Thank you for your prayers. I thought I'd better update you all, because I have had a few queries. Let's just say, it's not over yet, but things are better than when I put out the request.
Dealing with depression is a cyclic roller coaster ride, but things are improving:-). I think that your prayers are having greatest work in myself, personally. Since Thursday night, I have been blessed with increase patience and understand that goes beyond mere comprehension.
For those who know little about depression, it makes life have the perception of being difficult, to the point of impossibility, causing many to become suicidal out of utter despair. This suicidal tendancy is not one of mere selfishness, but of hopelessness. For Rach, it is a matter of "I see how my behvaiour affects you and the children, so I must conclude that you would be far better without me." Being a Christian, she would not divorce, as she knows that that would lead to a life of celibacy for me, until she dies, or returns (not I'm not going to discuss that issue, it is settled for me, whether it is for you or not), or adultery, which is to sin against God. Considering all this, the only alternative that she can see is suicide, as that would "liberate" our family from being obliged to her.
This is where another component of depression shows; it isn't very rational. Because the suicide would lead to the possible ruin of the lives of our children (and me for that matter), who will inevitably take upon themselves the blame for the whole thing, no matter how hard she, or anyone else, tried to persuade them otherwise.
Now the thing is, put all these thoughts into a depressed mind, and you have a self propelling problem, where your "damned if you don't" and "damned if you do", so to speak. It's like this, depressed people react in ways that hurt people. Then the depressed one's depression worsens, due to the shame of realising that their behaviour contributed to that person being hurt. Then the hurt one reacts in a "non productive" manner, where emotions like fear, and shame manifest as rage and detachment, which in turn hurts the depressed one.
In the mind of the depressed one, go thoughts like, "I wish I could handle the noise that my children make when they're having fun", which are offest with "That noise is driving me nuts", and comes out, "Will you just shut up!! I can't handle the noise!!" This doesn't sound like much, but it is often being directed at her four year old daughter. Then there is the guilt of the explosion, wishing it could be taken back, and the cycle begins again.
Anyway, put an opinionated person like me into the mix (really, I know you don't think that I'm like that ;-)), and not only do you feel bad about what you're going through, but now you understand in minute detail, why you should "have cause" to feel bad.
Anyway, somehow, I've have been able to hold back my opinions, while still dishing out my love. I've been exceedingly humbled by the whole experience, bacxuase I know that it is not me, it is God in me. Thanks again to all who have been praying for us, I covet them still, and look forward to being able to say we are through all this. _________________ Aaron Ireland
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