wow, good question. I almost cried when I couldn't answer that.I guess what I was getting at is that the faith that I read about in the bible sounded like so much more than the faith that people have encouraged me to have. Scratch that- It sounded like something completely different - like from another world. But the only "faith" I've felt able to have in God accepting me has been so pathetic in contrast. It's seemed more like just postive thinking and mind games rather than spirit and knowledge and power and and a new creation. Could I have had the holy spirit without knowing? Should someone get baptised if they think their faith is unstable? I don't even know what's wrong with me. Am I making up excuses or am I confused by the false teachings that were foretold? How can I stop being double minded? How do i "believe"? Does it mean just fighting doubts? Is that what everyone does? because that seems so fake and powerless. Don't I need the power of God and not some contrived epiphany? How can I even genuinely seek God when my heart is so wretched?It's like anything I do, including "believing" is just fake. I can do this or think that but how do I know that thinking believing thoughts is real faith?Thanks Andy. It's nice to be able to share this stuff with people. Nobody I know ever wonders these things or seems like they ever wondered about them.I don't want to claim that I believe and know that God accepts me only to wake up ten years from now and realize that I didn't understand true faith and was just playing mind games the whole time. "Lord, Lord, I cast out demons and I kept fighting my doubts!"