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rainydaygirl
Member



Joined: 2008/10/27
Posts: 742


 after marriage

Do men change after marriage when it comes to having children? specifically if a man is "to busy" for spending time with children will he change and be more involved when they are his own children? If there is a lack of interest/involvement with their own relatives, nieces, nephews should this give one to pause and question what kind of husband/dad this man would be? Or does having their own child make them want to take part and help out, to be involved more? I guess what I want to know is will someone who is completely uninvolved with helping and caring for children be more willing and involved when the children are his own?

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences with this area?

rdg

 2010/12/19 19:11Profile
SolaVeritas
Member



Joined: 2010/6/29
Posts: 156
SK Canada

 Re: after marriage

From my experience the answer is yes. Having said that, I believe that some men do not naturally know how to be a good father and communication between the wife and husband will be important. By communication I do not mean nagging and complaining which generally has the opposite effect on men. I would look closely at how this man behaves in other areas. Humility, the ability to listen and respond, gentleness and compassion will go a long way in making him a good father. Hope this helps.

 2010/12/19 19:23Profile
Lysa
Member



Joined: 2008/10/25
Posts: 3403
This world is not my home anymore.

 Re: after marriage


Amen Sola!

Rdg, in my humble opinion (and I would share this with my best friend as well), that the best thing you can do is continually thank the Lord for all the great things about him!!

Things like what drew you to him in the first place, what drew you to marry him, things he does do to ensure that you have a safe and happy home and life; and also pray for him to be the man of God that GOD WANTS HIM TO BE...

And then here's the hard part (especially when you don't see any light at the end of the tunnel), you choose to walk it out in quiet faith and assurance/trust that the ONE you pray to will give you the desires of your heart and that this will entail your man being a wonderful and active father!

God bless you in this journey!!

Lysa


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Lisa

 2010/12/20 0:27Profile
rainydaygirl
Member



Joined: 2008/10/27
Posts: 742


 Re:

Thank you for the responses. I am sorry I should have made my post more clear. I was not asking this for myself. Rather I know someone who is now wondering what she should do concerning her future with the man she is engaged with. He is a very nice person but he is not helpful, he comes across as if children are the woman sole responsibility. He doesn't mind having children but she said that she believes now that he will be of little help if they do get married and have children some day. He is very involved with his work and hobbies. I think she is right to be cautious because you can't go into a marriage thinking that you can change someone. I do think that it is reasonable though that once he has his own child that he might become more involved then he is helping out with nieces and nephews? I believe she has tried to talk with him about this. She said he always says that he will help but then gets distracted and she ends up doing all the caring for the little ones.

Just wondered what others thought on this. Oh and yes they are both Christians.

rdg

 2010/12/20 7:48Profile
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7472
Mississippi

 Re: after marriage

Quote:
will someone who is completely uninvolved with helping and caring for children be more willing and involved when the children are his own



I cannot speak for males but can for a few females that I know and the way some females would answer is a resounding "YES!"

I am one of those.

How do I explain my lack of interest in babies? I was the oldest of four and responsible for them many times. And I got tired of it. They got into my stuff, ruined some of it... You, YOU take care of your own and please leave me alone!

But when I had a child - it was the cutest child around...or so I thought! And I ended up with five of 'em!

My husband was kind to children but not a great lover of babies or children, but being the good man he was, he helped and did a good job.

Considering what I wrote the question comes "why on earth did you then want children?" Because I knew how much fun we cousins had and they all began as infants. You also cannot discount the maternal instinct and the desire to reproduce.
Yes, imperfect people with natural instincts, with unrealistic ideals - a common combination that is sure to infuse this couple with a healthy dose of reality...

ginnyrose


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Sandra Miller

 2010/12/20 9:27Profile
rainydaygirl
Member



Joined: 2008/10/27
Posts: 742


 Re:

Ginnyrose

you mentioned that your husband was not a great lover of babies or children but he helped and did a good job. My friend is concerned because she said that on several occasions when they are helping with his nieces and nephews he always says that he will help and then he always disappears and never fallows through. She said the last time they took care of the children(there are three of them) he left her to doing all the work, cooking dinner, cleaning up and watching the little ones. She said that they did end up fighting after the little ones went home because she feels she is seeing a pattern and he doesn't understand what the big deal is. He told her that his mom always managed to do things without his dad having to be there. We talked and she has asked for prayer about this.I feel bad for her cause I think she maybe doubting about their upcoming wedding and I hesitate to give her advice on this. I know they have gone through pre marriage sessions, she said that while they both want children it seems their views on who does what are really miles apart. I told her I thought that when he holds his own little baby in his arms he might have a different attitude but then I don't want to tell her to get married and have this be something that brings her pain later because he still behaves the same???

I guess I just wondered if any other husbands/dads went through similar emotions and experiences.

So thanks for sharing though. My friend does come from a big family, she has six siblings and loves children so this is a big deal to her.

rdg

 2010/12/20 10:44Profile
Joyful_Heart
Member



Joined: 2009/12/8
Posts: 1795


 Re:

Dear One,

People don't usually change after marriage for the better unless they are grounded in the Lord. But one must have peace that this is the person God wants me to marry for His glory, to serve Him together as one. If this is so and they have children he may be so overjoyed with his child he becomes a wonderful godly father. But as I said, it is important that the two are NOW praying and reading the Scriptures together and communicating of each others expectations. I pray God's will be done here and He be glorified.

 2010/12/20 11:28Profile
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7472
Mississippi

 Re:

rdg,

I can well imagine how this would be a big deal to your friend. I suggest she postpone the wedding until she gets this issue settled in her heart. This may be a red flag God is placing in her path to reconsider her upcoming marriage to this fellow.

I read your post to my husband and he suggests that if she goes ahead and marries this fellow she should plan on taking care of the children by herself. If she does not want to do this, cancel the wedding. Too many times God places these red flags but emotion causes people to ignore them, discount the seriousness of them. I applaud your friend for being concerned at this stage in their relationship.

My DH agreed that most single males are not baby lovers but do change after they have one. But this fellow was given the opportunity to be helpful but walked off...this is uncalled for, IMHO. Sounds a tad bit selfish and unloving, don't you think? How is he going to respond to his wife when she needs help in a different situation? Oh. My. The longer I think about it the more I tend to think that she should tell him 'good-bye'.

My opinion.
ginnyrose


_________________
Sandra Miller

 2010/12/20 21:07Profile
Lorijean
Member



Joined: 2008/6/4
Posts: 46
Austin, Texas

 Re:

Hi, Rdg,

Before I married my husband, I noticed that he always recognized children and enjoyed interacting with them. He liked it when I would baby-sit other people’s children and was patient with the temporary interruption of our time together. This encouraged me to believe he would be a good father, and I was right -- he is a wonderful father. However, he never helped much with the care of any children, as far as the “motherly” duties are concerned. Even with our own three children (now grown), he changed maybe two diapers total! I absolutely loved being the mother to small children so I never saw this as a problem. First of all, a woman should never try to change a man. Secondly, we’re older and much more traditional. My husband works and I stay home and home school the children. I never expected my husband to help me with any of my chores, even when it involved the children. After all, I didn’t help him by going out and do his plumbing calls for him (although I take the service calls, schedule appointments, do his books and taxes, etc.).

I believe that if a woman puts too much pressure on a man to be a certain kind of man or father, he can end up resenting her and/or the children and it can cause much more harm than good. My husband never felt pressure to “spend more time with the children, help with their schooling, etc”, so all of his interaction with them was positive, never motivated by pressure by me. This facilitated a freedom for him to always enjoy the children. He’s very affectionate with them, and he loves them very much.

Younger couples today do things much more differently. Many women expect the man to work full time to provide, then come home and share 50% of the mothering duties and housework. I suppose things would be different if both the husband and wife work full-time because if she is having to help him provide the income, but God gave the women the command to be the keeper of the home. Children don’t necessarily need a father that is willing to change their diaper; they need a father the loves them, loves the LORD, and sees it as his number one priority to raise them in the fear of the LORD. I agree with Ginnyrose’s husband that if this young lady marries the man, to accept him as he is and to expect him not to help much with the children. The red flag to me in this situation, though, is not the potential husband, it’s the young lady’s concern in how well he’s going to be able to serve her. Actually, we were made to be the help-meet, not the other way around. Sounds to me like when he disappeared, he was acting the way almost all men do when pressured to be a help-meet to the woman.

If this young man is godly, if he truly loves the LORD with all his heart and wants to serve Him, if he is soundly saved, and humble, she could be making a tremendous mistake should she decide to move on without him. Only the LORD knows how He is going to work in someone’s life, and these two are probably pretty young and probably both have many areas of improvement. If I had been scrutinized before my husband married me, no godly person in their right mind would have told my husband he was making a good choice! Thank you, Dear LORD, for the work you've done and are continuing to do in me! I’ve prayed for your friend, Rainydaygirl. May the LORD give her His perfect wisdom in determining every choice in her life, especially in marriage!


_________________
Lori Jean Mooney

 2010/12/21 7:19Profile
mguldner
Member



Joined: 2009/12/4
Posts: 1860
Kansas

 Re: after marriage

Honestly for this question I believe it depends on his up brining. I grew up with a dad who worked hard at his job came home and cooked a meal for the family or helped clean the house. This wasn't always like that though my mom was always expected to do all the house work and cook a meal before my dad got home eventually though my dad's heart was changed on this. He teaches equal responsibility now. I love doing dishes and cleaning and though its gross at times I change just as many diapers as my lovely wife does.

Now I have a friend that saw a different mother/father model the more traditional stay at home mom while dad goes to work type thing. Very strict organization and such. From what I saw/see in his relationship with his wife is he expects all the same things his mom did while she carries a job as well. To me that is just silly to expect the wife to do twice as much work, the female is to be treated as the weaker half but that doesn't mean females are inferior and are to be ruled over with power. For me its teamwork all the way, I love my kiddos and can't think of anything more fun than wrestling around with them.

So to get to the main question did I change? Yeah I absolutley did I became a responsible adult that had other living persons to take care of. What I did see though is an increase in strictness on my part I think pressure of supporting a family adds stress to both partners but my wife has helped wonderfully through communications to releive that also a strong faith in Christ Jesus.

I would suggest your friend look at the man's parents and upbringing and after doing this talking with him about what he feels the roles of a wife and husband in the home looks like to him.


_________________
Matthew Guldner

 2010/12/21 7:42Profile





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