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Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re:

You know, it helps to know I'm not alone. I look around me and I'm afraid to tell anyone how I really feel because I know I'm wrestling with lies. I get angry because I'm like this. I don't want to be like this. It doesn't feel "normal". I [i]know[/i] there are many Christians who don't have to wrestle like this. It feels unfair. I [i]really, really[/i] love God! I do! I've done literally everything I know to do to move on out of this place of confusion and unbelief. I've prayed every prayer I know to pray. I've humbled myself and cried a river before God. I'll think I'm out of the woods and then I wake up and there it is again. It feels like I'm pinned under a train. Who can lift off a train?!

I'm sorry, folks. I wish I could just be victorious and get out front and play the gospel pipe and lead the multitudes to Jesus. There's nothing I'd like better than that. Instead, I crawl along on my hands and knees like a snail. One thing is for sure, If ever I am able to rise above all of this, I'm gonna know for sure that I have nothing to give to anyone other than Christ. I doubt I will have anything left to take pride in of myself. I will be like Moses saying, "Who am I , that I should go before Pharoah, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?"

You know, many times I think that God isn't fair. I mean, look around you at all the people who are dog ugly, and then look around at all the beautiful people. Think how horrible it would be to go through life ugly. You know the bumper sticker that says, "I can take a shower, but you'll always be ugly." What are ugly people supposed to do? There's only so much you can do to change your appearance. Is it some kind of cruel joke? Those ugly people had no choice in the matter. How are they supposed to compete in a world of beauty with the likes of Cindy Crawford and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt?

I know, you're all wondering, "What's she talking about ugly people for? That's not nice."

I'm just using this for an analogy. God has his ugly saints and God has his good looking saints, spiritually speaking. Darkness and light are both alike to Him. Ugly and pretty are both alike to Him. Some people have an advantage in this world, but is it really? Maybe beauty is a curse. Maybe spiritual ease is a curse. Maybe I'm blessed. Maybe beautiful people should go around wearing an ugly mask for a while and see what it feels like to be ugly. Maybe then they would see God. Sometimes I wish someone else could go around inside of me for a while and see what it is I'm struggling with. All my struggles are on the inside. I ain't bad lookin ;-) . Then again, I ain't no beauty queen. I suppose I'm just the way God made me and I'm carrying the bag God handed me. Am I making any sense at all?

Paul said in Phillipians 2, speaking to the Phillipians about sending Timothy to them, "[i]For I have no man likeminded, who will naturally care for your state. For all seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ's[/i]" What has to happen to bring forth that kind of selflessness? To count all things as dung in comparison to knowing Christ? A death to self. I guess I'm still twitchin'. Dian.

 2006/10/18 6:18Profile
enid
Member



Joined: 2006/5/22
Posts: 2661
Nottingham, England

 Re:

Ugly people?

Aren't you just glad emailing can be faceless!
We wouldn't do it otherwise!

Still, you know what sis, God is good.

How we feel does not change who He is because God cannot change.

If you have ever read the book Pilgrims Progress by John Bunyan, you might remember Christian being put in a dungeon in Doubting Castle owned by Giant Despair.
Christian escaped by using the key Promise, which would open the door to any room in Doubting Castle.

God's word says draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

This isn't a promise of God, this is a fact.
Many people mistake it for a promise, but there is no if attached.

As we know, feelings and thoughts come and go.

Some thoughts don't go. They seem to attack night and day.

The fiery darts of the wicked one, so it tells us in Ephesians.

Sometimes, we have no strength left to fight. Good!

When we are weak, He is strong. Look to Him.

He is faithful.

God bless.

 2006/10/18 7:09Profile
death2self
Member



Joined: 2006/9/28
Posts: 192
Washington DC area

 Re:

Dian,

This self-sufficient spirit is such a hard thing to break because we have told ourselves lie upon lie. Here's a couple you've probably heard: "God helps those who help themselves." or "If it's got to be, it's up to me."

We say, or perhaps I should say I often have said, Lord I trust you and I ascribed my own self-sufficiency to the hand of God. The reality was that was trusting in my own ability to navigate through a financial mess or situation, rather than trusting and waiting upon the Lord God of heaven.

Even in the body of Christ, we've made self-sufficiency not a sin but a virtue.

Know that the Lord wants this and wants you to trust Him for every provision. That means you won't have anything any longer, everything has been given over to Jesus. You're not serving Mammon any longer but only Jesus.

I would encourage you to read about George Muller and there's a wonderful meat-filled article written by a dear brother available here: [url=http://www.authenticchristianity.net/]George Muller[/url] You have to go to books and then click on Text Downloads.

Here's a testimony that I shared on our fellowship's website yesterday on this very thing. I pray it's helpful to you.

The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart last night and told me I need to share a testimony, so I need to provide a little bit of background just so that you can see what a miracle God wrought. I certainly didn’t merit anything from the Lord God of heaven as you will see…

Much of my early years were spent in sickness with a constant ear infection or the virus of the week. I was very clumsy as well and couldn’t walk until I was nearly three years of age. My speech patterns did not develop normally and I had great difficulty learning how to talk and to read. In the midst of my angst, I cried out to the Lord often in great anger and bitterness. How could God treat me this way? Why can’t be a “normal” child?

This finally led me to a point in great bitterness and anger I told Jesus that if I ever get out this bed, I will not ask anyone for anything any more. I recently discovered that even in the midst of this rebellion of my heart that God healed me. Despite the lack of treatment, I began to learn out to read and speak and walk and talk and all the things I couldn’t do somehow I could do. I know now that Jesus touched me.

And now that the background is out of the way...

About six weeks ago, I came home from church and Pastor Ray was talking about the good and bad fish in Matthew 13 and he drew a picture of a bad fish as a blowfish. When I got home that night, my face was literally blown up (like a blowfish) and my heart was convicted and I had great difficulty looking in the mirror.

When I got up to pray the next morning, the Holy Spirit told me I had an tooth with an abscess. I didn’t have the money to go to the dentist so I didn’t pray anything about that and went on about my day. The pain began to intensify and we had our Friday night prayer meeting and one of the brothers asked me what was going on as my face was somewhat contorted and I told him. He asked me what I was going to do about it. I can’t remember what I said exactly but the gist of it was “I’m not going to do anything because I’ve got no way to fix it and the Lord doesn’t want me to go into debt to fix it.”

My brother was firm yet kind and I knew in my heart that I had to pray about this so the next morning I did so. First I repented of not asking God to help me. I used to believe that it was a virtue not to ask God for help, “That’s okay God, I can take care of that problem.”

He told me to call this brother’s dentist and make an appointment, which I did. He also told me that he would provide the money necessary to get this fixed. My parents called me for the first time in nearly three months and they asked me, as they normally do, if I needed anything. The Holy Spirit said to explain my situation which I did and after finding how much it cost to fix the tooth, they promptly sent me a check for nearly $1800 to pay for a crown, root canal and the labor involved.

I had not asked my parents for money that I could ever remember on my own initiative since I began working when I was 15 years old. That’s nearly 30 years ago, as I soon will be 45.

I thank Jesus because he prompted my folks to call and for me to ask for help, something I would have never done even a few months ago. The Lord is changing this proud little blowfish of a boy into a new creature.

All I can say is thank you Jesus for your mercy and kindness to such a worm as I. I have renounced this wicked vow that I made as a child and am trusting Jesus to fully realize this self-sufficient spirit that has been such a source of wickedness in my heart.

Jesus is enough...


_________________
Ed Pugh

 2006/10/18 9:44Profile
roaringlamb
Member



Joined: 2003/6/11
Posts: 1519
Santa Cruz California

 Re:

Sis Dian it is interesting that you bring up that wrestling situation. At times when I throw a "pity party", I begin to think, "you know I don't have to be so glued to the Word, I could compromise like those men who have big churches, and are accepted by all." "I could sacrifice Truth for unity, I could be a preacher of the post-modern gospel."
But then in the quiet recesses of my heart there arises a voice that says, " Is that what you really want, do want that , or do you want me?"
Trust me it changes everything. I really have no idea what GOD is doing in my life right now, yet I have become fascinated with HIM, and I plead with HIM for HIS Life in my soul. I cry out to HIM, "oh that I may know thee, and the power of your resurrection, and the fellowship of your suffering." The purging, and chastening continue.
Also I thank whoever it was that lifted me up in prayer yesterday, as I could sense it was happening, and may our Lord bless you!


_________________
patrick heaviside

 2006/10/18 13:53Profile
Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re: self-sufficiency

Death2, thanks for sharing your testimony. That was a blessing to me. You said,

Quote:
All I can say is thank you Jesus for your mercy and kindness to such a worm as I. I have renounced this wicked vow that I made as a child and am trusting Jesus to fully realize this self-sufficient spirit that has been such a source of wickedness in my heart.



This is so important, this renouncing of the thing. I think I've done this before, but I'm gonna go do it again.

My father's favorite saying was, "You made your bed, now lay in it." My heavenly Father says, "If you make your bed in hell, I'll be there." I love that. It's so hard to believe that God will help us when our suffering is self-inflicted, but he hears the cries of the broken and contrite heart. That is very good news. Love, Dian.

 2006/10/18 14:51Profile
death2self
Member



Joined: 2006/9/28
Posts: 192
Washington DC area

 Re:

Yes Dian,

That is good news. He has been extraordinarily patient and kind and I'm trusting Jesus for full victory over this self-sufficient spirit. It seems almost un-American to say that I'm literally going to trust Jesus rather than myself but that's okay my home isn't here, I'm a sojourner in this land.

I pray that Jesus does this same work in your heart as well. I'm finding that Jesus always pays for what He orders. What an awesome God we serve...


_________________
Ed Pugh

 2006/10/18 16:06Profile









 Re: qutestion about a quote


Hi Spitfire,

I just asked hmmhmm to put the link to his thread GODS WILL, here, for you to read his post. I think it will bless you.

I've been taking part in a thread called A Question for Calvinists, and noticed another thread called 'Prayer and the Sovreignty of God' and found this quote from Spurgeon. I'd say it accords exactly with my experience, and I hope it encourages you to keep believing you are gaining ground in the Spirit, regardless of outward appearances.

'"Pray for prayer - pray till you can pray, pray to be helped to pray and give not up praying because you cannot pray, [b]for it is when you think you cannot pray that you are most praying[/b]." ' [i](emphasis mine)[/i]

 2006/10/19 6:25
Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re:

Quote:
for it is when you think you cannot pray that you are most praying." ' (emphasis mine)



I sure have done alot of praying in my life. :-D

 2006/10/19 6:47Profile
hmmhmm
Member



Joined: 2006/1/31
Posts: 4991
Sweden

 Re:

i was asked to link this thread here, so here you go :)

http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=12908&forum=35



_________________
CHRISTIAN

 2006/10/19 12:11Profile
Spitfire
Member



Joined: 2004/8/3
Posts: 633


 Re: God's will

I went to Hmmhmm's thread on God's will and I want to copy my post from there to here. I said:

Quote:
Christian, thank you for linking this to my thread on a question about a quote. I so totally understood your dilemma and I can relate.
Quote:
I think the thing which divides my heart is having been brought up in the prosperity gospel. You know, suffering isn't tolerated there. If a person is doing much suffering, it's because they aren't speaking to their mountain in faith. So often, for me, I don't know if I need to do something to change things, or if I just need to leave everything alone and wait on God. I always wind up trying to change things (praying all the while, of course), but I, like you, just usually wind up running out of options and then, in the end, I just give up and have to repent to God for being angry and frustrated.

Quote:
I always thought that people who accepted everything the way it was were called Pacifists.



Folks, I am the farthest thing from a Pacifist. Will you all please bear with me. Maybe nobody really wants to talk about this or finds it interesting, but I need to understand this.

You know the Serenity Prayer,
[i]"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.[/i]

Well...isn't it true that there are plenty of things that we [i]can[/i] change but it's not God's will that we change it? Let's take marriage, for instance. There are plenty of people who are in marriages that are filled with suffering and those folks could get a divorce and end their suffering in that area, but should they? Isn't that why the divorce rate is so high?

Or let's take someone who is miserable in their job. That person could just quit that job and go get another job, but should they? Isn't it sometimes God's will for us to do the hard thing and learn to be content? The hardest thing to do is to hold yourself in a suffering situation when you have the power to deliver yourself. For me, I begin to get confused on the really difficult days. I say to myself: "[i]Why am I doing this? Why don't I just move on to something else? This is making me a nut.[/i]" And then, when you talk to people about it, they say, "Well, why don't you just get another job?..." I DON'T KNOW WHY! I'm trying to obey God here! But sometimes I forget what it is I'm trying to do! Or even why!

Am I the only person who is crazy like this?! When I'm like this, I go around in circles asking myself, "Am I miserable because this is the will of God and I don't want to do it? Or am I miserable because this isn't the will of God and I need to do something to get out of it?" It seems like there ought to be some way to settle it all. Doesn't it?

I think of Abraham taking Isaac up on the mountain to sacrifice his dear son on an altar! That had to be a suffering beyond words. Did he ever ask himself, "why am I doing this?"? I mean, my own heart would say, "This is against God's commandments. This couldn't be God." Oh! I tell you, this needs to be sorted out! How can God be God if we don't really know his voice? What if he tells us to do something which contradicts everything that we understand about Him?

You know, this is THE BIG DEAL! I'm telling all of you on Sermonindex. This is THE BIG DEAL! I want to know God in a way that I will follow Him all the way to my cross and beyond. I want to be willing to follow Him beyond my own understanding. Isn't that where God really lives?

I so want to just let go of trying to change anything for a while and just leave everything up to God. Would I be a Pacifist if I did that? I mean, I've done everything else. Can I just stop now? Love, Dian.

 2006/10/20 5:55Profile





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