I tried not to look, but the temptation was mounting. Seconds felt like minutes, and minutes felt like hours. I was pressing on so that I could attain my goal of one hour in prayer; then the temptation was too much for me to endure; and I had to look. The clock read 9:17. I had only been praying for seventeen minutes! I thought I was at least in the home stretch (which was forty-five minutes). The reality- I was nowhere close to being finished. I just gritted my teeth, took a deep breath, and proceeded onward. I determined within myself that I would complete the whole hour of prayer regardless of how I felt. The arduous task before me now was how I could persist in prayer when I had nothing left to say. I searched within my minds eye and came up with nothing; then it hit me all at once. I remembered the prayer list from church and now my persistence had purpose. I started from the top and went all the way to the bottom of the page. Surely, my time had elapsed, but just to make sure, I glanced at the clock, hoping that Jesus would not see. I looked, and I had to look again because I must have read it wrong. I glanced even quicker this time, and I had read it correctly. It was only 9:32; which meant, I had twenty-eight minutes remaining. God, why is this so hard for me? I thought. My friend Robert prays at least three hours a day and I cannot even finish one hour. I just need to give up. I would have given up but I remembered I had made a separate prayer list. That was close, I thought. I was no longer derailed and now I could finish the course. I thought that nothing could stop me now but again, I was incorrect. I wrapped up just shy of 9:50. What was I to do next? I had exhausted all my previous resources, but I started to remember vaguely that I could just be silent before God. I reasoned within myself that it would be fine because I had done so much talking and God needed time to respond. Keeping quiet is not my forte. So naturally, I gave up quite quickly and said God would understand. He looks at the intention. That said, I was off to work. Those types of incidents were a regular occurrence in my daily prayer life. The sad part is that my spiritual life was, in some ways, dependent on those exhaustive prayers. Sure, they were sometimes very heart felt, but what were my motivesreligiosity. Those religious prayers unfortunately became my basis for judging other Christians prayer lives. If they were not praying at least one hour a day, they were not right with God and I felt it my duty to tell them so. I was Gods voice and if you did not heed to my warning, we were serving two different Gods. Thanks to my religious fervor, I told my friend just that. Learning is a complicated process for me. I never learn the easy way because my pride, mixed with religiosity, keeps me from admitting I am wrong. I am at least trying to please God is my usually response. You know it is bad when you cannot even admit to yourself that you are wrong, but keep in mind, devotion is not to be mixed with religiosity. Devotion says pray when you do not feel like praying; it says to praise when you do not feel like praising; it says to be silent and still when you feel like moving. True devotion is not centered in religiosity, but to my demise, religiosity can be centered around your devotion. How does one surmount this pervasive curse? It is still a work of process in my life but it pivots around quality verses quantity. These are not always mutually exclusive; you can have both or you can have just one. The one that you or I cannot live without is quality. Alluding back to my previous paragraph, in devotion, there are necessary measures needed at specific times; meaning, you sometimes will pray, praise, or be silent for hours when the time is called for. Quality is the rule to measure your devotion by; not the amount of time you spend.
_________________ Mark
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