as to be and do what they are made for - unlike so many of us foolish and rebellious humans who want to be "as God"

Its like the story by Paul White (if you know of the Jungle Doctor fables) of a goat that wanted to be a lion, when he was really only a silly old goat. He tried to pretend he was a lion, went to join them, and of course the lions ate him![/b][/color]

[i]Their idols are silver and gold, the work of men's hands.They have mouths, but they speak not: eyes have they, but they see not: They have ears, but they hear not: noses have they, but they smell not: they have hands, but they handle not: feet have they, but they walk not: neither speak they through their throat. They that make them are like unto them; so is every one that trusteth in them.[/i] Psalm 115:4-8

Who then is the life of all these in us, is it we ourselves? Or the life of God in Christ? If it is yet us, are we not such an idol, not made of wood or stone, but of flesh and blood?

How long before we shall be purged of this thought forever, [i][b]I[/b] can[/i].

...[b] when I am weak, then am I strong[/b]

[b][color=000066]AMEN!

Jeannette[/color][/b]

 2007/2/13 10:12
John173
Member



Joined: 2007/1/30
Posts: 289
Omaha

 Re:

Mike,

I finally have had a chance to reread your initial reply. Let me say this first. Everything you said ministered to me. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the way you poured yourself into that post. I am humbled by this in so many ways, not only by your gift, but the gift everyone has brought to this thread. I am humbled too, to see how this has touched off so much growth in our little "fellowship" here.

[color=003399]

Quote:
Broken heart. Broken man. There is a very good reason for these things. Through this brother. Go on through. Do pray, pray always. Unceasingly means ... what it means, without end.

[/color]


He is pulling me through, I am to some degree, at least at times, going kicking and screaming, but I am beginning to recognize the fruit of what the Lord is doing. It is like having a thorn bush ripped out through my heart, whose roots have grown down every artery in me. Ack! Praise God that in the midst of this He is granting me some sweet times of fellowship with Him. I suspect this has some similarities to the times of grieving you are going through. I read a post elsewhere where someone gave you the same advise...go through, it is at times like this that we experience the greatest growth. This is much like the rings in a tree. The wide parts are from the spring and summer, while the thinner bends are produced during the harsher winter months. The interesting part is that the wide parts are the softer, the narrow is what makes the wood hard. I relate hardness to firmness, or internal strength of character...as a result of trial, difficulty or even drought.

[color=000099]Prayer as something you are rather than just something we do.[/color]

I am finding this to be more and more true. There are times where my verbal communication to the Lord consists of "O Lord," yet I know He is hearing a far deeper cry of my spirit.

[color=000099]1Th 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.[/color]

Oh that we could get this one into the depths of our hearts. It is our sacrifice of praise when we do so in the midst of our trials. Though the fig tree may not blossom (does anyone remember that song?)...yet will I rejoice in the Lord. Hab 3:17

[color=000099]character is made by being shown where we are deficient and addressing these things head on. That is often we think by merely pulling up the boot straps and by sheer 'will power' funny notion, that. It is an element, be strong therefore but the paradox is in it's opposite; dependence, faith, trust in the Lord. If we give over "commit" our souls unto the Lord, well I keep finding Him faithful.[/color]

I often stuggle with this seeming contradiction. Be strong...Strength is perfected in weakness...having no confidence in the flesh etc. This has much to do with our need to be broken. We may read and even agree with the concept, yet it takes brokenness to come to terms with our inability to be strong by simply "pulling up the bootstraps".

[color=000099]May be going a bit past your particulars here but perhaps I am trying to just convey that what you are going through is not an end in itself as was mentioned nor something of an escape to get out of. To overcome it is probably not the real goal or rather, the aim. Think if we get stuck there we are extrapolating the future before it arrives. That place is there somewhere, a place to look back on after you have passed it. This may not be any part of your thinking at all. [/color]

This very much speaks to an error in my thinking for years and years. It is probably why this process of growth is taking so long. My yearning for the destination has caused me to rebel against the process. This time I am staying put. Or at least trying. I still find myself trying or wanting to run away from this time, no one much enjoys any painful process, yet His grace is helping me to submit myself to His dealings.

[color=000099]Let me be forthcoming as you have here. I do not really do the 'witnessing thing' very well. What I mean is in the many varied ways we have come to think of them, expressing the truth we hold to. Witnessing to people frankly would give off or bring up the whole fear of man issues that you speak of. I just cannot do it the way others do and have often berated myself for the whole idea of 'not getting out there' and doing it, whatever the fashion. There is a whole backlog of semi-convicting thoughts, reading through all these postings over the years, all the great 'soul winners', the street preachers in our midst and I would often think, 'and just what is it I think I am doing here, speaking of all these deep, penetrating issues of the faith ... am I a hypocrite?". "Sharing your faith" ... are you? Isn't this one of the large questions asked, inferenced, of others, of ourselves. Is it mode or operation or program? Is it as it is often 'presented' sadly enough just another 'pitch' even by the most sincere? Are there not many who would be doing a greater service if they just quit doing what they are doing because they are doing far more harm than good? What I mean is, I think there are far too many who have gone on out with The Great Commission without a Commissioner. They know the Lord either not at all or in such a deficient understanding as to be actually spreading all kinds of accurate orthodoxy that is in reality poisonous heresy. To speak in the Name of the Lord all the while harboring pride and bitterness, judgment that is not theirs to give, hypocrisy and duplicity, things gleaned off the surface that have never entered the marrow of being[/color]

How in the world did you get into my head like that? :-)

[color=000099]This honesty business is really coming to the fore more and more these days.[/color]

This touches on something I have long grieved over. When we walk in the light...how to say this...when there is true fellowship in the Sirit amongst brethren, we should be able to be transparent with each other. I long for those relationships, as our dear sister relates elsewhere, where we allow each other full access to our lives and our hearts. this requires transparency.[color=660000]Jam 5:16 Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. [/color]. The word for faults here, often translated sins elswhere is a word which in the greek connotes side slipping. I am convinced that James is not telling us to confess our specific acts, but rather to be open and honest about the places in our lives that our footing is unsure. As we pray for each other over these trials we find the freedom of God's healing, or firming up the ground under our feet. The word for healing is, I believe, translated elsewhere; delivered.[color=000099]But herein lies the very secret brother of all this. It is our self dying out to everything save the Lord. It is to truly put the emphasis on others, to their considerations, to their uplifting, to their honor or praiseworthiness. In this instance it was for my mother and for the Lord. Think it can and will transpire across these fears that you have as well. I know them well, I know your struggles, they are the very means of advancing, embrace them[/color]

I have no thoughts on this other than this is so important, I though it worth repeating.



I have not even touched on all that is happening in my spirit. I can feel your prayers dear saints. [color=660000]Col 2:5 For though I be absent in the flesh, yet am I with you in the spirit, joying and beholding your order, and the stedfastness of your faith in Christ.[/color]I am not sure how this relates except that I pray that over the miles and even oceans we are all together in spirit, that somehow that which I failto communicate hear in this forum will be heard in your spirit. I know how I feel as I read each of these posts. There is a fellowship, a kindredness if you will, that is not in body or mind but transcends them both.

In His Love,

Doug


_________________
Doug Fussell

 2007/2/13 17:34Profile
ChrisJD
Member



Joined: 2006/2/11
Posts: 2895
Philadelphia PA

 Re:

Evening all.


Jeannette,


"Is there, I wonder a kind of pride that is more rooted in pain than arrogance;"

This is bigger than we probably know. Think of this the same way as money; the covetousness of a rich man is more obvious to everyone than that of the poor. A preacher once said(in so many words) that it's just as much pride to park your beat-up car in the back of the parking lot as it is to park your fancy one in the front!

I've fallen into this side of pride's ditch too. The way it has happened with me is encoutering other 'religous people' on the streets. Often times, instead of these encounters being an encouragement, its been more like sword fighting. And not just with other believers but people in general. The tendecy has too many times been to defend myself, with weapons of words. Yeah, that's real sheep like.

When I first set out to share the Gospel, I had it in my mind that God wanted me to do this because I was somehow better, or more, or especially suited to it. I think I've come to believe that it had more to do with dealing with things in me. The broken-down walls of human life that you encounter on the streets have a way of searching you out. At least it has for me.


Appreciate everything you've shared :-)


Doug,


"...we should be able to be transparent with each other."

Was thinking about this thread the other day and had a similar thought. This phrase came to mind:

a culture of dishonesty in the kingdom of truth


_________________
Christopher Joel Dandrow

 2007/2/13 23:26Profile
John173
Member



Joined: 2007/1/30
Posts: 289
Omaha

 Re:

I am late getting home from church this evening but wanted to take a few minutes to give this update. All this trial and struggle is beginning to pay dividends. I have learned so much this past week. It would be difficult to express it all tonight, I am simply too tired and a bit fuzzy around the edges.

Praise His Holy Name. Changes are occuring on a deep inner level. Changes I have longed for my entire walk. I am coming out from under a cloud of self condemnation. The truth [i][b][color=000066]is[/color][/b][/i] taking hold of my heart. I [i][b][color=000066]am [/color][/b][/i] redeemed! I [i][b][color=000066]am [/color][/b][/i] a new creation! All my sins [b][i][color=000066]are[/color][/i][/b] washed away! [i][b][color=000066]Hallelujah![/color][/b][/i]

Thank you all so much for your prayers. The prayers of a righteous saint availeth much.

In His Love,

Doug


_________________
Doug Fussell

 2007/2/15 0:08Profile
John173
Member



Joined: 2007/1/30
Posts: 289
Omaha

 Re: A broken heart

I just wanted to post an update as to the work the Lord is doing in my life. Today, Thursday 22 February 2007 has been a landmark day.

But first I must regress to Tuesday. You all know what a difficult time I've been having. The wrenching prayer, confrontations with the "wormy flesh" staring at me in the mirror. Had I known what lay ahead on that winters night in '79 I just may have said "Gee, thanks but no thanks!" It's too late now!

Tuesday was the worst yet. I have known how much I need to be broken. I yearn from the core of my being to be useful to God here on planet earth. I have recognized that the broken are the most useable of all His vessels. Yet I have the spirit of a wild stallion. I buck and rear something fierce at every light touch upon my will. If you heard the piercing screems my soul utters you may need a hearing aid afterwards.

Tuesday...I'm gettin there...was sheer anguish. I was alone in an empty, unfurnished house I was holding open. Weekdays never see any traffic. I tried to pray but felt miles away from God. Instead I began to weep, then to wail. This turned to prayer...of sorts. I felt like Jacob, wrestling. In utter despair I told Him to just get it over with! Just break me already! I was at the brink of a mental collapse. Eventually the wailing turned to sobbing and slowly turned to mere tears and 1/2 a roll of toilet paper. I was exhausted and numb.

Wednesday I was still so numb that I stayed home all day, I don't think I even brushed my teeth. I know, I know, grrross maan!

Today dawned like it always does. At 7:45am I realized I had 1/2 an hour before I needed to start getting ready if I wanted to get to my office by 9:00. I heard the Lord ask for that 1/2 hour. Just read My word, try Isaiah. I reluctantly grabbed my bible and flipped it open directly to:

[color=006600]Isaiah 61 The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. [/color]

[color=660000]This is far and away my favorite passage in the entire word of God. To me it represents God's mission statement in sending His Son to us. It represents my hearts cry for ministry. I believe this should be the mission statement for every believer who wants to do Christ's work here. It is also where I have always stopped reading, the rest just never spoke to me, today I read on...[/color]


[color=006600]And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations. And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien [shall be] your plowmen and your vinedressers. But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: [men] shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves. For your shame [ye shall have] double; and [for] confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them. For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them. And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they [are] the seed [which] the LORD hath blessed.[/color]

This felt very much like a promise to me that my shame and confusion were drawing to an end.

[color=006600]I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh [himself] with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth [herself] with her jewels. For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations. [/color]

WOW! Is He really saying to me that my life will soon bear fruit?

[color=006600]Isa 62:1-7 For Zion's sake will I not hold my peace, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not rest, until the righteousness thereof go forth as brightness, and the salvation thereof as a lamp [that] burneth. And the Gentiles shall see thy righteousness, and all kings thy glory: and thou shalt be called by a new name, which the mouth of the LORD shall name. Thou shalt also be a crown of glory in the hand of the LORD, and a royal diadem in the hand of thy God. Thou shalt no more be termed Forsaken; neither shall thy land any more be termed Desolate: but thou shalt be called Hephzibah, and thy land Beulah: for the LORD delighteth in thee, and thy land shall be married. For [as] a young man marrieth a virgin, [so] shall thy sons marry thee: and [as] the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride, [so] shall thy God rejoice over thee. I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, [which] shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence, And give him no rest, till he establish, and till he make Jerusalem a praise in the earth. [/color]

This is very telling regarding the very thing I have wrestled with God over. I know that He has called me to speak forth His word. As I read this I knew that the time for silence was over. I can no longer afford to hold my peace.

The morning was not complete. Knowing what I was being called to do is not the same as being empowered to do it. Neither does it mean that I had surrendered myself to it. I felt a great weight on me as I considered what I had just read and what His Spirit was saying to me through it.

I began to pray in tongues. I do this a lot as I usually can't find the words to express what is going on in my inner man. This prayer was like a dam burst open. Out came a rushing torrent of words like I have never known. The tone was loud, emphatic, bold and insistent. What it was not was pitiful, wimpering or reserved. When I get to heaven I want a transcript of the interpretation. It must have poured out for ten minutes or so.

At the end my heart was flooded with such joy as I can't begin to describe. I felt like I had come upon a garden setting with the perfect temp, the perfect sunlight, the perfect everything. I was basking in His presence. Somewhere in all of this my heart had yielded. That which I could not accomplish no matter how hard I tried, God had done at long last.

Hallelujah!

In His Love,

Doug


_________________
Doug Fussell

 2007/2/22 23:46Profile









 Re: A broken heart

John173 said

Quote:
I began to pray in tongues. I do this a lot as I usually can't find the words to express what is going on in my inner man. This prayer was like a dam burst open. Out came a rushing torrent of words like I have never known.

John, I read this the day you posted but didn't know what to say. Mainly I want to encourage you by saying I'm encouraged you are going on with such a determination.

I think some of us (at least some of us) identify with the stricture you've been feeling, and that the only way forward is through. We [i]expect[/i] to hear of God meeting you.... but, I know it's not an anti-climax from your perspective. It's an essential endorsement of both you and the word He's already spoken, which is its own landmark in your spiritual life.

Now it's your turn to endorse God's word, by putting the power of your body and your word behind His call on your life.

Quote:
[b]Knowing what I was being called to do is not the same as being empowered to do it. Neither does it mean that I had surrendered myself to it[/b]. I felt a great weight on me as I considered what I had just read and what His Spirit was saying to me through it.

[b]These are real words of wisdom.[/b]

If you can pace yourself to keep pressing on, and to do the little things He gives you to do [i]for real[/i].... Don't think of them as 'practise' that doesn't really matter .... He will continue to establish His word in you, ever more deeply. (I speak to myself in this, also.)

 2007/2/24 16:17
John173
Member



Joined: 2007/1/30
Posts: 289
Omaha

 Re:

[color=0000CC]If you can pace yourself to keep pressing on, and to do the little things He gives you to do for real.... [/color]

Thank you brother for your wise encouragement. In spite of the glory of the other day, I continue to recognize the need to go through the process. At least I have begun to express for real what is in my heart. For 30 years I have only done this in the imagination of my own heart. It doesn't do anyone any good in there.

Thanks again,

Doug


_________________
Doug Fussell

 2007/2/24 18:00Profile
Nellie
Member



Joined: 2004/4/5
Posts: 952


 Re:

Doug,
Praise God!!!!
I'm so thankful you are sharing what God did, and is doing for you.
I long for Him to complete the work in my own heart and life. Phil. 1:6
Just keep sharing Brother.
There are people who want to hear, even if it is just a remnant.
He is able to do exceeding, abundantly , above all we ask or think, according to the Power, {His Power}
that worketh in us.
Praise God for Victory through the Blood of Jesus Christ.
God Bless
Nellie

 2007/2/24 18:13Profile





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