Hi,

I'm 17 and since
I was 14 I've struggled so much with so many things,
particularly salvation. The struggle has gotten so bad
that for these last 3 years, I've bought book after
book on various things, by various authors from Wesley
& Tozer to Spurgeon & Bunyan. That doesn't even do
justice to the various authors I have books by.

I've listened to hundreds of sermons on
Sermonindex.net from so many people and from the books
to the sermons, my hope has been that God would tell
me exactly my problem and prescribe something to me.
This continues to be my hidden hope. I know that God
has written a book called the Bible and that should be
enough and I would rather it be enough. However, for
these last 3 years, I have never studied the Bible in
such a way as to benefit from it.

I do pray but more so because I have to pray not
because I want to pray. Around June 2006 through
September 2006, in those 4 months, it was as heaven on
earth. I believe it was in those 4 months, I might
have been given the new birth from above. I never
prayed so sweeter, some nights I'd be up at 4AM
praying untill 6AM and in those 2 hours it was like a
thin veil between heaven and earth. Those memories are
almost completely lost from my mind.

From September though, that blazing glory that I saw,
just died away in about a months time. It was like I
watched Jesus Christ fade into the background and my
soul was sucked into hell. Since that time, I've been
living as though I'm in hell. Under so much bondage
and yokes and burdens that I cannot even name because
I don't even know what they are. I just feel so horrible.

Perhaps fear of hell? Or fear that I might never be
born again and will soon die in such a state as this?
One that painfully grieves me is that I just don't
even know so many things. That verse that says "My
people perish for lack of knowledge," I squeel at in
myself. Although I know its talking about Gods law,
yet It makes me horribly afraid. One of the things
about it is thinking "What if I die and never truely
repented because I didn't know something I had the
chance to know but didn't do it?"

I say that if I die and the wrath of God abides on me
then. If He sends me to hell, He would be justified in
doing that because I deserve it. Yet when I say even
these words my own heart condemns me and says "You
don't really mean that and don't know the weight of
what your saying." And I agree and on and on so many
things just torment me. Torment is the best word to
describe how I feel.

I do not know that I know that God loves me and
accepts me. I feel like the man in the New Testament
who said to Jesus, "Lord, I believe. Help my
unbelief." Yet I don't even know if He'll help my
unbelief and so I'm just toss to and fro by every wind
of doctrine and on and on.

I don't know what to do and I could write so much more
but I won't. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in utter despair. If I'm justified before God, why am I not the happiest person in the world? Why can't I rejoice? I just don't know what to do.

Thanks,
Paul

it looks like you are on the right track to me I am struggling at the moment aswell!!
Dom

_________________
Dominic Shiells

Dear Paul,

I can feel your pain and the depth of your struggle. The reason that people perish because of lack on knowledge is because they don't really understand the finished work of Christ.

I would suggest you get one more book called " The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee.

In it you will come to understand some very wonderful provisions for you that you can be secure in.

First of all I will list some verses for you:

----------------------------------------------

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

-----------------------------------------------

Romans 4:6
Even as David also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God imputeth righteousness without works,

------------------------------------------------

Romans 5:17
For if by one man's offence death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ.)

------------------------------------------------

1 Corinthians 1:30
But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:

-------------------------------------------------

2 Corinthians 5:21
For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.

------------------------------------------------

Eph 1:6 To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.

------------------------------------------------



In the book by Watchman Nee you will see that "of God are ye in Christ Jesus". He (God) placed you there. It is difficult to understand exactly how we are placed there, but God who created us and all things says He placed us there, therefore, it has to be a fact. You will also learn that you are accepted in the Beloved. If God placed you in Christ Jesus and He accepts you in Christ Jesus then you are accepted if you have given your life to Him.

You no longer need to fear He will cast you off. You are accepted in Him.

If you are trying to please Him and just don't feel worthy the devil is telling you lies, even your own background can tell you lies.

If your family, Father, Mother, etc. never validated you. Never made you feel valuable you may feel that you could never measure up with a Holy God. However:

-------------------------------------------------
Phl 3:9 And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:

------------------------------------------------


We can never measure up accept through the blood of Jesus. However once the blood has been applied to our lives we are accepted in the beloved.

You have to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Cast down vain imaginings. You have the mind of Christ and hold the thoughts and intents and purposes of His heart. The problem is you are letting you thoughts run away with you. You are not more accepted because you feel accepted, you are accepted because of the finished work of Christ in His death, burial and resurrection.

Begin to speak God's word over yourself. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. Open to the Psalms and begin to pray them as prayers over yourself.


---------------------------------------------

Psa 139:14 I will praise thee; for I "Paul" am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well.


Psa 139:15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, [and] curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.


Psa 139:16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all [my members] were written, [which] in continuance were fashioned, when [as yet there was] none of them.


Psa 139:17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

-----------------------------------------------

You can encourage yourself in the Lord by speaking the word as prayers over your life out loud. Faith comes by hearing. Speak it to yourself. Refuse any and all negative thoughts about yourself. Say what God says about you. Declare it outloud to yourself.

One time I was feeling very down and comdemned and I heard a song by Leonard Jones called " Not Guilty ". It set me free. God showed me that even if everyone put me down, or if I was down on myself that is I kept close accounts with God His blood cleanses me from all unrighteousness and I am not guilty. Praise God freedom. Joy, and peace in the Holy Ghost.

I will be praying for you Paul. God is just taking you through the process. He wants us to see that in us dwelleth no good thing, but in Him we have all things that pertain to life and godliness.

----------------------------------------------

[color=6600CC]2Pe 1:1 ¶ Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ: [/color]

[color=6600CC]2Pe 1:2 Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord, [/color]

[color=6600CC]2Pe 1:3 According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that [pertain] unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: [/color]

[color=6600CC]2Pe 1:4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. [/color]

You have already been given these promises, you just have to believe Him and take Him at His word. He can not lie.

_________________
KLC

Hi Paul i was really inspired by ur post!

Many of the Saint have experienced exactly what your going through!! Just stay faithful praying & reading your Bible, you will get through this!
andy

ps it might not be evident to you, but your love for Christ shines through ur post!!

_________________
andy

Hi maybe a bio of Bunyan may be of help,he discribed many of the same feeling you are..look what God did through him!!
andy

_________________
andy

Brother Paul,

May the Good Lord Bless You. First of all, smile :-D . I do not know you, except from your plea for help. If you did not say in the first sentence that you are 17, I would have thought you were any one of the 'adult' christians here on sermonindex.

I am 29. Although you may think that is a little old, believe me it is not. I remember very clearly how I was and how I thought and acted at your age. You, dear Paul, are nothing like me. You are doing everything right (from what I read)!

I know how this sounds, because I thought it too at one time, but "When I was your age"... the furthest thing from my mind was 'salvation' and the 'fear of God'. My mind was on the worst of wordly things known to man.

No one could ever have found me praying, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, going to church, reading books (of any type), or trying to get help or advice on something like SermonIndex. To me, you sound like an exceptional young man who has realized the truth of life way before most people do.

I do not regret my life, because it has made me who I am today, however, if I had the option I would have started my relationship with Jesus much earlier. You, my brother, are beginning a journey which will hopefully last you a good 60 to 80 years.

Most of us here on sermonindex, do not have near that much time. You have a great opportunty to learn and develop into a faithfully strong worker for our Lord. Do you really believe that each and every one of those days will be filled with 'happiness'? I don't know dude...I think even Joel Osteen must take a break from smiling sometime (get my point?!).

We, as Christians, are not promised a great and wonderfully joy filled life, while here on earth. That is for heaven. Think of heaven as your birthday. You will get an amazing present or prize, but you will have to wait. Although you have many years before that time, it means we are to live life...'each day to the fulliest', while at the same time remembering that the days leading up to the big day can be joyful or miserable, depending on what you set your beliefs and habits on.

We all struggle. Those without Jesus are in a worse struggle, so keep up the work and take some of the advice these brothers and sisters offer you (not necessarily mine :-( ).

I, at times, pray because I have to and then other times I pray because I want to. Either way, we are both praying. Everything has a season, including prayer. You and I will grow and learn the benefits of keeping focused and plowing through the difficult times, so that we can experience the good ones.

Jesus may seem to be 'fading' in the background on you, but that does not mean he is not there. Have you ever taught a child to ride a bike? As the 'grown-up' you hold on to the seat and let the child peddle while giving instructions. Then the 'grown-up' gives less instuction and eventually lets the child ride alone, however, the 'grown-up' is still there to catch the child, when (not if) the child starts to fall.

Jesus will always be there for you as long as you need him in your life. The problem with most children is when they learn to ride their bicycle, then they ride away and never come back or return.

Anyway, Paul, keep up the work and keep your hope alive. Keep praying and keep reading your Bible.
Keep in touch with sermonindex, they are the best friends we will never have.

God Bless You and Your Journey,
Brian 8-)

All's I can think of is just continually abide in Him.... just abide in Him, while remembering His promise that He will abide in you friend.... perhaps meditating on John 15:1-11 (kjv).
Don't loose that child-like faith friend, for it is your shield against the fiery darts of the wicked (Eph 6:16, kjv).
Keep asking, seeking, and knocking friend.
Don't trust in your old spiritual experiences. They may bring you a smile and perhaps even some encouragement, but the Holy Spirit is moving like the wind friend. There is sooooooooooo much more of Him to experience.
Perhaps do a study on the precious promises of God and meditate on them day and night.
"Be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh."- James 5:8 (kjv)
and...
"Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms."- James 5:13(kjv)
I may be foolish friend and pitiful... but this I know: God is Good, and He knows what is best for His children. I encourage you to lean on and trust Him in your time of need.

richie

_________________
Richie

Hi Paul,

i dont know if you've ever heard of the preacher on here called zac poonen, but if i could recommend one of my favorite audio sermons from him 'learning to be content' i think it may give you tremendous encouragement:
https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/viewcat.php?cid=157&min=220&orderby=titleA&show=20 (you gotta scroll down a bit).

and also i think chapter 2 from his book 'the day of small beginnings': http://www.cfcindia.com/web/mainpages/bookshelf.php
may encourage you as well. and dont forget, faith, not feelings pleases God, so don't give up, its the only battle worth fighting. i'm praying for you.

Dear Paul,

*edit*

_________________
Blake Kidney

++ Post has been edited ++

My brother... when we begin to see God as our Father we then begin to understand His love. It is unmeritted... but He gives it anyway!

When you have children of your own, you will understand God a lot better. Accept His love.

Imagine if you had kids, and instead of being excited everyday when you came home from work they cringe in the corner because they are afraid of you... how would you feel?

I think God gets that from us a lot of times. All He wants is to love on His children.

Krispy