I seriously appreciate your honesty little sister, I really really do. It's not often you find such reality especially in this generation and time we live in. I will tell you a bit about myself since you have been kind enough to share with all of us. My name is Matthew I am 23 years old and your story and mine are fairly similar. Growing up my mom and dad never gave any outward pressure of being perfect but it always felt implied in the world around me and so I was the "good one" of my family the Golden child so to speak. It was probably my sophmore and junior year I really began to battle my reality, I was far from perfect and people could find out. I was a closed book and as the weight of the world came on my shoulders my back began to break from the weight of it all and I thought of many ways of escape as you have mentioned. A few times even made shallow attempts so if I chickened out people would never know. Something I will tell you now and I believe its something you have found already is God the eternal, ETERNALLY Loves you very much. The Word of God says the Lord has numbered every hair on your head! That's an intimate God that knows and cares deeply about you.Satan is a fear driven individual and what I found was anytime I would think about seeking help by going to my parents he would say but what would they think? They will be angry or disappointed! Satan is also a very good liar any time you get those thoughts shut them up and ignore them they are LIES! He wants you afraid not just of your parents but of everyone who would potentially help you. I found out later after finally opening up to my parents about my suicidal thoughts and hidden self did I find they weren't mad or disappointed but they lovingly embraced me. Have you ever told your dad in a simple heart to heart that when he yells at you it terrifies you? And have you ever told your mom that you feel like a face in the sea of kids she looks after? Or that since your mother is in a seat of position at the school you feel like perfection is the only option? I am serious about these questions because I found the greatest weapon satan used against me was my own silence that it was okay to share my thoughts and feelings with my parents. I am so happy you found an outlet in writing its honestly what kept me going as well. I lost my voice growing up as a kid simply because I didn't think anyone valued my opinion or thoughts or that my opinion and feelings would upset everyone so I just didn't share. It's dangerous doing this because the opinions and feelings of everyone around whether good or bad become yours and you lose yourself.God desires for you to be you. He made you unique! Personal customized to His liking. No one can Love God like you can as yourself. I am also glad you have friends that encourage and lift you up BUT it's important that you let your parents in your circle of trust. If they have hurt you in the past Forgive them, parents are human too and so are prone to mistakes. One last thing, if you can't be real with your parents be real with God, and eventually and slowly open up to your parents and be real with them. It will take time but its worth it and the best route to take. I really do hope this helps you.God Bless,Matthew
_________________Matthew Guldner
Thank you. I went home and up to my room and turned on the radio (I only listen to christian stations) and JJ Heller`s song "What love really means" came on. It made me cry. Here are the lyrics (but I would search it up on youtube because it`s better with music):He cries in the corner where nobody seesHes the kid with the story no one would believeHe prays every night Dear God wont you please...Could you send someone here who will love me?Who will love me for me?Not for what I have done or what I will becomeWho will love me for me?Cause nobody has shown me what loveWhat love really means, what love really meansHer office is shrinking a little each dayShes the woman whose husband has run awayShell go to the gym after working todayMaybe if she was thinner then he wouldve stayedAnd she says Who'll love me for me?Not for what I have done or what I will becomeWho will love me for me?Cause nobody has shown me what loveWhat love really means what love really meansHes waiting to die as he sits all aloneHes a man in a cell who regrets what hes doneHe utters a cry from the depths of his soulOh Lord, forgive me. I wanna go homeThen he heard a voice somewhere deep insideAnd it said I know youve murderedAnd I know youve liedAnd I've watched you suffer all of your lifeAnd now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I...I will love you for youNot for what you have done or what you will becomeI will love you for youI will give you the love, the love that you never knewLove you for youNot for what you have done or what you will becomeI will love you for youI will give you the love, the love that you never knewI`m posting these for everyone who is hurting or who has hurt like I have. You are a blessing to someone in your life. God doesn`t make mistakes. When you call yourself unwanted, stupid, or ugly, you`re telling Him,"See what you did to me?! This is all your fault. I`m a mistake!". GOD DOESN`T MAKE MISTAKES!!!!